I (24F) have been married to my husband(27M) for two years, together for four. Recently I wanted to spice things up so I asked him if he had any sexual fantasies, he was a bit hesitant at first but I reassured him I wouldn’t judge him and worst comes to worst it would just be something I’m not interested in and we could keep the status quo. He opened up and I found out he had a lot of sexual kinks I never knew about. Some of them really took me by surprise but I did my best to be open and receptive to them. I decided to do some research on them myself and then for our anniversary after we had a romantic dinner and exchanged gifts I let him know I had one more gift for him and to meet me in the bedroom in a few minutes. I changed into a sexy outfit and included some props I felt fit his fantasies. He obviously enjoyed seeing me like that and got even more excited when I told him what my plans were for the night. I thought everything went great, not all of the things we did were super pleasurable for me, but I really enjoyed seeing how into it he was and I definitely saw a new side of him in the bedroom that I did enjoy.
Since then he has been very distant with me and started acting weird. He was yelling more which is not like him, snapping at me for little things, and he was just looking at me differently. I was concerned so we had a sit down and I asked him to be completely open with me about what was bothering him. I had to coax it out of him but finally he told me that after the things I did and the things I let him do to me on our anniversary he has lost a lot of respect for me and every time he looks at me now he can’t help but find me disgusting. I was obviously hurt and he told me he knew it was irrational and that I did it for him, but at the same time seeing me like that and seeing how willing I was made him feel like was a slut and not the type of person he would want to raise his children. He has been trying to get over it but he can’t really ignore that fact that what we did made him see me as less, as someone who doesn’t deserve respect and that a respectable woman wouldn’t have let those things happen in the bedroom. I asked him if he had talked to anyone about what happened and if they put doubts in his head but he said he hadn’t talked to anyone about it and wouldn’t because he knew that anyone would feel the same way he did if he told them and didn’t want to get judged for marrying me. I cried a lot and after a while he just left to stay with his parents and hasn’t come back.
I’m heartbroken after hearing him talk about me like that, I feel like I’m being blamed for something I did for him. I will admit that some of the things involved are degrading by nature but I felt safe doing them with him because I trusted him. I texted him telling him that I love him and this is something we need to talk through and he agreed to meet me in few days but he still needs time to process his feelings alone. I need to know how I can talk him through things? And if things don’t improve I need to get ready to leave which won’t be easy, we are very enmeshed and I’m not completely financially independent from him. I work because I didn’t want to be completely helpless if he left, but we recently had some expenses that ended up draining both our finances so a divorce isn’t something either of us can afford easily. I’m also worried that he might end up telling people what happened if we do divorce, we live in a pretty religious area and I know that I will be judged harshly if people find out what happened and it would suck to have to move and lose my support system on top of losing my partner.
32 comments
So you made his fantasies come true and he regrets it? That sounds like his problem, not yours. He needs therapy to work on why he feels shame for his sexual fantasies.
That’s unfair of him since he was the one who wanted to do those acts in the first place, remember he was a willing participant in those acts to. Suggest couples therapy to him to see if that can rebuild his feelings for you.
Oh my god. I am so sorry. Please take some time to think about if this is someone that you even want in your life. I can imagine the hurt you’re going through and I really feel for you about it. You opened yourself up sexually for someone and I think it’s so odd that he is judging YOU for acting out HIS fantasies. Just think about that for a moment.
This seems like a cruel setup. Sorry this happened to you.
What a weird man. By any chance, is he religious or brought up in religion?
you can tell him”This whole operation was your idea”
Why are you focusing on his feelings towards you? How about your feelings towards your husband after he did those things to you? You need to look at it from the other perspective. Your husband gets off on doing degrading things towards women. You said it yourself “a few things I didn’t find pleasurable” yet he kept going. You know when your partner is not enjoying something in bed and yet he kept on doing those things because he enjoyed them. So ask yourself “do I want to be married to a man that gets off on those things and then degrades me for indulging his own fantasy that he wanted?”? It sounds to me that he not only enjoys degrading in the bedroom but he also likes to do it in everyday life.
You need to flip the script. Go to him and say “I lost a lot of respect for you knowing that you were getting off to doing those things to me, and that if it weren’t to me you’d be getting off to doing those things to other women”.
Your husband is an idiot. His mentality is very ignorant as well.
What a jerk, honestly..
Just to let you know, you did the best thing any wife/partner could do.
Its not on you.
Unfortunately this is a very common scenario.
Right now you’re focused on his needs, but you have to ask yourself if you’ll truly be able to move on from this if he’s able to get over it.
He wanted these fantasies and is now judging you for them. Whatever his repressed sexual hang ups are, hes sl*t shaming you and questioning your suitability to be a mother to his children. Personally I wouldn’t be able to move past that, even if he apologises and tries to make things right. The trust would be irrevocably broken for me.
Don’t just focus on him, consider yourself in all of this as being enmeshed means your codependency results in an inability to think for yourself and put your needs first. It can’t always just be about him.
You are being blamed, but it’s not your fault. He’s the issue; His behavior is very much the issue.
You don’t need advice on what to say because you’ve already said it. He needs advice on how to get his head out of his ass. To respect his wife, and you, as a person.
If he does say something then it is possible there could be some blowback on you because the society we live in, for the most part, caters to men at the expense of women. Once again, however, it’s not your fault.
If this continues on the same trajectory with his behavior, your mental health will begin to erode more, and not all trauma can be forgotten. One quote I’ll always remember is, “a person can forgive, but they’ll never forget how you made them feel.” You know what I mean?
Your husband is a massive loser.
You did nothing wrong.
This is a “him” problem. He needs therapy.
I wonder if it is BECAUSE you were willing and trusting during that experience (which should be a green flag) that he didnt enjoy the aftermath.
Maybe he’s one of those men who need to “take” instead of having it gifted?
Either way, hes not a very good dom if he is being this self absorbed about experiencing something with his partner that was 100% consensual.
Why did he not stop after the first time he did whatever made him feel this way? He chose to continue to do it. That was his decision. If his fantasy ended up not being what he expected that is fine but why continue and build up this resentment?? You were doing him a favor. And as you said it wasn’t even really something pleasurable for you. Maybe explain that to him. Let him know you didn’t really enjoy it and was just trying to make him happy. That might help him not see you in this way he does now.
But to be completely honest, if my husband ever said that he gets disgusted every time he looks at me I would consider things over. And he is acting like a child by still holding one sexual experience over your head like this.
That’s tough. But you are only 24 so I promise you, you have plenty of time to reinvent yourself and get your life together without this absolute loser of a husband. Don’t waste another second of your life on him.
Did what he wanted and enjoyed, now he regrets it and blames you? Nah, he is broken, send him for repairs (a therapist) or return him to store (divorce him)
Leave him, he’s a big asshole.
So he’s just conveniently forgetting that he participated too? If doing those things made him feel like you weren’t worthy of respect and deserved disgust, what exactly does he think of men who do those things to women? How is he somehow safe from that judgement?
If he’s worried about whether you can raise children because of it, how can he think a man who participates/treats a woman that way can raise them?
He either needs to judge you both from the same vantage (which his judgement is stupid because it was **his** fantasy) or understand that it was a two person act and everything he feels about you, he would have to logically think of himself too.
I don’t know how you could ever have sex with him again, knowing he’s judging you like that…
Edit – wrong sub, judgment for the OP removed
honestly sounds like he is ashamed of himself and his fantasies. Now that you did some of them he is projecting his own shame onto you. he needs help. This is not on you.
This is completely, 100% a him problem. You did *nothing wrong* (except perhaps in loving and trusting a man who clearly has some deep seated shame/issues about sex).
This absolutely sucks, it’s totally unfair – but if he can’t get past it, then honestly you’ve dodged a bullet.
*You did nothing wrong*.
It is heart breaking, and cruel. But honestly, feel the feelings you need to, get a lawyer, and divorce him. He showed you who he really is and you need to believe him. He’s saying he can’t respect you now. Do you think he’s going to respect you more later, maybe if you try harder to make it up to him? No. If he’s yelling at you at all, judging you, being a hypocrite….he doesn’t love you. He’s not the one. It’s hard I know but at least there aren’t kids. Make a plan with your family and a good attorney and file for divorce before he does. Depending on the state you’re in, as assets get divided, the judge might consider this factor in giving you a fair share. Of course take your lawyers advice
He has shame about what HE did to you, but he’s blaming you for it and taking out the shame on you. There must be something behind this that he needs therapy for, but if I were you, I wouldn’t be able to look past the fact that he is shifting his shame onto you.
Please don’t apologize to him, or take any blame about this. He truly needs therapy and I saw your comment about how he went as a child and feels betrayed because the therapist told his parents what he said in therapy…he is a grown man, and HIPAA laws exist in the US (if you’re here).
He needs to work through this for his own benefit, and you should also seek therapy on your own so that you don’t end up feeling any guilt.
Y’all seriously need to stop enabling these porn addicts. These men don’t even KNOW what they like anymore.
He called you disgusting for doing things you didn’t want to do for his pleasure.
Two lessons: This man doesn’t love you. Don’t do things you don’t want to do.
If whatever you did makes you so shameful that he can’t see you being the mother to his children, then tell him that fantasizing about those things makes him a big red flag to be the father of your children🤷🏻♀️
Honestly, him saying those things to you would be a dealbreaker for me. It would be the end of the relationship with no return since the trust was broken and a partner should respect you no matter what, and he has no reason to find you disgusting for something he asked for.
Stop grovelling.
Hold your head up high. Get your self respect back. You did nothing wrong. If he mentions is again don’t get upset, instead say in a brief voice, something like, ‘Oh honestly. These were all your ideas. You need to get over it. I’m so done with it’
Leave him to work out that you’re going to move on if he doesn’t get his arse into gear.
In the meantime go out with friends. Book a trip away for a few days even if you go alone. Go to the gym. Take up a hobby. Don’t be always available to him. Miss some of his calls. Don’t call him ever. Don’t rush to text him back. Don’t text him first.
Go and see a divorce lawyer, just in case, so that you are steps ahead of him. If you have a joint account take your half now.
The only way he will sort himself out is if he misses you and believes he might lose you.
You did nothing wrong. Stop apologizing and get angry. He was perfectly fine engaging in those acts and then turns it around on you. This is a him problem. Please stand up for yourself and stop minimizing your feelings. If I were you I would never be able to trust him again.
What the hell is wrong with him? I’m so curious what it was
Flip the script on him. You let him degrade you. Fine. You could now see him as a POS who got off on degrading his wife. How would he feel then? These were HIS kinks. HIS fantasies. All of this came from HIS desires. He can hate himself and be disgusted all he wants (which is really what’s going on here but he doesn’t know it), but it’s aimed at the wrong person here.
Unfortunately a lot of Misogynistic men are like this, they don’t see women as whole people with many sides to them, like they see other men. They see women as NPC’s who play a specific role and that role provides a specific service. You were “good girl” and “future mother” – good girls are supposed to *provide* sex, but not *enjoy* it.
Only bad girls enjoy sex, bad girls are not life-partners, they’re for using for sex only. Misogynists look down on both good and bad girls, but while they see good girls as simply “service providers”, they see bad girls as disgusting and deserving of use & abuse.
Good girls keep your home, have & raise your children, and are grateful for your leadership and provision. A good girl will provide sex, but she’s a little shy about it & won’t enjoy it *too* much. They don’t want sex, they give it to you.
Bad girls are for intense, throw-away, meaningless sex. They are basically flashlights. No misogynistic man would consider a woman who enjoys sex and who takes any kind of lead in sex as a Wife or Mother, bad girls are disposable.
As soon as he saw you actively enjoying and taking a lead in sex, the switch in his brain flicked and you became a “bad girl” – unfortunately once this switch is flicked, it is VERY hard to turn off.
He would need to commit to pretty intensive therapy on his own with a Sex Therapist – sex therapists don’t teach you how to have sex, they dig into the deep stuff that prevents you having from having a healthy relationship with sex. Which he doesn’t, not with himself or you (& women in general).
The way you should handle this is to simply tell him that you don’t want to divorce him because you love him, but you also cannot stay with someone who doesn’t see you as a person worthy of respect simply because of sex. And unless he commits to non-religious therapy, the relationship is over.
This is NOT something that you did wrong that you need to make up for – this is ALL on him. He’s the one in the wrong here.
And by the way I read your post to my husband and he got quite upset about how your husband behaved and has been ranting at me for the last 30 minutes about how awful it is. So your husband is also 1000% wrong that “anyone would feel the same as him” – only misogynists’ feel like him.
Good luck, I’ll be honest, I don’t think he’s going to be able change. Men like him rarely do.