I don’t really know how to articulate this clearer than what I wrote in the title.

I’ve been this way a long time. Truthfully I think it stemmed from my first relationship being toxic and bad.

My ex and I started as hookups and she was so against labelling us as in a relationship but we weren’t allowed to see anyone else but also we acted like we were together. It was just a confusing mess.

Since then I’ve been so lonely and want to be with someone but haven’t been able to commit to it. As soon as things get to the slightly more serious level I wanna bail.

I also think maybe in part it’s bc growing up anything having to do with liking girls was teased by my family. Like not in a particularly awful way but they teased a little and I have always been someone that takes things to heart really easily and even if I know not to I just still do.

I don’t know how to break this cycle. I’m so lonely. I want to like someone and be with them. A lot of the time I do and then it approaches something more serious and I get so anxious at the thought of a relationship. I’m terrified to be responsible for someone else. I’m terrified to not be able to do whatever I want only considering me. I’m terrified of a relationship being perceived by my family.

I feel like I’m projecting in those cases. Like just saying what I know I should say. I’m scared of getting into a relationship and then the fun of the new disappearing and losing interest.

I’m so scared of it. I don’t want to be. I want to just find someone and like them and like being with them enough that this doesn’t matter. I can’t logic my way out of these fears. As much as I tell myself it doesn’t need to be that hard or serious, I can’t get these issues out of my mind.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve talked to my therapist about it but haven’t gotten solutions from those conversations.

Any advice appreciated.


13 comments

  6. Commitment is what makes us men, the ability to take on responsibilities. But don’t date someone just because you feel lonely, you need to be with someone because you truly want to love. At first, love can feel easy, but in the long term (like in marriage), there will be days when you no longer feel those butterflies you once did. In those moments, love becomes a decision, not just a feeling. If you’re not ready for that, I wouldn’t recommend dating until you are. I also advise against hookups, because even then, you’re connecting with someone and eventually, someone will get hurt

  8. You know, you would be 50% of a relationship and you have a say in how that relationship would look like. If you dont want to be responsible of someone else (dont know really what that means) you dont have to and you can talk about with your partner. The same with your other fears. There are all kinds of relationships and the good ones are when two people get together and respect each other and love each others uniqueness.

    Im a person that has the tendency to attract avoidant people. I always wish they would tell me what they are afraid of so we could talk about it and try and work around it. I think alot of avoidants would be supriced by what their partners would accept, embrace and have consideration for if they would just talk about it instead of running away.

  9. hi! first i just wanna say i relate to these sort of feelings, they’re familiar to me, and i know they’re not easy to deal with, it’s easy to feel like you’re a broken person etc etc. Recognizing these feelings is an important first step for healing. you’re already in therapy which is great! i commend you for that.

    I would suggest doing some research on attachment theory, it sounds like you have sort of classic avoidant/anxious tendencies. looking into this more, you might find a sort of “attachment style “ that really resonates with you, don’t attach to identifying with it because they’re not static, but the traits might really speak to you and help you identify what sort of things trigger you about the thought of being in a relationship. 

    if i could recommend some reading to you, check out the book “attached”, it’s definitely not perfect but is a good introduction to this sort of stuff. also the book “the anxious perfectionist” really spoke to me, it’s an easy read but very profound for people who tend to overthink things. this is just a foot in the door, there’s loads of stuff to read that can help you. 

    it sounds like you’re at the beginning of your mental health journey, keep approaching it with curiosity, and keep trying. it’s not going to be easy!! these sort of fears will pop up when you get close to intimacy, and it can be really difficult to have the wisdom to know when to trust your anxieties, vs just sitting with them and letting them pass. it will get easier, but it will be hard. 

    also as an aside, just a few thoughts about what you posted, you mention you don’t want to feel “responsible” for someone else. i know this feeling very well! when you’re in a relationship, or close to intimacy, it can start to feel like you are responsible for the other person in a way, like they’re getting close and vulnerable but you can feel yourself distancing so it feels like you sort of have their heart in your hands. it’s a big burden, but not necessarily true. you don’t carry the whole burden of a relationship in your hands, other people are whole people too who make decisions with their free will, so take it easy thinking you have all the control of a relationship.

    lastly i’ll say it can be hard to get advice for these sort of anxieties. LOTS of people here have been really hurt by people who have these sort of anxious/avoidant traits, and they tend to be very vocal and condescending sometimes for people who are struggling with these sort of things. just know that you’re not broken, you deserve to feel love and have it be nourishing, and your messy feelings aren’t as radioactive as you think 

  10. “Since then I’ve been so lonely and want to be with someone but haven’t been able to commit to it. As soon as things get to the slightly more serious level I wanna bail”

    I don’t need to read past this point to tell you: you should NOT be trying to date, in fact you’re part of the problem that girls looking for serious relationships have with guys. You need work on yourself and fix your avoidant problems. Stop wasting other people’s time. 

  12. I’m very similar. My family is so accomplished, and dating made me quickly realized I was just as intimidating as they are to others. It is so much pressure to pick the right man. So many, if they had the courage to ask me out soon feel crushed by the pressure once we are serious enough to get to know me. It has lead to so many relationship problems and future dreams being taken away from me that I’m not focused on dating at all.

  13. It’s normal to have some fear around serious, long-term commitments, but going on a date is a pretty small commitment, no? When you meet someone new, that’s all you’re agreeing to; you’re not agreeing to be “partners.” Maybe it helps to recognize that? There’s no need to be thinking months or years down the road when you’re just having a date with someone.

    If you meet someone you start to like, your fear might rise, and it might help to tell them that. It gives them the chance to be patient with you and to find ways to help you through it.

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