Hi. It’s my first time on this app and also my first time posting on the internet about smth personal. But i'm feeling so lost and confused about what's happening in my life, not to search for help. Sorry for my English, it is not my first language, not even my second 😭
I just found out that my father hated me. I thought it was just a bit of dislike, because im his oldest daughter and i was also very different from him (not liking the same sport or music as him), but my sister just told that he was criticizing me everytime my back was turn, saying i deserved nothing, that i was an awful daughter or how i was so different from him in a bad way…
For me it was a shock, i knew we werent as close as before, when i was young, but to learn that i wasnt even a little bit loved by him or liked, i felt shattered.
I knew that we grew apart, him being a hard working man, working as construction working, making money for my future, i always respected him, he was sacrificing his life for our future. So i did everything he asked, to work hard and well in school, spending hours studying to have the best grades. He never said he was proud of me, but always bragged about my cleverness to his colleagues or friends. I thought that he was just not used to be vocal about his feelings. But little by little, as I continue my studies, going to high school, and now almost entering university, he began to say other things.
How I was too lazy to work, how studying was so much easier than what he did, how I was just losing his time and money. He pushed me in this direction, and now he didn't want me to finish what I started. I would be glad to try other things, but he doesn't want me to try. I don't have any experiences in any field, so how can I suddenly change path. I did everything he wanted, I even chose to study to be a doctor, something I never wanted to do, to please him. He pushed me to this decision, and now he complains about me wasting his money because of the time I would need to finish it.
I don't know what to do anymore, I don't have anything else in life besides my studies, because of him. I tried to do everything right to please him, so that he would not shove me out of the house for being useless. But even now, as I ruined my happiness over and over again, he still doesn't love me.
I just don't now how I can go on knowing this…