I (26F) have never been in a real relationship. I didn't even really try dating throughout high school or college. I've lied to all my friends about how old I was when I lost my virginity and at this point I don't even care much but I think it would be more embarrassing to admit that I've been lying this whole time. I've tried going on dates on dating apps but I've never met someone that way that I've genuinely liked. I think the nature of meeting up with someone with the sole purpose of trying to see if you want to start a romantic relationship is very off to me. I've been on bad dates and I've been on alright dates. The best case scenario is normally "okay I guess he's fine. There's nothing wrong with him and that was probably better than just sitting at home scrolling on my phone".
The only time I've actually ever liked someone was when we met in school under very abnormal circumstances, and after almost 2 years, i'm still struggling to get over him. I feel very uncomfortable with the prospect of being approached in a romantic sense. I don't think I can meet someone under that circumstance and not immediately shut down the situation in my mind. The one guy I have really liked was someone I became friends with first. I also struggle to make friends with straight guys in general. I'm very extraverted and social around women and gay guys, but I mostly ignore any man just by nature. I have avoided eye-contact with men I see regularly at the gym out of fear they might think I like them, almost like some kid who doesn't want anyone to suspect she might have a crush.
I know it sounds very woah is me, but I genuinely feel like I can't do it. I feel incapable of getting into a relationship. I know it's due to my own weird thought-patterns, but it also feels like this is gonna keep going on for a very long time. I can keep trying to go on a dates but it's truly something I have to continually force myself to do.
I know 26 isn't the craziest age to have never been in a relationship, but I can just see myself continuing on this path and going on like this for a very long time. I know there isn't anything inherently embarrassing in saying "I want to find a boyfriend" but that feels so weirdly desperate, pathetic, and embarrassing to me for some reason. I remember telling some friends in college who were talking about how they want boyfriends something along the line of "You shouldn't be doing it like that. You should only actually go out with someone if you've met someone you like, not just cause you went out looking to find anyone that will be willing". I don't think anyone at my age actually approaches dating in this way but I can't help but continue to feel this way.
I feel as though I missed out on dating the way people did in high school or college. I am absolutely not in any way considering getting married any time soon, nor am I actively looking for the man I plan on marrying. I feel that because I have never experienced being in a romantic relationship, and I would like to have someone I can spend time with and vent to and go out with and be intimate with in a monogamous way, that I would like to find someone but the prospect of actually doing that makes me incredibly uneasy.
I feel even more pathetic because as someone who isn't even trying to find someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with, I'm still struggling. I also don't know of pretty much anyone my age that has this mindset about dating which makes me think I sorta lost that opportunity by not dating in high school or college. I have a lot of friends who vehemently disagree with this mindset and I've tried to explain my point of view but I think they see it as immoral in some way.
I feel stuck and hopeless. I guess the logical outlet for me to continue would be for me to try and make more friends and hope that something comes from it, but that feels like a futile effort to me. I know I should probably just get over that feeling that being approached with the sole intent of a romantic relationship is inherently artificial and embarrassing, but I feel like I can't. My main point is that I know I'm getting in my own way but I don't really see any path forward and I realistically see myself being someone who doesn't have her first relationship until VERY late in life.