TLDR: I’ve tried getting into my husband’s kink, it’s not working, I don’t understand why it bothers me so much, and neither does he. Why can’t I just do this? Why does it make me want to unalive myself?
I’m F42, husband is M38, married 13 years. We were both raised in fairly fundamentalist religious families, him even more than me. But somehow that led to different outcomes for us as adults. I have struggled with being very inhibited in the bedroom, struggled to have orgasm, timid in trying out different things, like kink. I’ve gotten better over time, and especially lately, have been able to do more in that respect-willingly-instead of just to make my husband happy. My husband, on the other hand, developed a kink pretty early in life- mommy/baby stuff. Since we are religious, sex wasn’t something we talked about in detail before marriage, we did very cursorily in marriage counseling. But his kink didn’t come up. He once mentioned he liked diapers, but I didn’t understand what he meant. I just had no frame of reference for what he was trying to tell me.
I’ve participated in his fantasies many, many times over the years, but I can’t get into it. In fact, I feel worse and worse over time. Lately I’ve started seeing flashes of myself clawing my eyes out or putting a knife in my neck while I do this with him. I’ve never told him that because I’m afraid he won’t understand and will just think I’m being ridiculously dramatic. He sees his kink as just sharing a caring and nurturing time with him. He points out that this isn’t really dark- like him pretending to forcibly take me or something, so he doesn’t understand what my problem is. He sees my reaction to his kink as hurting his feelings. I’ve always been a people pleaser, and want to make him happy. What the fuck is wrong with me?? Why can’t I just do this? I feel broken or lame. I hate being so disappointing. I just want this pain to end. But going along with it doesn’t make it better.