I’m F/29 and my brother M/27 is dating my longtime friend/nail tech F/29. Recently she’s been pushing to hang out a lot, but I’ve been busy house hunting every day with my partner M/37. I told both her and my brother that once the listings are done, I’ll have time.
After my last appointment, she asked again to hang out. I didn’t answer because I was swamped. Instead of dropping it, she had my brother send me an old video “to get my attention.” I ignored that too.
Within 24 hours, things spiraled. My brother called me, called my partner, and his girlfriend started messaging me directly saying she was “worried” I was missing. She even messaged one of our mutual friends (28F), asking if she knew where I was. Then she texted me asking if I “jokingly hate her.”
The mutual friend told her this is normal for me — I go ghost when I’m busy. My partner is also terrible with his phone, which my brother and his girlfriend both know. But the girlfriend still panicked, messaged my friend again 12 hours later around 8:30am asking for my location, and even said she and my brother were thinking about showing up at the house my partner and I share to “check on me.”
I finally answered a couple hours later and told them I was fine. My brother said they were “worried” because I was “missing” for 24 hours. I reminded him he’s known me for his entire life and I’ve gone “missing” many times, sometimes for days, even weeks. Everyone in my family knows this including him and doesn’t panic — my mom would have literally laughed if he told her. Hence why my mom was the one person that they didn’t contact when I speak to her the most.
What bothers me is my brother trying to spin it like everyone (including our mutual friend) was stressed, when screenshots show that friend told them clearly this is normal for me.
So — how do I handle this? To me, it feels like his girlfriend is manufacturing drama, exaggerating concern, and trying to control the narrative. But my brother is fully buying into it. Am I being gaslit here or overreacting?
TL;DR: Would I be wrong to cut them both out? This situation really triggered something within me.
12 comments
Maybe answer your messages?
“Please don’t do this again. I’ll answer your text when I have time and the mental capacity. I’m not a person who texts back within a few hours. Sometimes it’s days or weeks. No need for panic.”
This is a Dateline or 48 hours episode waiting to happen.
So the two of them were blowing up you and your partner’s phones for a whole day with no response? Honestly I see both sides here. I understand how heavy a burden it is to be available constantly, but the way I avoid it is to answer any texts or calls before winding down for bed. As a sibling, not so much a friend, I can see how alarming that would be for your brother too. If I blow up my siblings and their spouses’ phone for a while I’ll at least get a text telling me to fuck off.
More concerning to me at least is how easy you veiw cutting them off to be. You don’t suggest having a serious conversation with them about any of this, asking for space from them, you jump straight to cutting them off. I don’t know you or them but being able to just drop your sibling and bestie completely over this sounds like there might be a bigger or more ongoing issues happening.
I’m like you. My phone is a tool not my whole world. I’m not on it all the time messaging back and forth. I normally really spell it out to these people when i will be available again because i know they won’t get it.
id cut them out for abit … they need to mind their own business
Neither of them want to respect boundaries. Let your brother know you’ll see him at family functions. Let your friend know that you have a lot going on. If she’s your friend, she should already be aware of this. Let her know you didn’t appreciate her behavior and her inability to respect your space. End the friendship and let her know you’ll find a new nail tech.
All friends and family must wait 1 full season (any of the 4) ,with no contact, to report OP missing.
Time to get a new nail tech. She’s getting weird. Seeking attention from your brother.
How do you handle it? You tell them to cut it out and stop acting like overgrown toddlers. Send their text or leave a voicemail, and you’ll get back to them when you have time.
sometimes its ok to step back from ppl who cant respect ur space
I think it’s time you get a new nail tech. It’s clear she wants a different type of friendship than you do. While that’s okay, i think the kindest thing for everyone is to make your preferences clear, so they aren’t misunderstood. It is in my opinion a massive overstep to deem someone you’re not actually close with missing because they didn’t answer you in a single 24 hour period. She’s clearly unused to respecting others boundaries, so yours should get firmer until she can.