Hi Everyone,

I came across this forum because I’ve been struggling with something and could use some outside perspective. I’m honestly questioning myself—whether I’m being too sensitive, narrow-minded, or if my concerns are valid.

My wife and I have been married 15 years, and until recently I’ve never felt the need to doubt her or worry about our relationship. But with one of our couple friends (let’s call them Philip and Philipa), I’ve started noticing a pattern that makes me uncomfortable.

Here are some examples:

  1. Philip tends to text my wife directly about things like restaurant recommendations or kid’s classes instead of me. The chats aren’t frequent, but when they happen, they’re always one-on-one with her rather than me or in a group. In my experience, the usual “unspoken code” in couple friendships is husbands usually text husbands and wives text wives. So this stood out.
  2. On a recent trip, my wife asked something in our group chat. Philip then messaged her privately. Maybe it was just more convenient for him, but when I casually asked who she was texting, she brushed it off with “no one.”
  3. Later on that trip, during dinner, Philip mentioned that he and my wife had a lot of common interests (like food choices and a few other things).
  4. My wife suggested she’d attend a school event for our teenage son alone, even though we usually always go together. Later I found out Philip was also there for his son. (Maybe just a coincidence)
  5. When we’re in a group, Philip often chooses to sit closer to my wife even when his own wife is next to him and seems more engaged in talking with her than with me. I usually have no trouble carrying conversations, but in these situations I sometimes feel like I have to “butt in” to be included.

Eventually, these things led me to check my wife’s phone (something I normally don’t do). What I found wasn’t shocking, but it added to my unease. For example, regarding a recent dinner plan: I had asked who initiated it, since I’d been avoiding going out with them. My wife told me it was Philipa, but in the texts it was actually my wife who had brought it up with her. She downplayed it when I asked, which made me wonder why she’d lie about something so minor. I also found another text Philip asking my wife about a restaurant.

To be very clear: I do not suspect cheating. I think my wife enjoys the attention and doesn’t see any harm in it. She insists the conversations are short, on-topic, and nothing to worry about. And maybe she’s right.

But after 15 years of marriage, this has triggered feelings I’ve never had before, and I’m struggling to let it go. She talks to other friends and that’s never bothered me—so something about this dynamic feels different, and I’m not sure why.

So here’s my question: Am I overthinking this? Is this kind of dynamic normal in couple friendships? Or is it fair to expect clearer boundaries and more transparency?

Thanks for reading—any perspective would really help me make sense of this.


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