Im 22F and currently have no dating experience or sexual history (besides a situationship but we only kissed, didn’t even make out). I have a lot of reasons for this. One of the main reasons is that i am really scared to partake in the online dating scene or hookup culture because i dont want to deal with assholes. I have a huge fear of regretting who I give my firsts to. Looking back on my first kiss (with the situationship guy sadly), i regret it deeply to the point where i tell myself i still haven’t had my first kiss.
Another huge reason is that i would like for my first time to be with a fellow virgin, to the point that i always joke and say i would rather die alone than lose it to someone who isn’t a virgin. Trust me, i already get told all the time by my friends that this mindset is stupid. They say i should want to lose it to someone with experience so that its a good first time, or that i’ll never find a man i like who’s still a virgin. But, idk why, I get really insecure thinking about my potential partner having previous sexual history. I think because I lack the experience, and maybe im just insecure about how my body looks, i would be worried about them comparing me to their previous partners. Things like “hm, my last girls coochie didn’t look like this” or “my first was better”😭. Even if they don’t ever say that to me directly, i would still have that fear in the back of my head.
I’m not holding out for religious reasons or anything, i think i’m just a very sentimental person and really cherish my firsts and lasts. The way i see it is, i will never forget my first time. If it’s my first time, it’s gonna be really special to me, whereas if it isn’t his first time, i feel like it won’t be as special or memorable to him. I want it to be with a fellow virgin because i want them to value sex the same way i do.
In regards to the argument that i should want to have my first time with someone experienced so that its good, i dont really care about it being technically good. I think as long as i love and trust the person, even if their technique isnt exactly perfect, it will be a good time. Plus, if we’re both virgins can’t we grow and learn together?
The problem is that i know im significantly narrowing my dating pool, especially since i’m 22 and it’s probably rare to find a good man who is still a virgin at my age. Finding someone compatible with you is already hard enough. Also, I am trying to get into professional school which takes up a lot of my time, so dating isn’t my priority right now. By the time i’m ready to open up and start dating, i might be too old to even have a dating pool if i keep these standards. I know that the dating pool will probably be like 2 men at that point, but i don’t know how i can change how i view this.
Do my feelings make sense or am i crazy?
Sorry if this sounds a bit manic😭