TL;DR: My boyfriend got suddenly very sick 3 months ago and still has no diagnosis. I love him and want to support him, but I feel isolated, guilty, and unable to express my emotions because I’m scared of making him worse. Between his illness, my exhausting job, less quality time, and my own panic attacks, I feel like I’m losing myself and don’t know how to cope with the loneliness while still being there for him.
Hi, my boyfriend (25M) and I (24F) are going through a tough time. I have been really struggling recently with a feeling of isolation and depression in association to him being very sick (I do not want to share details of his sickness, but there is still no answer for what is going on and he is going to doctors) for the past 3 months. It started when we left on a trip together and midway through the flight I complained of being nauseous and had to excuse myself to the bathroom, my bf has a really big fear of vomiting and I think that triggered something and he began uncontrollably gagging and basically had a panic attack that resulted in him getting really sick and anxious for the remainder of the flight, I got extremely panicked and did not know how to help because I did not feel there was anything I could do given the level of panic he felt, we landed and the rest of the trip he was incredibly sick and bedridden some times because he had constant nausea, and I feel really guilty for this but at that time i kind of believed that this could be an anxiety related thing because it was so sudden and onset after I had gotten sick (turns out it was not) and in that time I felt isolated and kind of disappointed because he was sick and we were not doing much/close as a couple during the trip. it was a group trip but this was the first time him and I had ever had a resemblance of privacy since we both live at home and I had fairly strict parents that wouldn’t allow us to sleepover. So I was very excited to stay in a hotel room and have him by my side for the time, I was not in need of sex or anything like that (I have a very low almost nonexistent sex drive) but I wanted to be near him and just cuddle and sleep in the same room as each other, but he was so sick that trip that we did not cuddle and I wound up feeling incredibly isolated, disappointed in our plans changing, and scared, I felt like I had him so close and he was so far away. That whole trip I was so frustrated and felt like I couldn’t talk to him, because another group member said when my disappointment or sadness increases, it makes him worse. And my bf basically confirmed that, and really that was the start to me feeling like I could no longer fully explain my feelings and I for some reason felt like I was causing him to get worse.
It has been three months since the start of this all and there is no end in sight. He is still very sick and doctors are not able to diagnosis him but there is clearly an issue since his test show negative signs and such. I think we have been struggling, and I especially have been feeling alone. He is sick to the point where leaving his house is intense, since he may get an episode and has gotten them, so now there is an associated anxiety. And at the same time I have started a new job that I truly hate and have struggled with, the job has very long hours and I feel so drained. My bf and I live an hour apart but really see each other as much as we can (before he got sick, we would see each other 5 times a week) but now that he is sick and really unable to leave his house and I am working an insane job, we only see each other on weekends. And like I mentioned before, we both live at home, and with him being sick I have been driving to him 85% of the time, and then his family is always around (which is fine I am so close to them and love them like my own) but there is hardly any alone time, and we don’t text as much with me working. It started to feel like I was visiting a friend, since I would go over and he would be sick on the couch and I would basically be hanging out with his family the whole time and of course there is little intimacy like kissing or cuddling since we are in front of people. And then when we would go out, I felt like every time it was a group hangout with his friends since he wouldn’t see them during the week and was trying to maximize his weekends and combine things. I expressed this to him, because it was getting really taxing and I felt like he was my friend more than my boyfriend, he is wonderful and when I vocalized that, he immediately took the info and tried to improve and has since done so. So even if we cant go out, he plans dates for us at home.
Another things is, I have been struggling with my feelings, I have all these large and deep feelings harbored inside but I cant express them, because I feel like every time I do it just feels selfish, because he is sick and he is trying his best to always improve and be there for me. But I miss what we were and I miss being happy. But I feel like if I say this he gets sad and his health gets worse, it is so bad and it pains me that I cant talk to him about all the things in my heart. I feel terrible because he has been so depressed with his quality of life and sickness, that it hurts me when I feel like I am adding to his pile of stress and expressing things in our relationship that feel ‘wrong’. With that, I have been really struggling with these panic attack episodes, basically when I go and visit him after a week of not seeing each other I feel so distant and emotionally stoic, like my heart knows I have missed him so much but my mind minimizes all my feelings of love and longing that I become convinced I don’t know him and get distant (this likely stems from father trauma and a childhood of trust issues and broken promises, I protect myself and turn off my emotions) and the only way my bf and I get better is when we go to a separate room and I have a sort of panic attack and try to explain my feelings to him, and then I feel so much better and its like emotions rush in and I remember how much I love him and how much I miss him and all the pain I have for his pain.
But I am stuck in this vicious cycle of a week of misery and working a job I hate to weekends of coldness that turns into tears that turns into longing and hurt, and the cycle has been painfully continuing for three months, all the months are a blur and I am beginning to feel like I don’t even remember the days, I have struggled with depersonalization before and I feel so close to having an episode of that every weekend. I love this guy so much and will never end things with him, but I am losing my mind and feel so painfully alone, and when I try to explain it to people they say ‘don’t worry he is going to get better’ and I know that at my core, but right now I am not getting better and it hurts to see him in pain and be so helpless and my mental health is continuing to plumate, I literally got stress hives so bad I needed medication, and I continue to get hives. He is the kindest and sweetest boyfriend I have ever had, and he makes me feel special but I don’t know what to do with these emotions since I have never loved somebody so much (usually I end things at the sign of struggle, but I would never do that to him) so I don’t know, I think I just needed to rant and get these things off my mind but I am so open to advice (talking to him is helpful and I do that and he puts action behind any words, but I would want internal facing advice before anything). I know I should see a therapist, its just hard and scary to get around to, I am just so tired of being sad and feeling lonely surrounded by people