TL;DR: can’t get over being obsessed with ex gf after almost 2 years.
As the title says.
I’m 30M (in a few days). Dumped a year and a half ago after 5 years of relationship by my ex girlfriend 33F, the one I thought I would marry and start a family with.
There were several warning signs that the relationship was going downhill in the last few months, starting with the fact that she would dedicate barely one day a week to see me, she couldn’t stand my affection anymore, she preferred being with anyone but me, sex disappeared, and the more I tried to find ‘closure,’ the more it caused fights.
Maybe a part of me was ready to lose her, but when it actually happened, in January two years ago, my whole world collapsed.
I fell into a deep depression for which I’ve been in psychotherapy (with poor, if not nonexistent, results), but above all I developed a constant obsession I can’t shake off.
After almost two years since the breakup, I still can’t stop thinking about her. I dream of her at night, and whenever I see the circle of her Instagram stories turn red, it feels like a stab to both my stomach and throat at the same time.
Objectively, I know that someone who leaves you is not the right person, but the neurochemistry of my brain screams at me that she was the only right woman for me, and that having lost her means my life is over. No matter how much I try to distract myself or focus on other things, I just can’t get over it.
I have intrusive thoughts several times a day, even at work, especially about the person she’s with now. I imagine them in intimate situations, and it makes me feel so sick I almost want to vomit.
I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t even read a book or enjoy a movie because I’m constantly thinking of her. It’s like the smallest action on her part triggers a hurricane of emotions and discomfort in me.
I know for sure that I’ve idealized her, and in therapy I’ve understood the reasons why, but if therapy, sports, and trying to meet new people don’t help me get through this, then how can I hope for this nightmare to ever end?
It’s truly miserable to live like this, something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It’s like being dead while still alive.
I should add that I’ve tried going out with two girls in these past two years, but I ended things in both cases because I wasn’t feeling involved — I was thinking of my ex even while kissing them.
I just want to know I’m not the only one who feels or has felt this way, because I’ve tried everything, and at this age I see no solution other than disappearing from this life in the most silent and definitive way possible.
Any similar experience or advice would be really, really appreciated.