I (28 male) never got to enjoy my teenage or young adult years due to people-pleasing my very strict, controlling, overprotective and sheltering parents plus being too afraid to rebel and being too scared to do anything that my parents might not approve of or anything that will make them feel disappointed in me. For all these years I was very quiet, shy/timid, and basically kept nearly all of my own thoughts and opinions to myself while playing the role of my parent's "good, responsible and well-behaved son".

With that said, I have always felt that there was something missing in my life. Like I had been in the passenger seat of my life for all these years while watching my parents be the driver of my own life. However, last year after a serious life-changing event regarding my health and a lot of soul searching as well as self-reflection (well you can call this an early midlife crisis if you wish to), I have come to realise that I only have one life and that I should live a life true to myself instead of living life for my parents.

As a result, I am planning to embark on a journey of reclaiming the teenage years and youth that I had missed out of, such as dressing up in alt fashion, partying, making and hanging out with friends, dating around, doing raunchy bed stuff with different girls (if you catch my drift), making memories, having formative experiences, creating my own identity and having wild, reckless fun etc.

So here is the question: Men in your thirties who are living a "prolonged youth" instead of settling into the "adult life" – enjoying life, your hobbies and dating around without kids or other extra responsibilities – what are the drawbacks to your lifestyle choice?


27 comments

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  2. I was single from 27-31 ish. And I dated around and was at the bar or club A LOT during that time. There were few drawbacks tbh. It was a lot of fun.

    No drawbacks. Until you desire a secure connection. Then I decided to be in the drivers seat about finding the right relationship for me.

    After 32-33 though, women will judge you.

    Eventually you’re expected to show up with some type of feeling of ownership.

  3. I feel like there are better ways to channel this than trying to be a rebellious teen at 28.

    Part of that fun is being dumb with dumb other young people.

  5. Settling isnt always the better choice, but the opposite is not necessarily going wild all out. As in my situation after 13 years of relationship/marriage with a terrible ending, I found out that there was almost no “me” left in that life, so I do enjoy my time without limits, I can focus on what I want from life, instead of what someone else wants. So, someone who saw the other side I think some better off in this sort of life.

  6. I’m in my thirties, no wife, no kids. I have a gf though.

    Honestly, it’s fantastic, I can have a sleep in when I want, go out when I want, I have a super healthy savings account so I can travel and spend on hobbies. My partner is older than me, she did the whole kids thing, they are grown up.

    If I have an emergency I don’t have sleepless nights, if I spend slightly more on groceries it isn’t a stress. Most of all if I were ever in a position where I needed to down scale, I can choose that for myself.

    The drawbacks are, that I will never have kids or a family of my own. I’m here for a good time not a long time.

  7. I am not doing this, but have friends who have, and I’d say it’s fun in your 20s, but it’s a tough lifestyle to exit. When you hit your 40s and have no family/romantic partner, no career, and no home it gets pretty rough pretty quick.

    I almost spent some time as a ski bum in my 20s and am so, so glad I didn’t because the people I know who got into that lifestyle are still stuck there in their 40s with nothing. No relationships, no family, still sleeping on peoples’s couches or van-lifing it, with a side of “partying” and substance abuse.

    If you really want to do this, I would strongly recommend putting a time limit on it. “i’ll do it for a year” and be strict about it, and then go back to building a life.

  8. the ojnly drawback i could think of is potential empoloyers could discriminate againts me because i got “fuck you money” and i am not chained to anything, even a place

  9. You should. Cause you’ll always have that “what if” question lingering. I’m 39 and I had somewhat of the same experience you did up until about 30. Over the last 9 years, I have been on a quest to reclaim the “ lost years”. I enjoy most things I was denied. Taking on and exploring new hobbies. For example, I just took up Djing 2 years ago. I am learning more about myself at this age than I ever had. I am living life in my on my own terms.I have not committed to a long term relationship because of this. I feel the need to own and discover myself fully before conforming to the “normal”.

    Don’t compare your timeline to others. Some had a trauma free experience and most don’t/wont have the same epiphany as you. Follow your own script and rewrite it as much as possible.

  10. I didn’t settle til 37–38 ish there were no drawbacks. I did what I want when I wanted and dated who I wanted now with a family it’s great just different. You don’t need a relationship to be happy it’s just a different kind of happiness. I’m glad I did what I wanted when I did. I was in a long term 9 year relationship prior to my 30s and from 29-37 I lived a happy peaceful fun carefree life.

  11. If there’s any drawbacks I’ve yet to find any. 38, no kids, no intention on getting married or cohabitating. Life is good and I’m never really lonely. Sometimes people may judge you for your lifestyle but I never let it bother me.

  12. Well, I have to cook and I hate it.

    Everything else is more-or-less fine.

    And in the end I emigrated to Western Europe, people create families quite late here.

  13. I don’t fall into that category but for the guys I know who lived in this way either ended up being bums for the rest of their lives , lived off their parents wealth or started doing illegal activities for money. Your 20’s and 30’s are meant to build lifelong skills whether it be education or life skills. Your 40’s are used to enhanced those skill sets and turn them into profit. Your 50’s and 60’s are used to enjoy the fruits of your labor and teach the next generation. Don’t waste your youth on stupid stuff. You will regret it when you get older.

  14. I’m trying to think how to best respond to this question because we are just living our lives?

    I’m not trying to be a teenager or a kid. I have a career and a mortgage. I still have friends, sex, play games and enjoy life/hobbies/dating without children.

    All the things you described are just living. So go and live but do it authentically and because it’s what you want to do not because you are trying to fit into someone else’s mold whether your parent’s or some romanticized idea of being a teenager.

  15. There are plenty of dudes living the “adult life” that are wildly unhappy. You’re not required to get married and have kids to be an “adult”. If you’re happy being untethered and free of those responsibilities, there is nothing wrong with that. Don’t let societal pressure push you to do something you don’t want, or aren’t ready, to do, or you’ll join the legions of men living an American Beauty nightmare.

  17. Im 34, and I’ve been doing this since early 20s. Dont see any downsides yet. No mortgage, paid off car, and money set aside for retirement.

  19. I was never attractive enough to date or find someone. After 30 I learned to let go of the idea of romantic love and make peace with it.

    After that, there was nothing else to do but enjoy hobbies, work in fields I liked, do stuff I wanted. I learn new recipes, travel when I feel like it, changed career because my old job became an annoyance. If I want to try out a restaurant or bar, I do. If I want to meet people and so something new, I do. I don’t get to have a wild phase, people don’t see me that way. But I get to do everything else, and it’s good fun.

    Sometimes I feel a pinch when I see happy couples and wonder what it would feel like to hold hands or hug someone tight or be with someone you love. I missed out on stuff, I learned to let go of these thoughts too, no point dwelling on these things.

  21. I will NEVER settle down this is amazing I have my own place.have a child from sleeping around. The only draw back is not coming home to family sometimes but that quickly wears off after a while

  22. Holidays are about families and being the fifth wheel to a Christmas dinner when everyone else has wives and children can be a tad lonely. 

  23. The only “drawback” I’m currently worried about is the fact that I’ll be raising young kids in my 40s instead of my 20s and 30s.

    I had no meaningful way to get married and support a family before my mid to late 20s, but I see the wisdom in those social circles which encourage people to marry and reproduce young if they can. Getting your kids out of the house before 50 would be awesome. I have a half sister who had kids in her early 20s and now has an empty nest at 40. She’s got a new lease on life and very early too.

    I won’t get to experience that. I’ll be raising them in my 50s still.

    That being said — don’t rush your life if you still have experiences and personal growth you still need to engage in.

  24. Truth is there aren’t any real drawbacks. If you don’t have a SO you will get lonely at times, but some people find other ways to fix that (hobbies, joining a club/team, etc)

  25. I think a lot of well intentioned advice and honestly good takes you’re seeing in the comments miss the mark:

    This is childhood trauma, and thus, the job for a professional.

  26. I’m doing all those things, together with my wife, no kids. Very few drawbacks right now. I guess being childless is a drawback in and of itself but it’s also perks.

    Been together 17 years now and getting married in October. Just enjoying life, playing games, sometimes working, going on the occasional trip etc. I try to keep adult responsibilities to an absolute minimum.

  27. I’m married but other than the dating around thing (which I’m glad to be finished with) I’m pretty much still doing that since neither of us want kids. No regrets. Life is hard enough already, and not to get political but frankly I’d feel sort of irresponsible bringing new life into the current feet first slide into fascism.

    I spoil my nieces and nephew, we’re close to the rest of our family and help out and see them a lot, and then go back and live our DINK lifestyle and it works very nicely for us. No regrets.

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