I’m at my breaking point with my wife. She has mental illness issues w an eating disorder and compulsive exercise,3-4hrs a day. We have two small children, 3-6. I can’t even express how much I love them. But I feel like I am drowning. We have zero marriage. She has been in two rehab facilities and left AMA. She is now working w a therapist who has given her goals which she isn’t sticking to and straight up lying to my face about it. I’ve confronted her and she continues to deny it. I don’t know what to do. I’m only staying in the marriage for my kids and my own financial sanity. What really eats at my soul is that I want a divorce bc of her and as most of you know I AM THE ONE that will SUFFER the consequences. I’ll have to leave the house while she just continues to do what she is doing and gets the kid, The house, and half my assets. Wtf am I suppose to do.
34 comments
Ultimately a happier you will be a better parent to your children than a miserable you. And remember kids internalize what they see, so if they see an unhappy unhealthy relationship it will set the example for their own future relationships.
Hey, man, I’m sorry about all this. This definitely sucks. You should definitely talk to a lawyer though to guide this.
Have you told her if things don’t seriously start to change you will have to consider a separation?
start documenting everything. her behavior. her actions. everything. second, open a separate bank account and start saving money. finally find a good attorney and get advice. you may be able to get custody of your kids and keep the house if you can prove that she has mental illness and might be a danger to your kids. divorce is awful but sometimes necessary. best of luck
Sorry to hear this. If she’s in going through mental illness and so on would she even be a fit parent to the kids? Ultimately if you’re committed to this the way to do it is compassionately and kindly. Have you sat down with her and spoke about these feelings? It’s possible to do that without actually getting divorced, and it might wake her up a bit to how much you’re struggling.
If it’s too far gone that she simply has no affection or love to be able to entertain that conversation with you now then you just need to start making a plan and speaking to the appropriate people. Yes you’ll likely end up moving out, that’s the curse of being the man, but your sanity will be waiting for you wherever you move to.
Staying together is worse for the kids. Trust me, I know from experience as the kid. Just get it over with already so everyone can adjust and move on before it’s too late.
Been there done that (I divorced at 35). You’ll be fine. To help you feel better, think of the house as going to your kids. If you don’t give her the house you’ll have to sell it, which will uproot the kids and everyone will be worse off financially. So give up the house. If you’ve been married less than 10 years alimony won’t be too bad (half the length of marriage in CA). Child support is peanuts. Splitting retirement will sting. I’m 40 and with the woman of my dreams. My kids are fine and I’m so happy I went through it all
Why are you assuming she’ll “get the kids”? It’s 2025, push for full or half custody, get involved. You’re acting like she’ll take them away forever. Start documenting all of her issues, use that to bolster your case for custody.
Also she won’t get “half your assets”. She might get half of your marital assets. That’s how marriage works. That’s what you sign up for when you get married, that’s the risk you take. Will it suck losing some money? Sure. But them’s the breaks. You think pretending you’re in a healthy happy marriage when you’re not is any good for your kids? Nope. Far better to split up and even if it’s just the time you get with them, make that positive, healthy, happy, supportive.
You need to divorce specifically for the sake of the kids. It’s incredibly unhealthy for them to be raised in that kind of environment. You have the opportunity to provide a safe haven for them because they’re definitely noticing that something is wrong with their Mom.
Talk to a lawyer before doing anything though to learn what the rules are for your state and what you can do to protect both you and the kids. Despite what Reddit will have you believe you’re not automatically totally screwed just because you’re the Dad, especially in situations like this. Reddit is absolutely full of misinformation on divorce by people who have never even been divorced, so go talk to some lawyers and find out what the reality is in your state.
Living this right now;
Three years of hardship. I gave up a lot I gave a lot.
I thought of starting for the kids. Don’t it won’t help they will only know you as sad, angry or hurt.
You owe it to your kids to be the best that you can be. You happy is what they need.
It’s hard ripping the band aid it’s the worst. Do it for you and your kids.
I asked mine today. She said it’s nice to have you and mommy happy. The house closed and payment made on Friday she can already feel the difference
You should speak to a lawyer. If what you say is true about her, a good lawyer will say those conditions are unsafe due to her instability.
I don’t have advice for you. I just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re here. You’re a good person.
If your wife is having serious mental disorders which might negatively influence your kids, especially if they involve eating disorders which could make her starve them, then you might have a good case for full custody.
Dont leave the house. Make her move. Once you walk out that door, the house is her. Make sure to tell your lawyer just how mentally unwell she is and how you fear for the children’s future health and self image.
You need to put on your war face and bring receipts, otherwise she is going to steam roll you
Document everything. If she has a mental illness and is seeing a therapist but lying about putting in the work, has been in and out of rehab, etc. that’s something to be used against her when talking custody and financial help. It sounds low, but when there are kids involved that you want the best for, make sure you do all you can.
If you decide to divorce and are the one that files, you get to choose which county (or hell, state) to file in. This is the place where all matters of the divorce are held in perpetuity. Do what you want with that knowledge.
As far as everything else?
Hire the very best lawyer you can afford and do *exactly* what they say. Hide nothing and be absolutely transparent with your lawyer and the judge.
Demand a parenting app where *all* communications take place. Demand a minimum of 50/50 custody of the children. You might get lucky and get more than 50% depending on her mental health. Not only does this give you time with your kids and them time with you, you may get off with zero child support. In most places in the USA (that i know of), child support is first based off how many nights your kids stay with you, then wage disparities are considered. If you and her make roughly the same money, you most likely won’t have to pay child support, or it will be very little. If she doesn’t work, in time she’ll have to. You can then take her back to court to have your child support reassessed. In this, keep immaculate records of the *nights* they stay with you. If they spend more nights at your house than hers, this works generously in your favor.
Demand a parenting agreement laid out with a mediator (chances are, the court will mandate this). In that agreement, demand a “first right of refusal” of 4 hours (or whatever makes sense for you). If she has to leave the kids for more than 4 hours for any reason, she has to offer that time to you first. If luck has it, she’ll need to ask for you to take the kids for a couple extra nights. Demand whatever holidays you want. Demand no parent can move more than X miles away from the other, or they give up all parental rights. Get yourself 2 weeks vacation time with the kids that you get to decide when it’s taken. Pretty much any guidelines about raising kids, where their permanent address is (hopefully, your house), how costs are covered, everything, can and will be negotiated here.
Everything else is negotiable. For starters, her lawyer will most likely start with “we want everything”. Don’t freak out. Talk with your lawyer. They do this to shake you. If you have a good lawyer and she wants the house and it’s in your name, she’d most likely have to buy it from you. If you’re both on the mortgage, she’ll need to remortgage the house and buy you out of your half. If you own it, you may be able to get away with “no alimony, but half the equity in the house” (this is what i did). You’ll need to have your house assessed. You get to decide who does that (you’ll also pay). Shop around and ask around. Find someone understandings and empathetic. They’ll ask why you’re getting the home value assessed. You’ll say you’re getting a divorce and buying out her half of the equity. They’ll most likely ask what you think the house is worth and go from there. If none of this works, the house will most likely need to be sold and you’ll both split the profit.
Everything else? None of it matters. Put it all on the negotiation table. Anything you bought before the marriage is yours. Everything you bought together? Let it go. Let her have it. Let it be her problem to deal with.
Done correctly, you’ll get the house, your assets from before the marriage if you choose, at least half the time with the kids, none or very little child support, and a cheap one time payment buyout that can never be renegotiated. And, more importantly, you’ll be happy. Your kids will see you happy. And, they’ll learn the lesson that it’s better to be happily alone than miserably together.
But, most importantly, *ALWAYS* keep your cool, never mention to the judge about “father’s rights”, always speak kindly of your child’s mother when around the kids, make sure that no matter what she does or says that you stay willing to be amicable. And, sometimes, be the only person amicable.
>What really eats at my soul is that I want a divorce bc of her and as most of you know I AM THE ONE that will SUFFER the consequences. I’ll have to leave the house while she just continues to do what she is doing and gets the kid, The house, and half my assets. Wtf am I suppose to do.
Get over all of that, take responsibility for marrying the wrong person, and do what needs to be done. Don’t raise your kids in a toxic ass environment.
You don’t have to jump straight to divorce.
Legal separation can be a marriage saver.
If you are the majority income and depending on your state you could just end up “enabling” her in a divorce.
Addiction of anykind is a relationship killer. If you speak to an attorney and you can leave and take the kids in a separation, that might get through to her.
Look bud, a separated life with two healthy stable parents (or, at least on healthy stable parent part of the time) is better than living in a broken home. Why do you have to leave the house? If you have the income to support payments going forward, you can buy her out of her equity and stay there (that’s what I did). Losing assets is annoying, but they are not what your life is about and think about how much you’d pay for peace and stability and the ability to make a space where you can raise your kids during your part of custody in stability and peace, or if she’s truly falling apart, entirely in peace and stability. Divorce sucks, but for almost everyone who is serious where it is really in the table, the alternative is not better and that legal separation lets you get agency back in your life for yourself and your kiddos.
My parents were miserable when I was growing up and I internalized it thinking this is what awaits me when I get married. Trust me, even if it will suck now, in the long term, they’ll be happy to have a single happy parents than a miserable one
Why would she get the kids? My dad got full custody of both of us in 1987, no mental illness involved.
Oh man, I feel this situation to my core… My ex wife had mental issues which surfaced in uncontrolled spending as well as mental abuse towards me. We have a son together.
I tried for years to get her help. I was patient, caring, it was exhausting.
After trying to fix the situation for several years one day I just decided to leave. I snapped internally, I was done… I created a plan and executed that plan over the next 6 months.
It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, to break up a family. I sat her down and told her I was done, I was leaving. I took our son and went somewhere safe.
It was rough in the beginning. Lots of lashing out and making my life hell. I stayed on course. I took her to court and divorced her. I pay child support but have majority custody.
It’s been almost 7 years, I’m remarried and the happiest I’ve ever been. I’ve recovered financially and finally feel on track again. My kiddo has been through therapy and is thriving.
It was the right choice for me and if you’ve exhausted all your efforts, it may be the right choice for you. Life is too short to live in misery.
FYI, I’ve seen the following result ehen two parents won’t sell the house, but won’t agree on who lives in the house…
The kids renain in the house.
Each parent alternates weeks living in the house.
This sort of deal truly exposes who is the stable parent and who is not. You each have to find alternate housing and maintain it on your own. This can greatly favor the more together/stable person in the relationship.
Good lawyer and documenting everything is key. Disengage and think of your family as *you and the kids*. Also, never talk negatively about her with the kids. Keep that to yourself and your personal, trusted support network.
Brother, read and re-read these next few sentences. I beg you. Lock them into your brain now and move as you see fit.
1) document everything now. Start collecting info on her negative mental health behaviors, visit, etc. this is NOT ammunition. This is preparation.
2) start looking at your finances, career, and schedule. Your schedule needs to be able to fit your kids into it. You have a toddler. He cannot go to school full time. Your schedule needs to be able to accommodate that. You need to be able to have the kids whenever they cannot be in school or a reasonable amount of daycare.
3) look at down sizing vehicles and other things that tie up cash flow. That way you can be more flexible with your career and schedule. Trade the big truck for a reliable commuter car and reduce payment (for example, not saying it applies to you), look at changing jobs and taking a slight pay cut if it means more flexibility with the kids schedules.
You need to be ready for when you split, that you have the availability and flexibility to do all the normal parent things. Take appointments, take to extra curriculars, attend school events and meetings etc.
This ensures you get custody. If she’s really struggling and would be a bad mom you are set for full custody. If she can be a good mom, then there’s zero reasons you can’t have half custody.
It’s there’s ages specifically that makes it trickier. If you are working 10 hours a day, 5-6 days a week or working nights or whatever it’s going to be hard to get anything other than weekends or even every other weekend.
Ask me how I know..I gave up a lucrative career to get the flexibility to solely financially provide for my daughter while being a full time single dad with full legal and mostly full physical from ages 3-10.
It’s 1000% worth it.
Sorry for rambling just read it and soak it in.
What precludes you from going for primary custody?
You need to talk to a lawyer. Also shop around and specifically find a female lawyer. If you have a daughter this isn’t healthy for her.
Talking to lawyers, who usually give free consultations, doesn’t mean you have to get a divorce right away. It’s just talking about what they think your rights are.
I read from a divorce lawyer to NEVER leave the family home, stay until you sell the house and you both leave, else your kids will see you as you abandoning them, and you are already on the back foot in the divorce.
Even though the few years after my divorce were probably the hardest years I’ve ever had in my life, I wouldn’t change it for the world because it gave me room to be a a better father. That, and my kids appreciated it later in life as well
I would not consider it healthy to stay together for the kids. I loved my step parents.
I had similar issues with my wife’s depression. I think she’s coming out of it. But sometimes you’ve done all you can do.
And sometimes they act like you’re supposed to just embrace it. Which for any other addiction would be frowned upon
Hopefully you can get full custody. I hope for the kids’ sakes.
Talk to her about it. With our without a counselor. If divorce is inevitable its best to be amicable. Don’t give the lawyers all you’ve worked for.
You already know what you need to do. Its simple, and its hard, and it will hurt. But it doesn’t get better until you pull the trigger. So the question is really how much pain do you want to put yourself through, and for how long? This spiral is only going one way til you turn it around, and the further fpen it goes, the longer the climb back up..
I could tell you a bunch of stuff ypu already know, but you already know it. You can’t both be miserable and find the energy to be your best self.. see, just told you what you already know.. so I’m going to stop now.
Just do it, and get on with your life.. Even if she gets everything else, if you regain your equilibrium, she can’t take anything you can’t get back or replace..
Speak to a good family law attorney
My parents got divorced when I was.. 8?
I wish they’d gotten divorced earlier. They were much happier people apart than together.
That said, they were also pretty much the ideal divorcing couple too – in that once they were no longer legally bound, they never once gave me the impression they were anything but friends.
She’s been in rehab twice? She’s still a fuckup? Ignore the internet – she’s not getting the kids if you have a lawyer with a pulse. Visitation, every other weekend? Sure. Not custody.
Kids stay in the house.