For context, my girlfriend (30F) and I (32M) have be together for 5 years. We are coming from different country and I do not speak much her language. Her parents have an ok-ish english, which makes interaction between me and them possible but not totally fluent.
A recurrent problem I have is that I feel like her relationship with her parents is often pretty weird to me. I feel like she turns into a child when they are around, and it's impossible to discuss this aspects with her without getting her mad.
I would greatly appreciate if someone had to deal with a similar situation and could guide me a bit.
Here are a few typical behavior that bothers me:
[ ] When we are all together, she makes not effort to initiate topic we could all discuss, and when I try to find topics to discuss with her parents, she usually doesn't really participate to the discussion, interrupt to make fun of what someone says, or even intervene to say this given topic is not interesting, instead of talking about something else.
[ ] Everytime we are with them, they is no really discussion about what we do, there is a plan her parents decided, and didn't involved my opinion, and we have to follow like kids.
[ ] She calls them almost everyday, in particular her mother, and if they don't answer the moment she calls she gets seriously angry at them. It looks like they are supposed to be constantly available for her.
[ ] Most interaction she has with them feels to me like she is a teenager. She express in very basic manners, and I have the impression she does not see the situation as her being an adult with other adults.
Overall, I feel like she had never this transition to "I'm an adult" when with her parents. Maybe I'm overreacting about all that, but the main issue I have here is that I find all that rather uncomfortable. Most importantly, I usually don't manage to communicate it with her. My question is: how to navigate this, and how to make her see what's going on?
TL;DR: my girlfriend behaves like a with her parents, I'm not confortable with it, and I don't know how to approach it.
4 comments
maybe it’s just how she’s always been with them but yeah that can get frustrating
Family dynamics are often complex. They are bringing 30 years of history with their relationships compared to you knowing her for 5.
I think the best time to try to have a conversation about it is when you are alone at home with her, completely separate from them or any visits. I might begin the conversation from a place of curiosity, asking her what it was like growing up in their home, what their expectations were of her, etc. It may help provide some clarity as to why they have the relationship they do and it is far less accusatory and combative than telling her you dislike everything that is happening.
You need to learn how to communicate clear personal boundaries. DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) can help interpersonal relationship management – which is what I recommend for you. I’ll give you an example though:
express to her very clearly why her behavior makes *you* uncomfortable, focus very specifically on the effect it has on you. “I feel disrespected and don’t have fun when your parents don’t include us in their plans when we all hang out”
Hopefully this will be the beginning of a productive conversation. If however, she doesn’t respond productively or gets defensive and *never revisits the conversation*, then the next step is to set a boundary.
“I don’t want to hang out with you and your parents anymore because I feel infantilized when we do.”
I don’t think your relationship is necessarily in trouble or anything, by showing your GF how to maturely and respectfully attend to your own needs in this situation, she may eventually learn how to attend to her own in her relationship with her parents as well. This may be a good opportunity for you as a loving partner to help her grow too in ways she was never consciously open to before.
Reverting to our childhood tendencies is *extremely* common when dealing with parents, almost nobody is their best self around their childhood family lol. Be patient with her, while firmly standing up for your own desires.
The south asian umbilical cord can never be cut. I am from anotehr part of Asia but even I raise my eyebrows at 40+ woman who let her parents patronize her whenever they visit her in Europe, even though she has been living on her own for more than 10 years.
Deal with it or get a new girlfriend.