Reddit, I need help
I 39-M have been married for over a decade. I love my life, my wife 45-F, and my daughter is everything to me. My family is usually seen by others as this model of a perfect happy family. We don't have big drama, we are understanding and financially stable (not rich, but no rent or mortgage and life is easy).
There is one big problem tho. My wife has no libido. Since my daughter was born, she hasn't really tried to be sexually active. I have communicated to her how I feel neglected and starved multiple times, but I am kind and obviously would never force or blackmail her into doing something she does not want.
I have tried changing my behaviour, being romantic, being distant, going to the gym to look nicer….Nothing works and in the past 6 years we had sex…twice 😔 She says she understands how I feel and will try, but ultimately it never happens. If I initiate I am always rejected, which pushes me further down this rejection hole.
Years of sexual frustration pushed me to try to find new ways to enjoy life. I found a hobby I love, built a community around it and we all geek out. As the person who built this large community of literally dozens of people, I ended up making lots of friends and I am living a life that honestly feel like the happiest ever. As someone who was always an outcast during adolescent years, I feel like my young persona is now vindicated.
But this happiness is having a cost on my mental health. One of the lovely relationships I built in my group is a woman 37-F, who is also happily married, but we really enjoy each other's company. We practice the hobby together, but also chat online and share intimate stories. As a demisexual, this ended up hitting very unexpectedly.
I was not attracted to her upfront, but now… She is all I can think about! I am struggling to hide these feelings and I don't know how to proceed. Abruptly stopping the friendship to avoid these feelings will be impossible, since we are part of the same social circle. If I leave the entire social circle, I will be back to the sexual frustration I had before. Exposing these feelings is absolutely not a choice. I don't wanna end my marriage and honestly I don't even think these feelings are mutual. I know she has her marriage issues, but she is a woman with a lot of confidence and personality so if she did not love him I know she would not be with him (they do not have kids).
It is important to note how I always made sure to remind her of how beautiful she looks and have never made any negative comments towards her body. I know having kids changes a woman's body and, despite me always flattering her, she has terrible self image (fuck the beauty industry).
I do need to emphasize that I have spoken to my wife countless times in the past about the lack of sexual connection, and it is now to the point that if I bring it up again it will make me feel like I am begging and that will destroy my own sexual persona – as I do like to feel like I am loved and attractive. I don't have the need for pity sex which is why I have never been able to fix this problem with prostitution.
My mind is sending me to a place I cannot rationalize and the more I think about it, the more I fall in love with this woman.
I need advice on how to deal with this feeling.
TL;DR – I have been sexually neglected for too long and the feeling of rejection is pushing my feelings of love towards someone else.