My husband (42m) and myself (41f) have been together 11 years. Apologies for the long rambling post.
We've just recently welcomed twins, unexpected and unplanned. We were never having children and got two surprises (that's another post entirely). Before this we toyed with the idea of opening our relationship up a bit (his idea) I've had a fun past while he's only had two women in his life and feels left out. I entertained the idea though wasn't thinking it would be a long term thing. He sent me on a date with a man a couple years ago while he started flirting and moving forward with a coworker. She fell in love with him and wanted him to leave me. We fought long and hard about her and eventually it ended up with him blocking her on everything and getting a new job as she wouldn't stop. The man I went on a date with was indulged with a BJ once but never went further and I easily walked away from pursuing anything.
Well this year my husband has made a long distance "best friend" she's a time zone away and they're relationship is entirely online, so maybe I shouldn't be as upset as I am, but curiosity got the best of me and I went through his phone. I found that they tell each other I love you, they're soulmates, I'm nothing more than a roommate and he wishes he could marry her one day. I confronted him about it. He says it's all a lie, a fantasy world he's made up to pass time. But the regularity and amount of what they say has destroyed me. How can something said so easily and often be a lie? I believe if you're saying it that easily there is truth in there somewhere. They talk 24/7 unless I'm in the room. If they're not talking they're playing video games for hours, hours long phone calls, video msges, sultry sounding voice notes declaring undying love. He rarely texts in front of me but is jumping to his phone as soon as my back is turned. When he thinks ive been ok with the idea of her for a couple days he'll start texting in front of me until I lose my cool and we fight. He tries to talk about her to "help make me ok with his friendship" he's mentioned her a couple times during sex and has jumped to check msges as soon as we're through being together while we're still catching our breath. If they're not talking he's itching to get back to her. He makes up lies to her as to why he's been away from his phone so long as to never make it like he's actually happy in our marriage. He's changed his phone password because "now I know what they're saying I don't need to keep going to find it just to start fights."
I believe he's in love with her. He says he thinks he might have a more polynomial mind set where he can love us both.
His "stories" have destroyed my confidence, self worth, and trust in him and our relationship. Everything that used to make our relationship ours he does with her and I no longer feel special. The only thing I have that she doesn't is physical and if I'd let him go he'd love to be able to do that too. I love him with all my heart but now I feel second place to a phone screen and a woman in a different time zone. Our relationship is dying. We no longer have anything to talk about and I'm convinced we're both just sitting thinking about her all day. I feel empty and sad all the time while he lives in a fantasy world and I take care of our children. Every time we fight it ends unresolved. He refuses to give her up as "they're best friends" and " he'll have no one" if I force his hand. He apologizes every day for how he's made me feel but sorry falls flat after months without him changing anything he's saying to her.
I think at the end of it all I could have been ok with it had we done this together. It is only online after all. But I feel he went behind my back and made a whole new life. He doesn't talk about his family and their online gamer friends believe they are actually a happy in love couple. No one knows he's in a committed marriage with two newborns. She's his one and only and I feel betrayed and cheated.
Am I over exaggerating? How do I begin to fix our relationship before it's completly over? How do I change my own mindset back to feeling loved and not his second choice?