(this is my throwaway account lol because i’m embarrassed)
I’m 19 and FtM, i’m not a virgin so i have had sex before but in my last relationship (two years long) and i don’t think i have ever even taken off my clothes during sex. I’m strictly a stone top, the thought of being touched freaks me out and I am uncomfortable even being nude in front of a partner.
Idk if this has anything to do with asexuality or im just different. The idea of sex sounds great but in reality it just makes me uncomfortable and the thought of being approached sexually sounds cool in theory but in practice i’d probably freak out.
I flip-flop between being very sex positive and very sex repulsed. When I think about previous sexual relationships, i feel sick and ashamed. When I had sex before and it ended, i just felt embarrassed and gross, like i wanted to run away and hide.
I’m not sure if i have a history of abuse, idk if you’d count it as abuse but i definitely think it shaped my complex feelings towards sex.
If it means anything at all, I identify as a gay man.