Last week my boyfriend told me his ex was “objectively” hotter than me. I cried and told him it hurt my feelings, but instead of backtracking, he doubled down for a whole day—going on about how I wasn’t as objectively as attractive as her. He even said that maybe, if his love for me grew, he’d possibly find me as attractive one day.
I told him it made me feel insecure around him, and he eventually apologized, saying he’d go to therapy because he tends to believe his opinions matter more than other people’s feelings.

But it’s been damaging—it’s impacted our sex life because I don’t feel attractive to him anymore, and it’s made me question our future. Would the person I’m meant to be with ever say something like this to me? I told him I need time and that I’m not sure I can move past it. Up until today, he’d been supportive about working through it.
I told my therapist about what happened, and she said it was a red flag. When I shared that with him, he got angry, saying he’s apologized enough and can’t do more.

Now I’m stuck wondering—how do I forgive and move on from something like this? I really care about him and want it to work it out and want to move past this. It’s just painful knowing he’ll never find me as physically attractive as his ex.

TL;DR: My boyfriend compared me unfavorably to his ex, saying she’s “objectively hotter” and that maybe one day he’d find me as attractive. Though he apologized and offered therapy, the comment damaged my confidence, intimacy, and trust. My therapist called it a red flag, and now I’m torn between wanting to move on with him and questioning if I can ever feel secure knowing he doesn’t find me as attractive as his ex.


34 comments

  2. Honestly? If I heard someone say something like that to me I’d tell them to run back to their ex. Sorry you had to hear that OP. The fact he values his opinions over people’s feelings signals a distinct lack of any emotional intelligence.

  3. I would continue talking to your therapist to explore why you want to make it work with someone who is very obviously a loser.

  4. You don’t forgive him and you break up with him before he totally decimates your self esteem

  5. There is a reason this guy is dating a woman so young: a woman his age has already experienced a load of idiot boyfriends and has learned to walk away when guys say things like this.

    Walk away from him and make this a learning experience

  6. He believes his opinions matter more than your feelings. So he doesn’t care if it hurts you, he’s going to say it. And if you’re hurt, go be hurt?

    This isn’t the type of man I’d want a future with. You’re 13 years older than him, however. Objectivelt, we look different in our 20s than we do when we are almost 40. And I’m saying this as a woman your age.. Date someone more mature; your own age.

    This guy isn’t it.

  7. Unfortunately you will probably always remember this. Adding more every time he says somethin shitty

  8. How do you forgive him and move on?

    You have some self worth and leave him, and find someone within your age bracket who will give you a healthy relationship.

    But (and I say this with love, because I’ve been there too) you need to do some serious work on your self esteem before getting into another relationship.

  9. There are two possible reasons he said this:

    1. He wanted you to feel bad. He wanted you to feel like you have to audition for his approval. He wanted you to feel unworthy, so that you would be too nosy wondering if you deserve him to ask yourself whether he deserves you.

    2. He lacks emotional intelligence and interest in other people’s feelings, to the level that he is not capable of being in a consistently loving and caring relationship.

  11. Please don’t settle for this shitty man. He’s so cruel! You deserve someone better.

  12. > he tends to believe his opinions matter more than other people’s feelings.

    This part gave me the ick so bad and I’m not even dating this guy

  13. You know, I don’t think I could ever fully move on. It will always be in the back of your mind. When you’re feeling insecure, when you’re being intimate. When you’re arguing. The audacity of him to say that. I wouldn’t be able to stay with someone who said that

  15. Here’s what you do:

    1. Break up with him
    2. Continue therapy to figure our why you think you deserve to be treated so poorly by your partner
    3. Heal and find a healthy loving relationship (because this isn’t it – and it’s going to get worse until you leave)

  18. I would honestly look inward on why your self respect is at a place where you think this is a loving partner. Girl what did I just read. The mental gymnastics you’re doing to make his comment less insane

  19. The question here is, do you want to give him a second chance and work things out with him. Or do you want to go your separate ways and grow more as a person?

  20. Your therapist is right. Ask yourself why you’d want to be with someone who puts you down & objectifys you. Leave that asshat & find someone better, you’ll thank yourself later.

  21. My husband has said some pretty heinous things to me that I’ve had to move past when we were in our 20s and struggling. That’s not me saying it’s ok- but people are capable of some terribly selfish shit because they’re inconsiderate and mean, but it is never a reflection on you as a person. He’s a young guy, and still thinks his shit is gold.

    You shouldn’t have to tolerate hurtful comments like that- but also, your boyfriend is someone that COULD grow and learn from this and be a better man someday. Up to you if you want to invest in this person and see their journey through. My husband is a very different man today than he was in his mid 20s when I met him. Should I have ran from the occasional thoughtless comments? Who’s to say, but it’s worked out for us, so I guess I’m saying one shitty comment shouldn’t color your entire perception of this person.

    I think we need more context about why this even came up. Were you talking about exes? Did you ask him point blank if she was?

    Again- you in no way deserved this and his need to make you feel smaller is definitely a red flag.

  22. > He even said that maybe, if his love for me grew, he’d possibly find me as attractive one day.

    Someone who loves you wouldn’t say this to you. Dump him and find someone who actually will show you the love you deserve.

  23. You’re not alone. He seems to have a hell of a selfish chip on his shoulder. He’s just from a different generation. It makes a big difference. Besides, this is an age-old issue. (No pun intended)

    In the past, when dating younger men, they had some preconceived notions about me/older women.
    1. That I would take their crap to keep a younger man in my bed.
    2. That I would fund their lifestyle.
    3. I should just be happy he noticed/was dating me.

    Needless to say, I don’t date younger men anymore. Yes, this is a generalization. But damn, it sucked ass.
    Now, Homie don’t play that game. (Name that TV series).

  26. This guy actually told you that “maybe, if his love for me grew” he’d find you as hot as his ex? And he told you his opinions matter more than other people’s feelings? If a guy ever said this stuff to me, it would be over on the spot.

    Yeah, toss this one back. What a jerk.

  27. If you start with move on, as in dump his stupid ass and, move on with your glow up. If you want, whenever you want go ahead and get a man who treats people right. If you start with move on you can take your sweet time with forgiveness.

  28. Run, don’t walk, away from this man! Quit wasting your time when you could be finding someone that makes you feel special and would never deliberately hurt you. He is a malignant narcissist IMHO. He got off on his power to make you feel insecure. Don’t give him anymore power and quit obsessing about the ex (I know you are, and I get it!). But please take care of yourself.

    The worst part is that he doubled down and then got angry when confronted, indirectly, by other people. You would never want him hurting, but he didnt care that he hurt you. Even if what he said was true (which I doubt), there was NO NEED to say it! The fact that he knew this would devastate you, he said it anyway…and hell yes it is going to affect you sexually, mentally, etc. Please continue therapy and leave this POS. Sorry, but he is. Please post what his face looked like and what he says when you tell him you are moving on. Trust me, if he treats you this way when you are dating, can you imagine if you got married? Please girlfriend, run. Praying for you!!

  29. I’m curious why you told him about your therapist’s “red flag” comment. What did you hope to accomplish?

    You are not going to change him. This is who he is, and he’s not going to have some big epiphany and suddenly metamorphose into a kind, considerate, generous-hearted man.

    So whether you “forgive him and move on” or not, is up to you, but there are no magic words to turn this frog into your prince.

  30. first of all, i know this is hard to go through, believe me I 100% understand the want, and what you *currently* feel like is also a “need”, to work things out because you love him. i truly get it. but rose colored lenses are real. relationship blindness and naivety is REAL. and if you are truly struggling to forget about this and want to make it work- please keep reading. you need someone to be brutally honest with you and stop sugar coating. i’m sorry, but you SHOULD NOT try to move on from this and try to stay, because things WILL NOT get better. this is the kind of damage you don’t forget about no matter how hard you try. you will grow insecurities and resentment. someone who loves you would NEVER say something like that to you. please have some self love and forget about him. move on. you do NOT deserve to be spoken to nor made to feel that way. you WILL find someone better – even if that is not what you want at this moment. there are millions and millions of other guys (or girls) on this earth. so many possibilities. so many more beautiful things to see and to feel and to experience. not just with romance, but in life. and i PROMISE that if you prioritize yourself and focus on living the life you want to live and accept nothing less than the love you DESERVE, you will wake up one day and feel silly for even wanting to stay. you will look back and feel ✨nothing✨for him or this experience one day and you WILL be even happier than you can imagine with someone else. I hate seeing people be treated this way and will always beg people to leave when they are somewhere they are clearly not wanted because this world is just too big to settle for anything other than genuine love and happiness. love can be so beautiful, please do not stay with this guy.

  31. I’m guessing he meant “conventionally” rather than “objectively”, because what a person finds attractive is *subjective,* but there are *conventional* beauty standards.

    Regardless, how did this even get brought up? What was the conversation about that led up to this? Why did he decide to say this to you? Did you ask, did he say this without being prompted, were you talking about beauty standards? There are so many unanswered questions that would be relevant to the story. We don’t know the context…

    **However,** what the fuck? Why would he say that, see you’re upset, and *double down?!* Why did he see that as necessary? What is the fucking point he’s trying to make? You have every right to be upset; I would be too! He could have said something like, “she’s conventionally attractive, but I’m not attracted to her. I am attracted to you” or something along those lines…. Maybe followed by calling you beautiful or something. Regardless, that was unkind of him to do. I’m sure you’re beautiful!

  33. Why didn’t you break up with the AH immediately. He’s not the guy you want to be with.

    His 38f left his butt and he’s torturing you why? Tell him to go back to her and you’ll find someone who appreciates , not disrespects you.

    Seriously you deserve better. He doesn’t respect you, why in the world would you put up with his crap?

    Sorry, but he’s not right in the head and staying with someone like that will make anyone question thier sanity.

    Updateme

  34. Tell him to back to his ex then and you’re going to spend your time looking for someone who’s not an ass.

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