I (F35) just found out my husband (M37) has been hiding regular one-on-one “coffee walks” with a female colleague from his last job. We have two young kids (4 and 1).
Last weekend, I had a gut feeling to check his phone. On a messaging app we don’t normally use, I found chats with his ex-colleague. They met regularly for coffee, just the two of them – something he never once mentioned. When talking about work, he’d say “people from HR” instead of using her name.
During his time at that company, our relationship felt distant. I’d often say, “It feels like we have nothing to talk about anymore.” Now I wonder if it’s because he was already sharing with her.
In the messages:
• She texted about lunch, and he replied, “I’ll go into the office for you.”
• He bought her a muffin because she “wasn’t eating well.”
• They joked about another colleague giving them a curious look.
When I confronted him, he said he hid it because he thought I’d “overthink” and promised not to do it again. Later, he told me she has a boyfriend (her direct boss). Still, I don’t think that excuses my husband’s secrecy or behavior.
I don’t believe there was physical intimacy, but it feels like there was emotional intimacy. His new job is near her office, and I’m worried they’ll continue their “ritual.” He knows I see emotional affairs as worse than physical ones. I’m not sure I can trust him again.
TLDR: Husband hid regular one-on-one coffee meetups with a female colleague, bought her food, and avoided mentioning her to me. I think it was an emotional affair, and I’m struggling with trust.