I write this while laying in bed with this thought just repeating in my head.

Am I the asshole for getting turned off?
I personally like slow and soft when it comes to foreplay, especially if it's late in the evening and we are both planning on going to sleep when we are done enjoying each other intimately.
But
My partner is not very good at that and I'm not really sure why. It feels like nervous energy but I can't seem to get a good answer and I'm not a therapist so I don't really know.

We will go to bed and play on our phone for a minute before turning off the lights and getting comfortable. After my partner puts their phone down and plugs it up I'll do the same. Then we will typically cuttle for a few minutes. Everything is good up to this point.
Then, if I am in the mood I'll put my hand on my partners hip and slowly rub and feel their body. Not moving straight to anywhere in particular but just trying to test the water. If they respond in kind ill start to get more to the point. All good right? Well more often than not I'll get told "I'm pretty tired". I can 💯 respect that. But because it's feels like I have low odds I have refrained form initiating. I hate missing the chance that we are both in the mood but I don't want to be annoying.

So easy solution, I'll just let them initiating right. Smh.
Well when they are in the mood my partner just can't seem to figure it out, and I'm not that hard to get in the mood. Basically just touch me and I'm ready to go. In my mind I'm simple but my partner will just start fucking with me. Flicking my nipples, giggling like a crazy person 2 inches from my ear in a dead quiet house. Making jokes that are tbh childish, not inappropriate or dirty but childish. Like, how you you react if I just came home with a elephant and then proceeds to laugh incessantly. Or repeating memes over and over. Lizard lizard lizard lizard lizard lizard lizard lizard lizard.

And I try and stay level headed and I will just lay there waiting for them to calm down but if I don't seem to be responding my partner will insist I give a kiss good night and roll over and go to bed. But to make it worse they will make comments during the day about us not having sexy time and not responding when they try to initiate. And I have told them what I like. Slow, calm, sensual, low volume pillow talk, hand finding themselves in fun areas, in my eyes just the most basic of stuff.
When they are being loud and … Just straight up annoying I get completely out of the mood and I can tell it kinda hurts their feelings. And I feel bad. I can tell they are having fun but to not recognize that what they are doing isn't working on me and trying something else. Tbh it pisses me off sometimes.

Anyway to finish off this rant, I am a bit of an asshole because I still want to get off at least every once in awhile so I'll just take care of it myself but I feel so guilty.
Idk if there is really any advice that would help things but I really just wanted to right this out.


9 comments

  4. Sounds like a lot of miscommunication between the both of you over sex. Here are a couple of things I have heard work. Sit down with your partner, without any distractions or phones, or other people around and be honest with them and ask them the following questions.

    Are you satisfied with our sex life?
    How often do you want to have sex in a week?
    Are we going to trade off and on for who initiates sex?
    Are we going to schedule a time?
    Do you like just the laying down bit or do you like to have sex in other areas of the house?

    If you don’t care to get clear on these and are fine just going about what you are doing then either accept that as your baseline and accept that’s where it’s always going to be. Or, if you want it to be different but don’t really care to change anything please go see a counselor or someone in person to talk these things through and find the underlying issues. You matter and your needs,wants, desires matter to your partner. If you don’t think they do or if they don’t think unmet needs are important then it’s time to look at where your relationship is at.
    Hope this helps.

  5. Try communication. If it works, great. If not, move on. Incompatibility on intimacy is just impossible to ignore on the long run. 

  6. Does she think saying Lizard 20 times will turn you on?

    Was she dating Mark Zuckerberg before?

  7. NTA. It legit sounds like they have no idea how to initiate or be sexy, because no cap that shit would turn me off, too. Imo this is more a soft skills issue (no pun intended) where your partner doesn’t understand the technique required to communicate what they want physically without verbal cues, so they do or say something inappropriate instead.

    The best way to address the issue is to get comfortable in a non-sexual environment and discuss it with them in as positive a light as possible. Something blunt like, “you turn me on so much, but some of the ways we approach sex makes me uncomfortable.” List the things that make you uncomfortable and ask if the tables were turned how they would feel. During the discussion, repeatedly mention how much you still enjoy their company and how they make you feel, and how attractive they are to you. Suggest taking turns expressing to each other in bed how you both like to initiate sex, then practice (and enjoy the party) by instructing your partner how to touch you as they do it, then reciprocate back. I can’t express how useful it is when a partner guides your hands with theirs as they instruct you verbally! And lastly, be firm in correcting their behavior, and very quickly follow up with what you want instead, such as, “hey, I didn’t appreciate that… Instead touch me here,” or, “I don’t want to talk about anything right now except how hot we are for each other – tell me what you want me to do to you and nothing else.”

    If that doesn’t work, then I recommend seeing a sex counselor or relationship counselor. Best of luck, friend!

  8. Tell him you want to be more adventurous together and check out videos on new techniques on http://www.beducated.com

    Will make it seem like about stepping up the fun, you can direct him to videos that focus on sensuality and foreplay to wake him up to what’s pleasurable, and even try new things;)

  9. No disrespect but your whole situation sounds awkward as hell. Why are you playing on your phones? Why have you got that complacent routine?

    You mention dead silence, why not have a bit of background music?
    The whole thing sounds like its a chore.

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