My husband always wants to have sex. Like every day. We are in our mid 20s and I stopped the pill a year ago because he always wants to have Dec and I never have the sex drive. Now, I want to have sex even less. Last night, he spent 30 minutes telling me how now having Dec is ruining our relationship. I have tried all kinds of methods to increase my sex drive, but I am truly over it all. This morning, we were supposed to go out of town to pick up stuff together and he didn’t even wake me up or tell me goodbye (I overslept). I really love him, but I feel like our relationship is over. Is sex really going to be the end of my marriage? Is there any coming back from this? Am I the problem?

Edit: guys I literally don’t want to have sex with anyone. I don’t want to have sex at all. I didn’t make this post to shame him, I’m trying to figure out how we can actually stay together and live a happy life. It started out fine and we had sex but anymore he wants it a lot more often and having sex drains me so much it makes me just want to cry. I love him a lot and I don’t want the relationship to be over but he keeps telling me he is unhappy and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who never has sex. I honestly didn’t expect anyone to see this or reply to it and I just wanted to vent. 🙁


36 comments

  1. You are not sexually compatible

    Thats pretty important in a marriage

    Try sex therapy

  2. Is it just a libido issue or is there another reason you don’t want to have sex with him?

  3. You are allowed to feel how you feel about sex and he’s allowed to feel how he feels about sex. If those two feelings aren’t compatible, best to admit it now and move on. I could not be in a sexless marriage, I just couldn’t. I have a very strong and primal urge to have sex with my wife and you may as well ask me to stop breathing or eating.

    However, I read about men and women every day on Reddit who don’t care about sex. Go find someone who also doesn’t care.

  5. You are incompatible – yes it’s over. Both your stances are totally fine, but don’t go together for a healthy relationship.

  6. Everyone is different, but it could be a deal breaker for some if it goes on for an extended period of time. Have you considered getting your hormone levels checked?

  7. Yes you are the problem. Sex is hugely important in a relationship. You are both young. He deserves to be happy. You also deserve to be happy. Time to move on and let him get sex elsewhere.

  8. Sex is the one thing that is reserved for our partners. Would you be angry if he got it somewhere else? If so, do you think that’s okay, for him to go without it for the rest of his life, or have it very sparingly, because you don’t feel like it? I can’t imagine not feeling desired by my husband, that would take such a heavy toll on me.

    If there was no medical reason, or reason other than you not being in the mood and not wanting to, I would divorce you too. Sex is one of the foundational pieces of my marriage. We both thoroughly enjoy it, and all of the intimacy that comes with it.

    You said in a comment that you see sex as a means to have children and since you don’t want children right now, there’s essentially no need for it. How did this not come up before you got married? That’s a 100% dealbreaker for me, and you *need* to be crystal clear with him and tell him that’s exactly how you feel so he can find someone else. You’re wasting everyone’s time by not being fully transparent about such an important piece of the puzzle.

  9. I think it’s not fair on your husband to be a voluntary celibate during his mid 20s. If he has good sex drive, it will only be torture going forward. Now one deserves a dead bedroom involuntarily. Hopefully, you guys sit down and decide to separate amicably before he cheats and things blow up.

  10. You are in your 20’s and do not want sex and you hink your husband is 100% of the problem?

    A husband wanted sex is mostly exspected.

  11. I’d say yes, this sort of incompatibility in your 20’s would be hard to live with for anyone. Personally, if it were me, I’d accept it as long as you were making a good faith effort to improve the situation, but if you weren’t, it would be a strong signal that my needs weren’t important enough for you and that you didn’t care enough about me. Also, the strong majority of men can’t form deep emotional bonds without physical intimacy, so you can expect to drift apart over time.

  12. I’m 31 and female and for me this would be a huge issue. I left my last marriage, part of the reason was surrounding sex or lack thereof.

  13. You and your husband both took a vow and agreed to only be physically intimate with one person for the rest of your lives. imagine how your husband feels that the one person he vowed to be intimate with, doesn’t want to be intimate with him. What is he supposed to do? Just go without sex for the rest of his life?

    That being said, you are perfectly valid in not wanting to have sex, but he is perfectly valid in wanting a spouse that wants to have sex. So, if you truly love your husband and want it to work out, you need to work on this. If you don’t think you can change, you need to set him free so he can find someone he is compatible with sexually.

  14. Yes. Sex will be the end of your marriage.
    Yes. Your marriage is dying or pretty much dead.
    Sorry but that’s kinda it.

    You are sexually incompatible. These are things the dating stage should have analyzed. This is one of the purposes of masturbation, premarital sex and premarital cohabitation – to know yourself as a sexual being and to know yourselves as a potential monogamously sexual couple.
    Things do change with age and reproduction but not in your 20s. I think you are fundamentally incompatible.

  16. Yeah, probably. If my wife were *unable* to make love, that’s different. I’d 100% stay. But if it’s just 100% off the table? Might stay for the kids, but at that point you’re just roommates with government oversight.

  17. You both at this point are miserable.

    I assume you have gone to your gyno doctor

    And you have seen a psychiatrist and a therapist

    Maybe for the both of you it’s time to divorce and meet someone that’s more compatible

  18. You guys are in your 20s so I assume you have been married a fairly short time.

    This is the perfect time to accept incompatibility and move on. There are so many other people out there. You will grow and develop as a person so much over the coming decades and the chances of actually staying compatible with a partner from your 20s is pretty low.

    I was in a 10 year relationship where we stopped having sex after about 2 years. We were married for the last six. We never had sex through the entire, actual marriage.

    Why did I stay so long? She is a good person and we had a pretty easy going relationship and everything about it was pretty practical. But with no sex, there’s eventually no romance and even a kiss on the lips to say goodnight starts to feel like you are kissing a platonic friend or even a sibling, so it just doesn’t feel right.

    I’m in my 40s and have just started dating again since separating in January. The divorce is just awaiting a sign off from a judge which will be a few weeks from now.

    It has been fun so far! It is exciting to meet new people, learn about them and learn more about yourself at the same time. It hurts to get rejected and it hurts to reject. But I actually feel much more confident in myself now than I did with the very FALSE sense of security my marriage provided.

    Either there are very good reasons you physically and emotionally don’t want sex with your husband or maybe you’re just not into sex at all, really. Either is okay. But you have to be honest with one another and if you are ultimately incompatible, there is no reason to spend a decade or more in denial.

    Talk to a therapist. Figure out your own needs. Suggest to him to do the same. Then, talk to one another and seek couples therapy if you still think that’s even realistic. But when it comes down to it, you are completely incompatible sexually, and if that doesn’t change, it absolutely will start to erode the other parts of the marriage and you will both grow very resentful.

  21. It sounds like you are asexual. That’s totally fine. But you need to let your husband go and. Find someone else who is asexual or you’re signing two people up for a life of misery. You can try sex therapy, but if at 20 you truly have no desire at all to have sex, you should probably just move on and let him go.

  22. No sex is a deal breaker in a lot of relationships, my own included. If you want to stay married you need to address why you have no desire and see if it’s something that can be helped at all. You could also be someone who is asexual. But if that’s the case or there is nothing that can be done to fix things you may need to love your partner enough to let him go.

  24. For some people, sex is an integral facet of a romantic relationship. And if this is true for one partner and not the other, it can be very problematic.

    Your husband would likely rank sex as one of the top 3 facets of a healthy relationship, among other things like trust, communication, respect, etc. Now rank your own and consider how you would feel if your expectations regarding one of them was rarely being met.

    Sadly, it seems like you’re just not compatible.

  25. It’s perfectly fine for you to decide what you need or don’t need within a relationship, but trying to will your partner to agree and accept it for your benefit is a big, rather (rather entitled)ask given the context you’ve provided.

    Think about anything you have come to rely on your husband and this relationship to provide. If your husband just decided one day “I’m not going go do any of that any longer, as I’m over it now” how would that make you feel about the prospects of a good relationship for the future.

    But if your husband was my friend, knowing what I know now about adult married life, I would be absolutely be urging him to file for divorce more or less immediately, especially if he wants a family someday.

    You’ll be better off with a lower libido partner in the long run, but please dont pretend like you have a normal/high libido for the first 6-12mos of your next relationship.

  26. How would you feel if he had sex with someone else? If it’s not important to you, then it shouldn’t bother you.

  28. I personally wouldn’t want to be in a marriage in my 20s in a sexless marriage. You’re asking him to sacrifice far too much. Think of him and his needs and wants. He’s never gonna be satisfied with a spouse who never wants to have sex. If you don’t have kids you’re lucky. Maybe just accept that you’re incompatible and end it now before you get too deep and waste too much more time.

  31. There are a few things. One, I would go to a doctor and get my hormones checked. You said coming off the pill made you want to have *less* sex. That’s unusual.

    Two, he shouldn’t be punishing you or demanding sex. It’s not sexy and it’s not conducive to a healthy relationship.

    Three, lack of sex can be a reason to end a marriage. One of the features of a marriage (typically) is exclusivity of sexual partners. Granted, you could tell him that he can get sex elsewhere, but I don’t think that’s going to make your marriage stronger.

    Four, no one is entitled to your body. Maybe you just don’t want to have sex every again. That’s fine. He’s got some choices to make in that event.

  32. You stopped taking the pill because he always wants to have sex? And now you’re concerned about getting pregnant so you don’t want to have sex?

    This doesn’t make sense. Also why is no one commenting on the birth control or lack thereof changing your libido. I think women do experience sex drive changes often when they come off of birth control. You need to talk to a doctor about this.

  33. The day you decided you’re “over it”, that’s the day you stopped trying to make this marriage work. Once he realizes or you tell him you’re not going to do anything to help the matter, there’s really very little chance this marriage continues.

  34. I mean maybe? It’s pretty important to many people, but I get how feeling pressured can make you want it less. Is there any amount that sounds good to you?

  35. Sex is a huge part of a marriage and it’s a dealbreaker for many. It’s understandable that someone doesn’t want to be in a dead bedroom, especially if they’re so young.
    It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible if this isn’t something that can change. He deserves to have the sex he wants and needs and you shouldn’t have to be pressured if you’re just not into it (could you possibly be asexual?). There’s other people out there who aren’t into sex so if it’s not something you’re willing to work with a sex therapist about then maybe you’d be better suited finding a man who doesn’t want it. I wish you well.

  36. In your 20s, most women still have a pretty healthy sex drive. I would be sure that you get some hormone testing to ensure that everything is normal.

    If it is normal, then you’re obviously someone who is just not that interested in sex and that’s OK … however it’s not OK to expect him to be married to someone for the rest of his life who doesn’t want sex.

    You would just be incompatible. People divorce for incompatibility all the time.

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