My (40M) wife (44F) has left me and started a relationship with another man. We were together for 18 years.
I've come to realise that during that time she's been physically violent, emotionally abusive and financially exploitative. I've been punched, slapped and spat at. I've had to put myself between her and our kids during her violent outbursts. There are periods where she's just stopped contributing to the household budget, and throughout our time together I paid generally between 70% and 100% of our expenses. She ran up substantial credit card debts which led to debt collectors coming to our door looking for her, but when I raised it with her she claimed she had no credit cards and it was all a misunderstanding. She's belittled me, constantly accused me of affairs and left me to do the overwhelming majority of housework, parenting and financial planning with no help whatsoever.
I should have left the first time she hit me, but I'm not my oldest son's biological parent, so I would have had no legal right to be in his life. We also had caring commitments for my mother-in-law, so I felt responsible for being around for her.
I should be overjoyed to be out of this relationship, but I can't sleep without her, I wake up every morning and reach for her but she isn't there. I've spoken to my doctor who says I've been in a textbook case of an abusive, violent, gaslighting relationship, but I would give anything to have things back the way they were. I'm on antidepressants and sedatives to help me cope, but I'm still walking around feeling like I have a gaping hole in my chest.
She's largely disengaged from our kids and I'm effectively a solo parent at the moment.
I don't know how to get over this absolute love I feel towards someone who doesn't and has never deserved it. What can I do?
TL;DR: My wife was violent and abusive towards me for many years, but I'm still inconsolable that she's left me. How do I get over it?
27 comments
I am not sure where you are but in most countries her debt and your debt would be the same so debt collectors can just as easily collect from you.
/u/bot-sleuth-bot
Therapy, man. Lots of therapy. But DO NOT GO BACK. It will get better, but only if you put that chapter behind you. Godspeed.
Understand you are NOT alone. A lot of abuse victims mourn the loss of their relationships with their abuser. Im not a therapist but i just wanted to hop on and let you know that this is very common and you’re not somehow terrible for missing her.
Having said that therapy would help. Also seek support from family and friends. And strangely what has helped me is helping others.
I dont know what it is but helping someone else when you need help puts things into perspective sometimes. Volunteer at an organization that aligns with your beliefs.
You’ve been pressing so long against that wall, now that it’s gone you feel like you’re falling. What you haven’t yet realized is that you’re flying.
I’m sorry it’s difficult for you right now. You and your kids are going to have to process all of this, and that’s going to take some time.
Therapy. You need therapy and a lawyer
First, give yourself grace. It’s so easy to say you “should” be happy and free, but it strikes me as very normal that you would be grieving the loss of someone you spent 18 years with.
Second, find things to be grateful for. For example, that your kids are with you and will have a much better life with you as their solo parent.
Third, time heals all wounds. I know it doesn’t feel like it in the moment, but you will slowly get used to your new normal and one day feel fine.
Trauma bonds are no joke. Depending on the severity and strength of the attachment, It could take years of therapy to break that bond.
Love doesn’t make sense. It’s ok you feel this way. Everyday take a little of that love for her and give it to your kids. If you think of her or miss her tell your kids you love them or share a favorite song or memory or just hug them. Day by day. I am so sorry
I really am sorry you are going through this. You really need to get a handle on why you want to be in an abusive situation. Start by going back in your life, and try to remember if you have always been in these kinds of relationships in which you are powerless. If it started as a child you will have to come to an understand if that as an adult you do not want to continue to receive abusive treatment. It might feel familiar, but it’s not good for you.
18 years is an awful long time to be with an abusive partner, and I truly feel for you. I think you have a lot of things to unpack, but your main priority right now should be you and your children.
The gaping hole in your chest is understandable, you were together for 18 years. Whilst you clearly recognise that the relationship was abusive, a big part of you is clinging on to what has been normal for you all this time, as well as the “good bits”. Abuse is never linear and most often associated with a psychological pattern called the “Cycle of Abuse” which creates a strong emotional attachment between you and your “abuser”. Cue also Stockholm Syndrome and Trauma Bonding.
Recognising that this was textbook abuse and that someone who truly cared about you wouldn’t have done this, is a great place to start. I’m sure your ex-wife (I hope ex), also gaslighted you, minimised your experiences, constantly argued to a point that you would avoid her or just stay quiet to keep the peace. Recognise this and the fact that you deserve better. Also recognise that she will never change and is extremely likely to repeat her behaviours with her new partner even if things look hunky dory now (she’s merely lovebombing).
I don’t know if I helped in any way, but as someone who was in a short emotionally abusive relationship many years back, I get you.
Finally, do not ever take her back even if she says she has changed, this is all a manipulative lie.
therapy is the only way here.
Therapy! And a lawyer. And collect alllllll of the documentation you can to prove her financial irresponsibility and abusive behaviour. This is a fresh start for you. She’s going to fuck up her new relationship just like this one and find herself with no one.
Don’t go back to her.
Keep receipts, take pictures of the receipts.
Use them as necessary.
I know it seems like you can’t catch a break right now, I promise it gets better. One day, it could be weeks or months from now, you will wake up and feel that weight lifted off your shoulders. You’ll realize a “healthy” relationship is a foundation of respect, empathy and love. It makes you want to be the best version of yourself.
You need to be kind to yourself and give yourself some grace. Take this time to rebuild yourself and find a way to love yourself. If you can’t do that it will be impossible to know what you deserve. A violent and unpredictable relationship is not a healthy or an environment for children. This is when you need to put yourself first to be the example you want for your kids. Hopefully a year from now, we will see a post of how you overcome the hardest time in your life. Wishing you and your kids the best.
Of course you feel this way! Most people in your position would! Part of the abuse was her rejecting you and acting like it was your fault — like if you just did the Good Partner Dance perfectly enough, sacrificed enough, made yourself small enough, she would finally love you, in the way you could glimpse during the good times. Of course this feels like you’ve failed and are finally judged not good enough. You can intellectually understand that she was abusive because something inside her is broken, not because there’s anything fundamentally wrong with you, and you aren’t stupid, so you know this is theoretically for the best, but it won’t feel like it for a *long* time.
One day you’ll wake up and realize you’ve actually been doing kinda better for a while. But you won’t think that day is possible until you’re already there.
My mom treated my dad like this. I’m glad you’re out. It would have been better if it had happened the other way, but even though you didn’t have agency in your relationship or in how it ended, you have agency now. You’re a person again. You might hate the person you think you are, but try to find small ways to be kind and compassionate to yourself, and you’ll slowly realize you’re not the person your ex told you you are.
And you might actually be able to get visitation for your oldest son — if you’re not already talking to a lawyer, consulting one would be a good idea, even if finances are tight. In a perfect world, you and your kids would all have therapists too, but I get that your priority is keeping your head above water financially and otherwise, and that’s okay.
The brightest light casts the greatest shadow.
The hole in your chest will pass. You must remain strong and do what is best for you and your kids, which is not getting back with this person, no matter how hard it is.
You need to speak to people about your feelings, bottling them up is a powder keg waiting to blow and who is there to bear the brunt of it WHEN (not IF!) it goes off..
Im so sorry that you have had to endure such a disheartening and dangerous relationship. Time and therapy are the best options to help heal the broken parts, and filling your life with loving and supportive people will fill your cup up. I wish you all the best in your healing journey, you deserve all the love and kindness ❤️
You fell in love witb the Idea of Her, not the Reality of Her. You must find a way to disengage and dismantle the mythology of her you’ve created in your mind.
I am so sorry this happened.
I know right now it feels like you want her back…but that’s a trauma bond. It’s like a drug high and it feels so good when it’s good but it’s like withdrawals when it’s taken away.
You will need time. And patience. And kindness with yourself. And therapy. as others have mentioned.
Your feelings are completely valid and no one will be able to understand (in your life) why you feel this way. But we’ve all been there.
You have made the absolute right choice and I you need to invest completely in yourself right now. To be able to be the best for your kids. And your life.
I wish you well, you incredibly strong man.
You probably have PTSD. Therapy is the way to go
This sucks. It really does but you know you can’t go back, ever.
Therapy to the nth degree. Look into dialectical behavior training, and consider seeing if there is a CPTSD diagnosis here, considering how long you were together.
You need to build your identity, strength and independence back up from nil. You can do it and you won’t even recognise the person you are today. You will absolutely find joy again. Find someone qualified to talk to and never, ever go back to that relationship!!
It isn’t uncommon. The relationship ship became an addiction. Not love. Get some therapy please. I speak from experience. Trauma bonds are very hard to break. It on the other side? Sooo good
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For anyone reading this that has been in a similar relationship, you know this probably isn’t over.
Get your life together and realize how much better it is for you and everyone around you. She will likely come back at some point and try anf ruin your happiness.
Run! Separate entirely. You’ll love your life once you’re free from someone who abuses you.