I've always lived with being the reserved guy and this started back when i was very very little when for example I wouldn't talk to anyone and looked away when people came up to me.
Throughout the years I very slowly become more aware about myself and my behavior but I never got to any conclusion, before I thought finding those moments I start panicking and worrying about myself I would just not do it anymore.
At 15 years old everyone keeps on telling me that I should have fun, but it feels like I'm battling myself all the time. Once I give in to that little voice in my head telling me I'm weird, I'm awkward and that I shouldn't be there I go back to when I was in middle school, I just stand, I don't say anything and when people talk to me I get stuck and my mind starts rushing and I end up either not saying anything or something that is actually weird and makes me come across as the person I really don't enjoy being.
Of course this is how I am, I've already done this hundreds of times, I do something weird, I start thinking I'll never be "normal" as if I was sick, then at some point I'll get back from the burnout and try again.
At this point though I feel more stuck than ever, I'm on vacation right now and I see everyone having fun but myself. Luckily this is the first time I go somewhere wherte I already know some people from last year, but I'm kinda stuck:
You see the friend group I would hang out with last year has always made me feel awkward, but I don't feel like it's totally my fault this time.
Some of them are younger and in some cases definitely less mature than me, and this throws me off all the time.
When I first came here away from home I was so excited that I could finally express myself after this great year where I managed to have a lot of fun with my friends, to feel more free than often, but I was greeted by a situation that got me thinking and panicking no matter where I am or what I'm doing.
The people here is fine, I'm not going to judge them, It's like using my biggest fear against others and it also makes ME come across as immature, but anyway I don't think I'm enjoying my time here so much.
I see there's a lot of people and I could try to hangout with someone else but it feels impossible, like I belong to the little kids and playing football all day like I would in 7th grade.
Talking to anyone else outside my current friend group feels like I have to prove them I'm valid rather than just enjoying the conversation.
This was actually something I was worrying about before coming here and eventually it happened, I don't know what to do, even something as simple as getting to know new people feels so hard and I'm stuck hanging out with people I don't enjoy being around.