So to make a long backstory short. My husband isn’t the father of my daughter. My daughter’s father isn’t in her life and never wanted to be. My husband and I have been married for almost a year now. Before getting married he kept begging me to be my daughter’s father since he’s been there since the beginning. I was hesitant at first and told him that he was an amazing step father and didn’t need to adopt her or anything. He kept begging and begging and so finally I said okay. We got all the paperwork done and finally it was set in stone. He was legally her father.
Things started going downhill in our marriage about 3 months into it. I was extremely depressed and had a lot going on especially with my own family. After he became a legal father to my daughter he started neglecting her. He’d come home and go straight to playing his games and never helped me with her or anything around the house. I was always so exhausted and there were multiple days that I would end up crying myself to sleep when daughter was finally asleep for the night.
I tried talking to him about the issues going on and he told me he would change. It was always words and nothing ever changed. He started getting pissy and aggressive since I wasn’t sleeping with him. I kept telling him I didn’t have time and that I was exhausted. I was never interested in it. Finally he told me that if I didn’t start putting out then he would find someone else to do so. I was hurt and so I started sleeping with him unfortunately.
I was finally going back to work after having to be on medical leave. I told him when I would be going back to work and he complained about it since that would mean that he either had to step up or there would be an additional cost of daycare.
A week before my return to work date I found out I was pregnant. Staring at the positive test I cried. I didn’t want another baby. I did everything to try to prevent it! I was on birth control and we used condoms! How is it possible?? I told my husband and he was so happy saying how it was amazing that he was finally going to have a baby that was biologically his. I told him I didn’t want to keep it and that I could go through another complicated pregnancy. (Sure enough I’m now high risk and on bed rest). He told me that it would be okay and ultimately told me that if I didn’t keep it he would divorce me and try to turn me in since our state has a complete abortion ban.
A couple of months pass and things haven’t gotten any better. I’m just going through the day to day motions of life. One day I’m scrolling through my Facebook and notice I had a new message request. I look at it and lo and behold it’s a message from one of my husbands coworkers saying “Hey girl I thought you should know…” you already know how that went. He’s been having an affair with this coworker and come to find out she was pregnant with apparently his child. I confronted him and he didn’t even lie about it. Told me that I wasn’t doing my wifely duties since I neglected his needs. After that day I completely shut down.
Here we are now 8 months into the pregnancy and I resent my husband. I resent this baby because I never got to connect with it since I’ve been so depressed. I cry everyday because my daughter is so young and all I wanted was for her to be happy and have a happy family. How could this man go from being my bestfriend and the person I loved to now someone I hate and can’t stand being around. He went from being an amazing father to now avoids and ignores my daughter.
I have no one and nothing. I live 3 hours away from any “family” and even then I ended up going no contact with them because it was better for the family if I did so. I also was never able to go back to work since they fired me after they got wind that I was pregnant again.
I’m just so hurt and lost.
Context/Edit
I still want the baby. I resent my husband and the situation I’m in because of bad choices. At the end of the day I still want my baby and wouldn’t give them up. I love both children and do not want to give them up.
My husband does not do anything with our daughter to begin with. He comes home and maybe says hi to her and that’s it. He’s never alone with her. If I go out then my daughter comes with me. I have never left her alone and to be honest I don’t even go out unless I have a doctor’s appointment or to grocery shop. I do not have any friends out in the area we live in since I never went out to meet anyone. My family and I went No contact due to them being abusive and when I gave birth to my daughter my mother actually tired leaving the hospital with her and my father tried helping. Unfortunately they could not be trusted.
I have seen a psychiatrist and a therapist for the depression. Unfortunately my psychiatrist is not wanting to put me on any medication since I had a bad reaction to all the others as have tried.
As far as the old coworker goes. I never became her friend we had just kept in contact since she was giving me proof and the affair and would tell me things going on. We don’t speak anymore.
33 comments
Sounds like a tough situation for you, gets your ducks in order and prepare a way to leave.
If you don’t want to raise your baby, you could look to placing them for birth adoption. But you will be able to bond with them even if you feel some resentment now – I know the feeling after struggling through pregnancy and a traumatic birth, it wasn’t easy but the bond does form.
Get support for the depression and connect into prenatal/postnatal support networks as much as you can. You’re not alone and you don’t need to be alone, regardless of your husband. Your baby will need you to keep them safe whatever you decide re marriage.
Be brave, be kind to yourself and know that it will get better. Your daughter deserves a happy mom – it doesn’t matter if you’re single or married.
Fuck, this is so devastating. Omg this man. I am upset. I know you’re probably not feeling okay right now. But are you okay? Do you wanna talk about it? I’m so sorry.
You need to file for divorce and child support first before the other woman otherwise you were going to get less money.
Then you can decide what you wanna do with your life, but lockdown that child support
Have you sought treatment for your depression and lack of libido? That’s the best place to begin.
I think the first course of action is to file for divorce. Your husband seems to be a manipulative individual and detrimental to your health, mental or otherwise. Second, find good mental health support. I would also seek legal counseling to discuss terminating the father’s rights and being able to put this baby up for adoption. I know you don’t want this baby and making you have it after you had made that decision early on is not fair, but it can have a good life with a family who does want it. I would start documenting everything against your husband so that you have proof he his not equipped to be a decent spouse and caregiver to your children. Keep every text message and tangible proof. I would keep a log with timestamps of every time he makes an unnecessary comment to you.
So give him the baby and get rid of him. Let him deal with the consequences of his own actions
You need to leave him. He’s controlling & manipulating ! I would be shocked if he didn’t sabotage your BC. So sorry. I really wish you hadn’t let him adopt your 1st child.
What a piece of shit guy. Hope he gets what’s coming for him big time
You lost me at ‘I started sleeping with him again, unfortunately’. This piece of shit coerced you into sex against your will and now you’re having his baby. AND he’s an emotionally abusive asshole… have you thought about adoption?
Divorce. Divorce him.
Leave this man. Start making a plan and if all else fails… once the baby is born go to the store to get some milk, let him deal with the consequences of his actions
Holy shit this is every woman’s worst nightmare. I’m a single mother, but I’m currently moving in with my partner of two years. He has mentioned adopting her after we get married, and I’ll definitely still consider it… but this story is going to slow me down for sure. What an awful thing to have happen. As single mothers, it’s our biggest dream to meet someone who will love and accept our babies as their own. To find that and then have it ripped away so quickly and cruelly is just so unfair.
I saw in another comment that the other woman lost her baby, quit her job, and is no longer involved… but I still hope you will leave this man. Even before I saw that he cheated on you, I would’ve told you that based on his dramatic shift in behavior and his threat to divorce and report you if you got an abortion.
He’s not the man you married. Get a lawyer. Divorce him. Get child support. Get therapy. Your new child deserves your love despite the circumstances. Take care of yourself and your babies. Don’t try dating again for a very long time, and if you do, take it very slow.
Good luck.
Jesus your husband is horrible this isn’t a resent thing this is a gtfo my life thing. I know easier said than done, because you may be isolated and have no avenue to support yourself the way you see it. There are people that can give you better advice than me, but there is 0 reason you should be trying to reconcile with this man.
Let him keep the baby if he wants it and you don’t. Other than that file for child support. This is messy and I don’t have any good wisdom, but I do wish you the best.
He’s not just a loser dickwad, he’s an abuser. I’m actually shocked that more comments are mentioning it. I’d recommend you reach out to DV organisations, see if there’s anything they can suggest in terms of moves or resources.
What did you mean about going NC with your family? Are they abusive too? Could you go back to them? Or contact them at least? Abusers deliberately isolate their victims by ruining relationships, is that what happened? Technically you’re not allowed to take the current child out of state without The Wanker’s permission but it honestly sounds like he might not care. You deserve child support but if you don’t file for it, maybe he’d just let you go without fighting it legally.
I think you are better off not considering this a marriage, emotionally. His cheating and abuse of other women is clearly not going to stop; guard your heart and don’t expect fidelity or love from him so you’re not hurt or disappointed. If it becomes relevant again, don’t sleep with him. Don’t let him guilt you into anything, only aim to keep yourself safe for as long as it takes to get away from.
I’m so, so sorry. Your depression is no doubt primarily caused by his treatment of you. Once you leave his arse and get both alimony and child support (times two, since he insisted on adopting your daughter), I’m certain you’ll improve mentally, and even grow to love your baby. You can get the office-fling lady to testify on your behalf for an expedited divorce.
He’s disgusting, manipulative, and cruel. He essentially 🍇’d you (coercion is SA) and emotionally abused you. I’d wager that he also sabotaged your B.C. to baby trap you.
You deserve so, so much better!!! Hugs!! 🥰
There was never love there. My friend went through that with her ex husband. Apart from the one woman you know, this man is sleeping with other women but the others have their birth control in place. He is probably begging them to have his kids. He locked you in by locking your child. He did it to torture you as he wished. He never loved you. It was never an act of love.
See a lawyer. Document everything he does. Make his life hell in court. Get out. Be savage. Be fearless. You will survive.
I wonder if he wanted legal rights to your daughter for nefarious reasons. Its just odd to me that he fought so hard to be her “dad” to then turn around be a pos to push you away. Maybe to intentionally cause a divorce so he could have unsupervised access to her? Idk it just seems very sus to me.
You’re valid in feeling this way I’m really sorry and I’ll pray for u. Whatever you do is your choice I hope you
Resenting your child is foul but resenting your husband is warranted. Imagine your mother resent having you before you were born and then you find that out.
He threated to divorce you and turn you in.
Leave this monster.
Also, ladies. If you don’t want to be pregnant, just get it taken care of. Your body, your choice. Don’t try to negotiate. Just get it done. This is coming from a guy by the way, a parent.
I understands laws over there are messed up, but whatever way you can make it happen safely…
I hope you find the time to open the Bible I promise things will get better if you give yourself to the most high and ask that he shows you the light it’s never easy
I hope you find the time to open the Bible I promise things will get better if you give yourself to the most high and ask that he shows you the light it’s never easy
1. You need to sue your employer. They can’t fire you for being pregnant.
2. You need to divorce this man.
3. I don’t know how the laws of your state work, but you should look into giving this baby up for adoption.
Ok I could be out of line but he reads like a paedo
A LOT of red flags from your short summary
The least personality disorder
Psycopatgs need the attention the love and adoration but cannot give it back. They can learn but his case he won’t
I’m not saying he is but there is an agenda
Ok re advice here from others re divorce
You should have from get go when he started this abuse but ppl in dom violence stay due to no money nowhere to go
So if you’ve nowhere to go so you need to try domestic violence emergency accommodation
There are shelters and safe houses
He’s not hit you but he’s aggressive
He’s not raped you but it’s contentious
He won’t take no for an answer
He forces you to have sex and you can’t stop him
NO is no
Making you do it and giving in is still against your wishes
Leave when he’s at work
Tell dom violence unit or a social worker that it was weird how he wanted the child in his name and then since he did
…no attention on them and you worry about the safety of your child
THAT will get you a lot of help
But first meet with them
Take your work to tribunal bc that’s unfair dismissal
If you’re in the UK, go to Citizens advise bureau CAB/CAS
…they will act for you
But in the meantime, be safe if you can go to your family go to your family
…if you can’t then go to the domestic violence unit or contact social worker
You cannot stay
…there is no love there he’s a narcissist and abusive with it
Please be safe
I used to work for CAB but in Reddit you can’t contact anyone even to get support
So go to them direct
Go to your doctor to get anxiolitics ᵃⁿᵈ/ₒᵣ anti depressants
AND counselling
I never read a post that I felt so strongly this this guy is such an incredible low life and a scumbag. This situation definitely warrents a divorce. Apply for state aid and child support. Im sure you can find a 1 bedroom somewhere safe to live. So sorry for your situation.
Yes, file for divorce and lock down child and possibly spousal support. He legally adopted your daughter. He will have to support both children. Good luck.
Side note. Find out if you are in a no-fault state. It’s not likely since you’re in an abortion ban state and infidelity can definitely factor in to what you can get out of him in divorce.
This innocent baby does not deserve to be left with him. If you have access to any money of any kind, whether it’s his or you need to call your estranged family, put it somewhere safe and give it to the lawyer. Get out of there, whatever you do. Go to a shelter, go anywhere other than around him
Divorce and immediately go for child support. You can get two payments. Seeing as though he’s legally your first daughter’s father.
Sounds like he’s a control freak and you better get away from him quick there’s more surprises to come
Ummm, am I the only one worried about the behavior of wanting/begging to adopt the daughter, then neglecting her as soon as she’s his? Makes me wonder what the real purpose was for adopting. OP, you might consider taking your daughter to a social worker or counselor or even a pediatrician who is familiar with questioning young children to determine if any abuse has taken place.
u/burbnbougie