I’ve (35F) never had a good relationship with my mother (61F). Ever since my brother (30M) was born she’s favoured him. Even as a young child I remember my dad getting upset with her for treating us differently. He got name brand clothing and I got Walmart and goodwill, he did every sport and activity, I got only girl guides. One year a week after Halloween she threw out my candy and not my brother’s (I was a fat kid, but still). We’ve never had any of the same interests, my mom is a tomboy, and I like all the girly stuff. She went to all of my brothers sporting events, and didn’t attend the musicals I was in. One year when my brother did join the high school play, she went every single night.
Things got better between my mother and I when I moved out, but recently she’s come to live in my house because of a rocky relationship with my father and and injury that left her needing care. She’s been here about 4 months and it feels like all the issues from my childhood have resurfaced. It’s very obvious she likes my brother and even my husband (35M) more than me. He tone of voice is different when she talks to me, she doesn’t talk or open up nearly as much (if at all), doesn’t ask me any questions or know anything about my life.
I have broken down and begged her to just tell me why she doesn’t like me, but she insists there’s no difference in the way she treats me and anyone else.
Recently, things had been okay for a bit, my coworkers were planning a visit to Medieval Times. I was telling my husband while my mother was present, and I made a joke like “I’ve never been before, summer camp was going, but my mom wouldn’t pay for it.” It was pretty clear it was a joke, and my mom joked back, but it kind of escalated until she said “Well I paid for you to go to England and France in 12th grade.” Only she didn’t. She told me if I wanted to go I had to pay for the trip and she would give me some spending money. I even remember the cost of the trip was $2,300. I had a job already and saved up. I remember clearly filling out the forms and making payments in instalments.
This led to me feeling pretty bad and I ended up asking my mom about other things from my childhood. When I was 18 she planned a trip for her, my dad, my brother, and my brother’s friend to an amusement park and didn’t invite me. She tried to cover it up until the night before when my brother’s friend slept over and I got suspicious. I remember my dad getting very upset about it because she told him I had to work, he didn’t know I was never invited. Her excuse was that I worked every Saturday. She doesn’t remember this at all and just said “I wouldn’t have done that.”
Another memory was that I got accepted to my goal university and remember calling her so excited and all she said was “okay”. She insists that wasn’t true, but I clearly remember feeling so deflated and going from the highest high to immediately crying. My parents also gave me the choice between going away for school and they would pay for my first year of living expenses, or going to the local university and they would buy me a car. I wanted to go to my goal school, but when I got back from the aforementioned trip, a car was waiting on the driveway with a big bow, so my choice was made for me. I didn’t even have a divers licence yet. My mom again, insists this is not what happened. She says I went car shopping with them and chose that car, and when they brought it home my dad wanted to get the bow, but it was my choice and it didn’t happen while I was out of the country.
I’m sure all of this is making me sound spoiled, but my parents are immigrants who worked and saved really hard, and I’ve always been employed since I was 15 years old. The car wasn’t something crazy expensive, it was 8-10 years old at the time and I remember them telling me the top of the budget for the car was $4,000.
The difference between my mom’s recollection of my childhood and my own has really shaken me. I truly don’t know if I made all these things up and forgotten the truth, or if she’s forgotten, or if I’m being gaslit. I would’ve an easier time believing her side if I were younger when these things happened, but I was 16-18 years old. These were traumatic events to me. When I explained to my husband my relationship with my mother, these are the things I told him. And not just recently, I told him these things 10+ years ago.
Please help me work this out, at the very least so I can get it off my mind. Thoughts of this issue have been really intrusive since it all happened and I’m very upset about it all.
TL;DR – my mother has a totally different memory of all the events of my childhood that I view as negative, and I’m not sure how to deal with this revelation.