I (27F) am struggling with this family situation. I am an immigrant and have been in America for almost 2 decades. My parents (50s) are still quite conservative and have that traditional mindset still while me and my siblings are more americanized. I still value my culture and where I'm from but I have basically no deep connection the way they do. For the past year, my parents have been pushing very hard into arranged marriage situations where they find these guys from group chats and send me there info and telling me to chat with them. I don't mind the getting married part but ever since I can understand our culture, I have been against the idea of finding a husband their way. I wanted to find someone on my own, i wanted to find meaningful connection first. I knew they have their conditions and I tried my best to meet them but its difficult when both of our conditions clash.
They have been extra hard on me recently because now I am not as busy and definitely have time to find someone their way and I dont know how to convince them about my boyfriend (29M) of few months now. Another big thing is them getting enraged that I am completely against marrying someone from the same career as me. Especially my dad, no matter how calmly I explain why they refuse, my reasons, to them, are stupid.
My boyfriend and his family are also from the same country but from a different cultural background, and they’ve been in the U.S. since they were kids, so they’re much more Americanized. They’ve been nothing but kind and welcoming to me, and I love him deeply. He’s not in the career field my parents want, and once I finish my training, I’ll likely earn more than . It's not something that matters to us at all, but I know it will be a big deal for my parents.
I respect my parents and everything they’ve done for me, but I’m terrified they won’t accept him or his family. Anytime I bring up anything outside of their expectations, it an extreme reactions. The fact that go out and hang out with people past 12 pm on weekends is already such a big issue. I've tried to explain to my mom about his and its a " if he as condition we don't like you have to drop it" but that's now how it works?? I'm going emotions first and they are looking at their conditional check list first. It's just so many threats, like "its the SIL of this house he has to be perfect", "we will move in with you", "the whole family with uproot to you clearly you lost your ways". I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know why my feelings or wishes are being taken into account at all. I don't know why their reputation is such a big deal over me and I just simply don't know how to communicate any of this to them and have them just understand me.
I feel like its just a lose-lose situation for me. I go their way and I keep them but lose who I am, if I resist, I keep myself but I lose them. I just don't know what to do.
like threats that my mom will move in with me or that the whole family will uproot and move to me.I want to be honest and tell them I’m seeing someone and that I want to consider him seriously as a life partner, but I’m scared of the backlash. I don’t know how to approach this conversation without it turning into a huge fight or emotional guilt trip.Has anyone else navigated something similar? How did you introduce your partner to traditional/immigrant parents? How do you set boundaries while still maintaining respect and some peace at home?
TL;DR: I (27F) am caught between my immigrant parents’ (50s) traditional expectations for an arranged marriage and my desire to choose my own partner. They’ve been pushing hard for me to meet men their way, but I’ve recently started dating someone (29M) I love who doesn’t fit their strict checklist. My parents are very controlling, dismissive of my reasons, and even make threats (like moving in with me if I don’t comply). I respect them deeply but feel like I’ll either lose myself by giving in or lose them by resisting. I want to be honest about my relationship but am terrified of their reaction. How can I introduce my boyfriend, set boundaries, and maintain peace with my family?