I (F26) have a chronic health condition that manifests in painful spasms. When I was first diagnosed, I trekked frequently to the emergency room, often leaving with nothing to show for it. For this reason, I now usually tend to avoid them.
Just recently, though, over the course of twenty-four hours, I was uniquely debilitated by chest pain. I tried to push it down, even joining my partner (M26) for a small get-together, but when I woke up the next day still unwell, I became increasingly worried. At one point, when I became faint, I genuinely worried I had waited too long to seek medical care, and that I was going to die for it.
Though my partner also expressed worry, I also got the sense that they weren’t keen to go to the hospital with me. (We’ve never had to cross that bridge together). He reassured me, however, that this wasn’t the case, and we pulled off together to wait it out in the ER room. Right before we walked inside, however, my partner told me something along the lines of, “Make sure you get what you need from here, or else you would have wasted our time.”
This immediately put me a bit on edge. I already felt pretty bad that I was dragging them out, and I’m well aware that ERs aren’t any fun, but I thought that we were embarking on a profound inconvenience together. I also don’t want to be comparative, but I’ve had several experiences in which past partners and close friends waited patiently for me in the ER, besides themselves with worry, not wanting to leave my side. It goes without saying that, for me, were my partner in the hospital, I’d do everything in my power to be a source of comfort.
With his words echoing in my head, once we got seated inside the ER, I quickly told my partner that he should go home and study/work/read if he felt that was what he needed to do. Long story short, he gratefully and near-readily accepted, though not before asking if that was what I really wanted from him. I told him that I felt confident that I could navigate the ER by myself, and that I knew he had several things at home he needed to take care of—all of which was true. I wasn’t sure how to communicate that what I really wanted was for him to want to be there.
TLDR: I sometimes find it hard to impose my needs upon others, especially when dealing with my chronic condition. I had spent the last day or so in pain, afraid, and disoriented after a painful spasm bout. I didn’t want to feel like I was a burden on my partner’s time by asking him to sit in the ER with me, but I nonetheless wanted someone in that moment who I could lean on without feeling the need to advocate for myself.
I don’t want to make my partner feel like I’m upset with him for something that just isn’t as intuitive to him, or for doing a thing that I wouldn’t have done. I’m the kind of person who would’ve stayed, and I most appreciate the kind of people to whom it is natural to have stayed, but I don’t know if I’m just asking for my partner to be someone that he isn’t. How can I talk to him about this?
If anyone has any insights or advice, I’d greatly appreciate it.