Me (F18) and my boyfriend (M19) have been dating for over 3 years. He’s my first boyfriend, and we are both each other’s first EVERYTHING. I love him and I don’t doubt for a second that he doesn’t love me. Where the problems start is he’s very protective. Some may consider it to be controlling. It’s difficult for me to draw that line, because I’m not sure if he really is being controlling or if I’m crossing his boundaries. Some examples is he complains and gave me shit for going on a family vacation for spring break (April). Saying I go on too many (I was just on a cruise in January and in Mexico back in September). When I was packing for said vacation I had bought a pair of white linen pants and he about had a melt down because they were “see through” which they weren’t unless I were to wear a pair of black underwear or a dark bathing suit. He also made a comment to me about wearing a mesh bathing suit cover up saying “why call it a cover up if it covers nothing” I ended up not bringing either of those pieces of clothing. I can’t wear crop tops unless I’m wearing them around him. Another thing is when I go to the gym I can’t go alone, and I cannot wear spandex shorts. At times I think to myself that maybe I’m being unreasonable because all relationships are different and this is just how mine is but other times I feel like he’s the one being unreasonable. Just last week I told him I was going on a hike with my two girlfriends, he responded with, “you’re always hangout with your friends.” He also told me that he feels as if I spend more time with my friends than I do with him. Mind you I see him every weekend for the whole weekend (Friday night-Sunday night). We live almost an hour away from each other. He has a full time job, and I work Tuesday-Friday and am about to start college in the fall. We’ve talked about getting married, moving in together, having a family together in the future. He’s very helpful with money and pays for anything I ask for him to. I enjoy spending time with him, but I just feel confused. I’ve tried explaining this all to him and he’s either very apologetic and says he will change and does for about a day then goes back to his original habits or says that I’m always mad at him and he’s not a bad guy.
Another problem we have a hard time finding a solution for is how different we want to time things. He wants to move in together asap, like now and get engaged. I would like to wait for when I’m finished with my program (fall of 2028) to move in together. I also want to LIVE with him before we are engaged or married. There are things that I want to accomplish and complete before these big steps and he wants to do everything ASAP.
When I think about us not being together it scares me because of how long we’ve been together and how comfortable I am with him. Also, if you’re going to respond with “if you’re questioning weather or not you guys should be together you already have the answer to your question” please don’t comment at all, because I really wish it was that easy. I apologize for this whole thing for being messy and unorganized, I’m currently writing it on my lunch hour at work. Thank you for your time!
TL;DR
I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years, and we're each other's first everything. He's very protective, which sometimes feels controlling. For example, he gets upset about my family vacations and certain clothes I wear, like linen pants or crop tops. I can't go to the gym alone or wear spandex shorts. He also thinks I spend too much time with my friends, even though we spend weekends together.
We also disagree on timing. He wants to move in together and get engaged ASAP, but I want to wait until I finish college in 2028 and live together before getting engaged. When I try to talk to him about these issues, he either apologizes briefly or says I'm always mad at him. The thought of breaking up scares me because we've been together so long.
27 comments
Look up Sunk Cost Fallacy. Don’t continue making a bad choice just because you’ve spent a long time making it.
From this side he seems very controlling, and that is not what you want in a partner. You are seeing the red flags, trust them.
He is not protective he is out right controlling, and it will only get worse. Stick to your guns about not moving in together until after you are done with college. See what happens in those years if you end up staying with him. Do not let him rush you on anything.
I do worry for you, because this is how abuse starts. The remarks about and controlling clothing, not wanting you to do things with friends and family, not “letting” you do things like going to the gym alone, and rushing you into marraige are all markers for future physical and psychological abuse. I say this as a licensed school counselor who has worked with teens who are experiencing dating violence. You need to read, “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. It will be eye opening for you.
This is not normal. I know it feels like a lot because he’s your first everything, but that does not mean this has to be your life. If you were to live with him, he would get more controlling and abusive.
Just because you’ve been together a lot time does not mean you should stay together. It’s normal and healthy to do a lot of growing at that age, and sometimes that means growing apart.
I stopped at the clothing rules. This guy is a controlling asshole, and you should dump him. Now. Or better yet, yesterday.
I had an overprotective boyfriend. I felt that we loved each other deeply. Eventually, I wasn’t allowed to see my family, he ruined my relationships with others, I couldn’t have my own bank account, couldn’t drive, plan my own future or have autonomy over my own body. Fast forward, we are divorced with two young children who depend completely on me and he is over 10k in child support debt because of pride and ego.
The mom in me says this:
You are young and seem very intelligent. You have a bright future ahead. Don’t let a relationship with a man hold you back. Keep moving forward. There are people out there who you have never met who will worship you and make you feel on top of the world and you will never miss the person you were with before.
The lover in me says this:
love and not just love but this person is very important to you. Fight for this relationship, use this time as an opportunity for both of your personal growth and development. He is obviously having insecurities as you are both each other’s first everything, there are bound to be anxieties and unknowns.. so to show some understanding of his perspective, how he’s acting does make sense to me—not saying it’s right of him to act this way towards you but it makes sense.
Hire a good and reputable couples therapist together. if he wants marriage and a life together, tell him you want to deepen your connection and understanding of each other first. Working together with a professional is a game changer for dating couples I don’t care what anyone else says (especially when you’re young and “inexperienced”.)
Love is imperfect but always worth it.
Be assertive with what you want and value because it’s BOTH of your futures, not just his.
Dream together and don’t be afraid to dream big.
Don’t stop hanging out with your friends and encourage him to hang out with his or go do social activities because his brain will atrophy if he doesn’t, and you care about him so he’d better listen.
Relationships are built on trust at the end of the day and if you can’t wear what you would normally wear then he’s not showing that trust in you.
I could go on but from what I gather you are fighting for this relationship to work and my biggest piece of advice is this get a couples therapist and potentially even read this post during one of your sessions. Plain and honest.
Good luck, my friend 💜
Please don’t waste your formative years tied down to some controlling dude you started dating when you were both kids. Leave this person behind and go enjoy your youth. You need to be exploring and having fun while focusing on your education and growth. If you’re going to be dating at your age, it needs to be fun, carefree and with someone who supports you and lifts you up instead of trying to drag you down, control you and force you into life commitment you’re nowhere near ready for.
Edited to add: also I’m afraid his behavior will get much worse once you start college. Mark my words.
Fuck that noise. You’re not 12 and he’s not your dad.
Don’t let any boy tell you how to dress or try to control what you do. If they don’t care for your choices, they can find someone more compatible.
This is controlling and you are enabling it by saying ok. The longer you stay the worse it’s going to get.
In a healthy relationship he would trust you to wear what you want and encourage you to spend time with friends/ enjoy travels with your family.
Think about what you want from your life because at the moment you are living in the cage he has created for you but because you haven’t experienced something else it’s difficult to see it.
I’m a little older than you but unfortunately I was too blind to see this at your age… I think from your post you already know his behavior isn’t ok. Don’t be scared to start again. Life is short we only get one shot… somewhere will be someone who wants to see you grow
This is NOT a healthy relationship. You haven’t spent that much time with him given your age. If you stay with such a controlling guy I can almost guarantee you will be back in ten years, three kids and you’re not allowed to leave the house without him. Friends will be long gone.
Please please please want more for yourself. He wants to move in together asap because he knows when you go to college things are likely to change.
He’s not protective he’s controlling. Its that simple. Get rid and go live your life, achieve all you want cos the second you marry this fool he’ll make you quit school cos there might be boys that fancy you there(!)
Yeah, no, that’s not protective, that’s controlling. Telling you what you can and can’t wear, where you can’t go, whom you can see, how you spend your time, it’s all controlling. Those are not boundaries – that term has become so misused that it’s just about lost its meaning. Boundaries are for you, not another person. If he’s telling you what to do, that’s control.
He wants to move in, get engaged, combine your finances so he can lock you down even further. So you become even more dependent on him. So it’s even harder for you to leave. Your timeline is more than reasonable – you’re so young and there’s no rush to move in or settle down so quickly. He wants to tie you down – it’s a tale as old as time. Don’t let him.
Controlling your clothing and socializing are early signs of abuse. My ex-husband did this and it just got worse until it escalated into physical violence and suicide threats in front of our children. Please read Why Does He Do That? It helped me realize what was happening and gain the strength to leave.
Protectiveness is a good quality. This guy is controlling. It sounds toxic to me. A lot of men feel a little bit of insecurity or jealousy if their girl is looking sexy and drawing looks from other guys. But telling you what to wear and what not to wear is crossing a line and unhealthy. Adults deal mostly deal with these feelings inside and don’t express them and stress out their significant other.
I married my 8th grade boyfriend. We just celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary (20+ knowing each other).
I feel like I know a little bit about how you’re feeling right now.
Absolutely nothing about this is okay or normal. Go to college and leave him behind. Don’t waste any more time on this guy. He’s rushing you because he knows he’s about to lose you to the real world and better fish in the sea.
He wants to do everything asap because he wants to be able to control you more. I’m sorry, but he is controlling to a concerning degree.
Yes. This is controlling. You are 18. Enjoy FAMILY vacations while you can.
And you want to wait until you’re done with your education to get engaged and move in. Pushing for things to progress quickly is him trying to “lock you down”. That is creepy. And I actually wonder if he’d baby trap you to mess up your education?
What future plans does he have outside of you?
Like others said, this is not normal nor reasonable, and it is controlling. Think about it- why would a partner complain about you hanging out with your friends? This is a common controlling/abuse tactic, to isolate their partner from their friends by making them feel ashamed to be around them or make plans with them. Also, if YOU are comfortable wearing something, that should be the end of it. A partner shouldn’t act like they get the final say on clothing, that’s not how boundaries work. Boundaries are things you choose for yourself, not someone else.
This may be because he’s young and inexperienced in relationships and oftentimes men think doing these kinds of things keeps a woman loyal (but they don’t). Either he trusts you or he doesn’t and you wearing or not wearing a crop top doesn’t change how you act. And if he’s saying that wearing revealing clothing is “asking for it/attention” that’s the oldest excuse in the book. Either he believes women should have autonomy, or he doesn’t. And you will have a much more fulfilling and mature relationship if you are with someone who thinks women deserve full autonomy always.
This is not normal or healthy. In short, your bf is a douche bag. It doesn’t feel right to you, because it isn’t right. I wouldn’t waste anymore time on this relationship.
Girl you need to break up with this man immediately. His controlling nature is dangerous and I promise you with everything he will get MUCH WORSE if you marry him.
How do I know? Because I married a man like that and spent the next ten years being absolutely f’ing miserable. He got worse, violent, a raging alcoholic, and at times I wanted to unalive myself. I managed to get out ten years later, but it took multiple attempts, calls to the police, and a restraining order. Then it took years of therapy to undo the damage.
He is absolutely controlling. You just don’t kno any different.
He has a lot of growing up to do. He needs lessons in critical thinking. Does he just parrot these ideas about clothing, spending time with friends and family. Like the family stuff and friend stuff I would draw a line on. These should be your boundaries. I am going to do xyz. Family and friends time and following your own timeline. He’s not ready for a commitment like being married or moving in together. Those relationships especially started at a young age will not last without a level of maturity. Realising that your partner is not solely responsible for your happiness is mature. Realising people need family and friends is mature. What the hell would you talk about if you never had outside input or experience. Do not get pregnant to this man. Make certain that you are totally on top of and have complete control of Birth control. Men like this baby trap women like you on the regular.
Controlling. Move along.
Repeat after me: ‘He’s just my first boyfriend. He’s just my first boyfriend.’
Life is long. Please don’t think you are locked in. He is controlling, immature, and rude.
It sounds like he is pretty insecure and that’s making him controlling about what you can wear and how you spend your time. This is unlikely to change without him doing some serious work on himself. Which he won’t because he doesn’t really see it as a problem. The real question is if you can be ok with it. There’s plenty of relationships like this where people adjust and just change their style or spend less time with friends. Is he worth that to you? Could you be happy with someone who requires that of you in the long term? It’s rare to find someone who fits perfectly without adjustments you just need to figure out what adjustments you are willing to make for him. Does he make any for you?
HUGE no. This is incredibly controlling behavior. Red flags all over the place. Finish college. Do not get pregnant, get out while you can. Please.
He is a absolutely controlling you. And he wants the engagement and wedding asap so he can start alienating you from family and friends. Please don’t stay with him
Everyone has a first everything, it’s rarely your last everything even when it’s good. And this…is the opposite of that, this isn’t forever love.