I’ve been going on some dates recently, and I keep running into the same pattern:

  • Sometimes they’ll say I’m funny and a good person, but they don’t feel any chemistry.

  • Other times, there’s chemistry… but I’m not as attracted to them.

  • And occasionally, attraction fades after sex for one or both of us.

It has me wondering… what exactly am I looking for?

I mainly have stuck to online dating apps as there aren't really any places where single women flourish lol. This makes it hard as lots of people are just browsing, bored, or inconsistent, which makes it tough to tell who's genuinely interested.

Is it about chemistry, attraction, shared values, long-term compatibility, or some mix of all of the above? How do you know when you’ve found the right balance between those things?

Would love to hear how others navigate this.


5 comments

  3. I think most people go through exactly what you are describing. It’s not always clear what you actually want until you had enough experiences to see patterns in what works for you and what doesn’t. Chemistry, attraction, and values all matter, but the balance looks different for everyone. Sometimes it’s less about having a checklist and more about noticing how you feel with them long term, do you feel calm, respected, and like yourself? That’s usually a better sign than just sparks alone.

  4. As a man I keep having similar situations, however I just keep going to the next and see if there is a double sided deeper connection.

    I also date online by the way as the women I meet regularly would leave with 1 or 2 dates per month only.

    there are so many different people and all are different, I find that getting to know someone truly for their unique qualities always builds a good base of chemistry.

    obviously if you good on a date attraction, shared values and chemistry are all somewhat present, these are the easier parts to find in a person. As I also believe these are things you have with good friends, now you have a base to build on.

    long-term compatibility is the hardest, because if you have that on top of the base, you have found your life-long partner. These first show in how much energy it costs to be around each other, and how excited both people are to spend time or do fun things together, obviously everyone has their own loving style these should also match.

    but most will become clear over time, after half a year is the mystery, excitement and spark still there or even bigger then the beginning? then you are pretty much perfect for each other!

  5. You should make a list for all the ‘must haves’ & ‘good to haves’ for your partner.

    Then go through the list and check if you yourself have all the must haves and good to haves.

    If yes, then keep the list and you have it.

    If no, then either work on yourself till you have all the must haves and good to haves or chuck it from the list for your potential mate.

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