What did your divorce teach you about yourself? How has it improved your next partnership/marriage
August 16, 2025
What did your divorce teach you about yourself? How has it improved your next partnership/marriage
9 comments
It taught me to listen what people tell you about themselves. Even when you think they’re “joking”, they’re not. It also taught me me that I’m stronger than I thought I was. I can go through hell, and live to tell the tale.
[removed]
I will never parent a partner ever again.
It taught me that I didn’t have good boundaries.
Now my second marriage is very boundaried and it is excellent.
It taught me to pay much closer attention to who a person is, their patterns, hints at what their behavior might become (hints of red flags.) It also taught me to be very selective about who I give my time and energy to, and to hold boundaries firmly.
I learned what an avoidant is and how they are the ones who ultimately control the relationship’s function…or lack thereof. The first hint of avoidance, I’m DONE. I’m NEVER living through that again.
If my needs aren’t being met, it’s one serious discussion, and then they either get met or I’m done. If they aren’t capable of having such a discussion, I’m done.
I’m not training anyone to be a good partner. It’s not my responsibility to manage anyone or to carry the full (or even most of the) mental and emotional load, it’s not my responsibility to dictate the relationship. I’m not teaching anyone how to be emotionally intelligent.
They are either a hell yes with an exclamation point, or it’s a hard no.
I won’t ever get married again – I’ve learned my lesson there. I love love and love being in love, and I’d like to experience that again. I know I’m a good partner and make a good life and I’m never again going to settle for anyone who isn’t bringing that kind of energy and effort to the table. I just need to make a better choice in who I choose to love.
It taught me that mental health is essential, to say no, that I no longer wanted a geek in my life, that love is not enough and that I need to be given a lot of time.
It taught me that I chose desperation over loneliness in my 20s, a dire mistake. I did not have much luck in high school and college with dating and was deeply afraid of having to go out into the world alone. Truth, I probably wouldn’t have made it. I chose the first person that showed me any interest who turned out to be a very cold, emotionally unavailable person and became a carbon copy of her abusive mother. The divorce was exceptionally hostile and the hatred remains to this day.
My current partner and I both came into the relationship 11 years ago with a lot of damage and baggage from our prior marriages. It’s been a slow process, but we are both healing together and learning how to deal with our respective demons and be better versions of ourselves. Collaborating with raising our 5 collective kids has helped that too, plus dealing with the changes of life as we hit 50 (heart attack, perimenopause, death of a parent, kids going off to college, etc.)
The key is communication, actively working to talk to one another productively to solve problems. We definitely have had our fights, some pretty nasty ones, but we make the conscious choice that we’re in this together and can make it work.
It’s not my job, nor responsibility to take care of their mental health for them.
That I am worth more than they thought and that no one deserves to be abused in any kind of way.
9 comments
It taught me to listen what people tell you about themselves. Even when you think they’re “joking”, they’re not. It also taught me me that I’m stronger than I thought I was. I can go through hell, and live to tell the tale.
[removed]
I will never parent a partner ever again.
It taught me that I didn’t have good boundaries.
Now my second marriage is very boundaried and it is excellent.
It taught me to pay much closer attention to who a person is, their patterns, hints at what their behavior might become (hints of red flags.) It also taught me to be very selective about who I give my time and energy to, and to hold boundaries firmly.
I learned what an avoidant is and how they are the ones who ultimately control the relationship’s function…or lack thereof. The first hint of avoidance, I’m DONE. I’m NEVER living through that again.
If my needs aren’t being met, it’s one serious discussion, and then they either get met or I’m done. If they aren’t capable of having such a discussion, I’m done.
I’m not training anyone to be a good partner. It’s not my responsibility to manage anyone or to carry the full (or even most of the) mental and emotional load, it’s not my responsibility to dictate the relationship. I’m not teaching anyone how to be emotionally intelligent.
They are either a hell yes with an exclamation point, or it’s a hard no.
I won’t ever get married again – I’ve learned my lesson there. I love love and love being in love, and I’d like to experience that again. I know I’m a good partner and make a good life and I’m never again going to settle for anyone who isn’t bringing that kind of energy and effort to the table. I just need to make a better choice in who I choose to love.
It taught me that mental health is essential, to say no, that I no longer wanted a geek in my life, that love is not enough and that I need to be given a lot of time.
It taught me that I chose desperation over loneliness in my 20s, a dire mistake. I did not have much luck in high school and college with dating and was deeply afraid of having to go out into the world alone. Truth, I probably wouldn’t have made it. I chose the first person that showed me any interest who turned out to be a very cold, emotionally unavailable person and became a carbon copy of her abusive mother. The divorce was exceptionally hostile and the hatred remains to this day.
My current partner and I both came into the relationship 11 years ago with a lot of damage and baggage from our prior marriages. It’s been a slow process, but we are both healing together and learning how to deal with our respective demons and be better versions of ourselves. Collaborating with raising our 5 collective kids has helped that too, plus dealing with the changes of life as we hit 50 (heart attack, perimenopause, death of a parent, kids going off to college, etc.)
The key is communication, actively working to talk to one another productively to solve problems. We definitely have had our fights, some pretty nasty ones, but we make the conscious choice that we’re in this together and can make it work.
It’s not my job, nor responsibility to take care of their mental health for them.
That I am worth more than they thought and that no one deserves to be abused in any kind of way.