I’ll start by saying, I have a seven-year-old of my own and come from very small, close knit family. I love my kid and I do so much for him all the time. But I’m also a parent who has an identity outside of “mom” and i understand balance and taking care of myself too.
My fiancé and I have dated for 2.5 years, and so far is growing into stepdad role well. My son loves him and vice versa.
Fiancée is young at heart and playful, great with kids. But…As I grew to know him, he seemed overly attached to his niece and nephew (they’re a few states away). It seems like they’re his entire world. He goes back a lot to spend time there, their birthdays are a way bigger deal than any other holiday. Christmas he didn’t spend with us because he wanted to be back with them (this was fine the first two years, but if we are to marry and be a family I’d assume we spend Christmas together).
Also, it is the frequency and the way he talks about them, as if they’re his own; he seems overly involved. When we got our families together for a visit, we were planning activities. Allllll he talked about was stuff to do for the kids. Every single conversation revolved around them. When I asked him about it, he if the kids were happy the parents were happy. I agree with that, BUT not every single thing needs to be about the kids.
I remember when I first met him his mom mentioned he’s always the centerpiece when kids are around. In fact, I now notice he runs himself to the ground and gets exhausted and ends up usually getting sick every time he’s visiting with them. Every single holiday, gathering, and now our own wedding I completely kid centric. And look, I know some holidays should be and I am all about my kid on his birthday, Easter, Christmas., etc. please don’t get me wrong. But there’s a difference here. Trust me.
Upon talking about involving the kids in the wedding ceremony, which I am all for, he started making up this entire thing like it’s a game where they get to dress up and play and basically become the centerpiece. He wants us to dress up like royalty so his niece can be a princess because that’s what she’s into rn. If she wants to dress up like a princess, that’s fine, but he is making our entire ceremony to be centered around the kids. And not even my kid. It’s mostly about his niece. I did mention my observation to him and asked if we can focus on us, then he said well I guess I’ll just do my own thing with the kids separately then. That’s weird? Idk.
I let that slide and then the other day brought up our wedding cake and asked him what flavors he liked. He said we should just do cupcakes cause that’s best for the kids. That comment just broke the straw lol.
How do I talk to him?
TL;DR: my fiancé is nonstop focused on his niece and nephew and kid stuff and doesn’t seem to have much joy or sense of self outside of doing things for them. I’m feeling back burnered – esp with wedding planning. Every convo is about the kids and making things good for them.