If a girl had a hoe phase after a breakup or first relationship hurting her leading her to a huge hooking up to numb, would you be able to accept? I started dating in my early 20s and my first relationship hurt me a lot like a lot to the pain I had to quit sex to numbing myself and getting therapy. I feel I have healed a bit and doing better being sober. I feel if I even try to explain my body count which I think is 30 but can only remember 10 names so idk, the men don’t see me pure or innocent anymore. And most men say I owe them sex if I was able to do it with so many. I try explaining my past and when they ask kinks, I try to explain I don’t do them or if I do then I’m a “freak” even tho I rather do basic simple sex and build emotionally intimacy. I think sexual trauma made me change my perspective how much we as a society are trained to only feel pleasure in extreme pain so it’s like retraining your body that “normal” sex is fine too and you can feel pleasure. I also don’t enjoyed sex it’s been a year so trying to date again. I enjoy the emotions and aftercare and I hate I can’t orgasm it doesn’t bother me but it does for the men. I developed pelvic dysfunction and endometriosis which men say I can give them a bj inside and they aren’t understanding, I don’t want that. I know I can just unmatch or block which I do. But I also probably should shut up saying my past. When would you want to know your date has pelvic dysfunction and endometriosis and sex will take time for me?
21 comments
Relationships are founded on honesty, and men can have preferences too.
You’re better off finding an asaxual male then.
Oh no my actions are leading to consequences… 🤦♂️
Own it or become a liar.
Relationships need sex. Telling someone you did all this kinky stuff with all sorts of other people and won’t do it now is a huge red flag in my book. Maybe you need to reassess if you can have a relationship since you’re unwilling to compromise on so many things
This is rather subjective. Others see this as a red flag. Others don’t care at all and to some it only matters that this phase is truly in your past. While a body count of 30 isn’t a very small one it’s certainly not one of the higher ones you hear nowadays. I bet my current wife might have something similar, but I have never asked her nor am i that interested in it since it’s clearly in her past.
Men seldom ask people to “see beyond their past”. Our past defines us. This is the essence of accountability.
Your question is commonly asked by women, but the reality is you knew some men wouldn’t like it. You knew this day would come.
Find a man who is okay with out. Your pool of potential partners is smaller, but not zero.
For some men, that’s just a no-go. Others can look past it. Honestly is your best option, if the response to your honestly is not compatible with you, then you are not compatible with the person. If you keep looking, eventually you will find what you’re looking for.
I’m a guy and I’ve had hoe phases. None of us are saints or perfect, we’ve all had pasts. What matters is who we are now and how we behave with each other now. I’m not ashamed of my past because it was all instrumental in growing me in to who i became, and im no longer that man but a much better version of him and you are exactly the same.
You wouldn’t be you without your lived experienced, so the question isn’t about who you used to be but who you are now as that’s the person men will be dating
Typically the kind of guys that match your numbers have no room to complain.
It’s just the guys that spent that time being “left out of the party.”. They often might not be able to get over it.
It’s not exactly a good time to feel like the person that gets the job once the play is over.
All of the above information should be disclosed fairly early during the phase where you are getting to know one another. Men have preferences. Many if not most men will have a problem with your past. That is simply the reality. You are free to conduct yourself how you want to, but just realize very few men will be ok waiting for sex when you dished it out so constantly previously.
some blokes will be fine. others won’t be. neither are right or wrong. some chicks like 6’3” dudes and a $250k salary, i don’t like ran-through or fat chicks, to each their own.
but we all learn sooner or later that past decisions have future consequences and you just gotta figure out how to deal with the fallout of our shit choices. i’d drop the lengthy victim diatribe – it sounds more like excuses than accountability – and just own it. don’t want to sound harsh but no one gives a shit about your story, they just want to know you can leave yesterday behind and not keep waking up a sad sack of shit tomorrow. it happened, so be it, we live and learn and pray we do better from now on. there’s someone out there for everyone so just hold tight, they turn up sooner or later.
In terms of seeing beyond your past, that is a matter of maturity for each man in question. Some people will simply never be able to get over that, but not through any fault of yours. I don’t think most men, regardless of maturity level, love hearing about the former exploits of their partner, so it might not be advisable to talk about it at length (not saying that you are doing that, I just mean in general), but mature men will be able to see your current self as having outgrown the methods of your previous self. A body count of 30 isn’t small, but it’s also not astronomical, and it seems like it is the result of a lot of inner turmoil. But saying something like “I was a real wreck after a break up and it led me to a lot of self-destructive sexual behavior that I really regret,” sounds very differently in a man’s ear than “I have slept with 30 people.”
I think that looking for the kind of man who can see past that on dating apps however is a fool’s errand, as they are simply not used to cultivate long term relationships, even the more involved ones like Hinge get cheapened over the span of a few years.
As far as telling people you have a pelvic dysfunction, I think that’s something to hold off on telling someone until you have established an emotional connection, but before engaging in sexual activity. It would probably be best to say that you don’t like having sex early in a relationship, and then if a relationship continues to the point where you feel comfortable enough to tell your partner why, you can have that discussion then. It will weed out a lot of people who want quick sex and might therefore seem like nobody wants to be with you because of it, but it’ll just take some patience to find someone who can handle that.
This is just my opinion of course.
You can’t _make_ anyone see beyond your past.
You can search for someone whose standards match what you bring to the table.
Well nothing you post here is something positive. But if you have other stuff going for you, you might get lucky. Everyone else is flawed, too.
You got that going for you
We all make mistakes and that’s something everyone should accept but you also have to accept that we also all have preferences. Since you mentioned unmatching I’m guessing you’re talking at least partially about dating apps. Dating apps are a cesspool. They’ve become less about actually dating and more about hookups. Even if you put in your bio that you’re not looking for a hookup. That seems to be a “challenge” to most people. I don’t think you should hide your past, I think you should explain why it happened. If the first part of a relationship is a lie then it’s doomed from the start. And if they don’t accept you because of it or try to pressure you into this or that, then they aren’t the right person anyway.
Personally I couldn’t care less about body counts. I live in a very small town with practically nothing to do. Everyone has been with everyone because it was something to do and our options were limited living in the middle of nowhere. I care more about number of relationships. for example If you’re only 30 years old and have been in 30 relationships, that says a lot more about you than if you had just slept with 30 people. If you’ve had a lot of relationships and the longest was less than a year, I would definitely have some concerns.
Life have consequences… I will not even touch a woman that had more than 1 in life… It’a like Voldemorts horcruxes 😀 .. you will split your soul every time you sleep with someoene else. Afrer so many, you are soulless rock unable to truly love.
Just like you wouldn’t marry a fuck boi because you know damn well they lost the ability to pair bond long term is the exact way men view women like you. It’s not a good idea to sign a dotted line with someone who isn’t a long term thinker.
You can’t. You either find someone who’s okay with it or not. Just means you will probably face a lot of rejection. It is what it is.
I’m sure there are some guys who are willing to make a “hoe” (your word, not mine) a wife. However, you have to understand men with options won’t.
Look at it like this, men who can afford to buy new cars won’t buy a used one from a rental company.
>I feel if I even try to explain my body count which I think is 30 but can only remember 10 names so idk, the men don’t see me pure or innocent anymore. And most men say I owe them sex if I was able to do it with so many.
You don’t need to explain it or even tell them the body count number. They’ll not know unless you reveal the number to them, which frankly isn’t anyone’s business but your own. If someone insists on knowing than you can be sure they’re also going to care a lot if it’s high. You can simply dismiss them and move on rather than exposing yourself to their nonsense.
All that matters about other partners is whether they passed along something or not. If you and the guy trade STI tests and there’s nothing concerning, that’s what should matter.
>When would you want to know your date has pelvic dysfunction and endometriosis and sex will take time for me?
I’d like to know if it looked like we were getting serious.
By the way, I don’t know if you’ve been to a pelvic floor physiotherapist, but if not they may be able to help you. I know a couple and your condition wouldn’t be unusual for them to be treating.
> If a girl had a hoe phase after a breakup or first relationship hurting her leading her to a huge hooking up to numb, would you be able to accept?
No.
If I was in the same situation and a woman that just jumped into every bed that let her because she was sad offered to be with her, well, that would tell me a lot about our sexual compatibility, i.e. none of it.
I too had a bad first relationship. She broke my heart by having a side guy (cheating on me) and leaving to marry him. But I didn’t start sleeping with everything that breathed because *my* opinion is that sex is an act of intimacy between a man and woman in love.
But that’s me. Find someone who is OK with dating a woman who had 30 dicks inside her, of which she remembers only 10, and be happy.
EDIT: also all of this:
> I think sexual trauma made me change my perspective how much we as a society are trained to only feel pleasure in extreme pain so it’s like retraining your body that “normal” sex is fine too and you can feel pleasure. I also don’t enjoyed sex it’s been a year so trying to date again. I enjoy the emotions and aftercare and I hate I can’t orgasm it doesn’t bother me but it does for the men. I developed pelvic dysfunction and endometriosis which men say I can give them a bj inside and they aren’t understanding, I don’t want that.
Nobody wants to deal with level of baggage when there are women without it. Deal with this shit first, then start dating.