After reading here for a couple of weeks I have the impression that it is common sense here that asking someone out and going on dates are inevitable steps on a way to romance. Yet they are also the steps in which many people are struggling. So I want to bring in an alternative approach, that lead me to success.
I (48m) have not been single for one day since my mid 20s. Before I was struggling but since then I had a couple of relationships, several flings some situationships and some short term fun. But I did not go on even a single date and have literally never asked someone out. Not even once.
Instead I always escalated things step by step. I got to know women always in the context of a community. So topics for talking were never an issue. Furthermore I usually had a good standing in the community. That brought me self confidence and the approval by the community. That way I got in contact with lovable, interesting women easily.
What do I mean by escalating things step by step. When I got to know an interesting attractive woman I would talk to her and seek her proximity and then see how she reacts. Does she also seek my proximity or does she seem not interested. If she seemed interested after a decent amount of time keeping the level of connection I would touch her briefly and see if she touches me back. Then again I would give it some time of keeping the connection at level and then hug her and see how she takes the hug. Other escalation steps are gently reaching for her hand and see if she reaches back, giving her a massage when she is standing in front of me at a concert and see how she reacts. Always escalate one step on the ladder to romance, see if she follows and then stay on the next step for some time before escalating to the next. If she does not follow a step, I just stayed on the step where she was, and kept things going. Sometimes she would escalate, sometimes we remained on the level and enjoyed never the less.
Every time I arrived at a community event, there were a bunch of women who would express her joy to see me, they would hug me and talk to me with a big smile on their face. A very good signal to women who did not know me yet.
The outcomes of these escalations were quite varying. Sometimes I ended up in a serious relationships, some fizzled out in the "How are you?" level. One thing all of these have in common. I enjoyed them. There was not even one that I perceived as failure.
And that's what's the main difference to asking someone out. The ladder to romance is quite high and its upper part is in the clouds. So it's not clear where it will lead you and how high you would like to climb with a person. Asking someone out or even asking for someone's number is like asking "Would you like to climb the ladder with me and see how high we will get?" That puts pressure on the other person because climbing the ladder all the way to the top is quite an endeavor. So chances are that they reluctantly reject out of insecurity. And for the one who asked the rejection feels like falling from a high step one was hoping to reach.
In contrast to that, the idea escalating just one step is more appealing for the other person. It's only one tiny step after all, no expectations attached.
To me the approach of escalating step by step is way more enjoyable. Hardly any expectations that are disappointed, I got to know many amazing people. Found the love of my life. And I completely came around wasting time and energy for swiping, awkward small talk, planning dates, getting ghosted. I have not saved a lot of money, though. The money other people spend on dates I spent on traveling. Traveling to places where I met amazing people.
Alright. It took me like 10 minutes to write this, maybe 15, have not measured. Maybe it is useful or inspiring for somebody.
Thanks for reading.