I’m 17 (almost 18), and I’ve been realizing just how badly I’ve treated my dad and how much he sacrificed for me. He says he doesn’t want to fix our relationship anymore, that sometimes the people you’re supposed to be closest to are the ones you need space from. I don’t blame him — but I want advice on how to take responsibility, show I’ve changed, and maybe earn his respect someday.
Background:
My dad(37) raised me mostly from age 3–11 on his own. After that, custody was split, but he was always the one carrying the load. He worked all the time because my grandpa told him you have to work hard to make something of yourself. And at 19 years old, he was gonna have to work very hard to do so with a kid.
Later, my grandpa admitted he regretted saying that because my dad worked himself into the ground. My dad got a degree and a very high-paying job. Any free time he had went to taking me to sports, cooking, cleaning, or studying for his job.
My mom(39) was around but never steady. She worked odd jobs (waiting tables, etc.), but she never really supported me — she didn’t take me to games, help with homework, or push me in school. She even sometimes asked for money when my dad was the full-time parent. Even now, she asks me for money sometimes because my dad has stopped helping her.
My dad’s breaking point:
About a year ago, he had a breakdown. He said he felt like he was never treated like my dad — just my mom’s babysitter. Whenever I had a problem, I told her, and she’d blow up at him or threaten him with crazy accusations. On top of that, she kept asking him for extra money even after remarrying.
The last straw was when I told him I didn’t want to go to college. He had saved for years, stressing how important it was. He made sure I was serious, and I said yes — that I didn’t want it. I was 16, and he decided to take me at my word. He used the money to finally take a year off work. He even retracted his offer to buy me a car (my grandpa stepped in and gave me one). Not long after, he moved 45 minutes away.
Now he has nothing. No family, no wife, no career. No relationship with my mom. He lets me stay with him sometimes, and we’ll cook together, but otherwise he keeps to himself. He told me straight out: “You can’t really fix this. You just move on. I can't get those 15 years of my life back.”
My part in this:
The truth is, I was awful to him. I lied compulsively. I stole money from him. I lied and told him my stepdad wanted to adopt me. I'd exaggerate my dad's punishments or thoughts about school to my mom, knowing she'd threaten to call the police and take him to jail. I skipped his birthday twice to hang out with friends. I blew off school and grades constantly. At 11, I kept saying I wanted to live with my mom, and she encouraged it. That was the last straw. He finally gave in and let me go. only to watch my grades collapse and me spend all day playing video games. He had to uproot his life and move closer just to get me back on track, just 6 months later.
I kept doing all these things until about 15 years old. And I got in trouble for vandalizing the school, and he told me to get a haircut and apply for a job as a punishment. My mom called him to tell him he was abusing me by telling me to get a haircut.
Meanwhile, I see how differently I treat my younger brother (from my mom and stepdad). I help raise him — make sure he reads, plays, and learns. My dad did all of that for me, by himself, while everyone just expected more from him because he’s a man and the firstborn. Nobody helped him. I only understand that now.
Where I’m at now:
I feel ashamed and embarrassed. He gave everything for me, and I gave nothing back. Now he says he doesn’t want to mend things, and maybe he never will. But I still want to try — not to force him to be close again, but to show that I understand, that I regret what I did, and that I want to change.
He doesn't pay for anything but food and child support.
My question: How do I start taking real responsibility for what I did? How can I show my dad that I see his sacrifices and that I’m not the same selfish kid anymore — even if he never wants to be close again?
TL;DR: My dad raised me mostly on his own, worked himself to the bone, and gave me everything. I lied, stole, rejected him, tanked my grades, and pushed him away. The last straw was telling him I didn’t want college after he saved for years — he used the money to finally take a year off and now has nothing. He says our relationship can’t be fixed, but I feel ashamed and want advice on how to take responsibility and show him I’ve changed.