Sometimes I feel because I don't want to start a fight with people or I don't want to punch somebody because of disrespect I'm unmanly. It's not that I'm terrified of it but I just don't think it's the right thing to do. One of my enjoyments in life is finding good clothes that are comfortable and fitting but sometimes it makes me go like "what is wrong with you? Dress like a man". I haven't been treated with all the pleasures growing up it's not that I'm spoiled. I just feel like I'm not enough to the point that I punish myself for having friends and playing videogames or gaining 1kg of weight or even something as simple as smiling because a man has to be "tough" right?
Have you ever felt this way and has it gotten better?
33 comments
What does “dress like a man” mean
Sometimes fighting is called for
Best not to get involved in situations you’re not comfortable in
> Sometimes I feel because I don’t want to start a fight with people or I don’t want to punch somebody because of disrespect I’m unmanly.
That is a weird definition of “manly.”
> One of my enjoyments in life is finding good clothes that are comfortable and fitting but sometimes it makes me go like “what is wrong with you? Dress like a man”.
This is also a bit odd and concerning. Have you thought about therapy?
> I just feel like I’m not enough to the point that I punish myself for having friends and playing videogames or gaining 1kg of weight or even something as simple as smiling because a man has to be “tough” right?
This is seriously a mental health issue.
>Sometimes I feel because I don’t want to start a fight with people or I don’t want to punch somebody because of disrespect I’m unmanly.
Being “manly” and being violent are two very different things
>One of my enjoyments in life is finding good clothes that are comfortable and fitting but sometimes it makes me go like “what is wrong with you? Dress like a man”.
Dress however you want
> Have you ever felt this way and has it gotten better?
I used to be self conscious about my “manliness” but then I got older and stopped caring what other people think. I can only be myself, so that’s all I’m going to do. I hope one day you will realize that yourself
Seek therapy.
I just except that im not like other men if a hand was raised to me I honestly would fight like a dirty asshole and go for the nuts or pick up a weapon I used to have a very bad anger problem as a kid and put another kids head through a window after a considerable amount of bullying he left me alone after that and I vowed never to raise my fists to anyone again I have always been more gentle and a bit more soft I always strife to be a Gentleman and thats a good way to be masculine without being an asshole being a gentleman extends to everyone not just women
I’m an asexual nerd. The entire concept of socially acceptable masculinity is so far removed from everything I am that I don’t think I’ve ever actually felt “manly” in my life. I’m male passing (I really don’t like the way my face looks without at least some beard) and I dress more or less like a stereotypical dude, but masculinity as a concept does nothing for me.
There is no wrong way to be a man.
Right now society is pivoting towards valuing the “warrior” type of man, who is outgoing, competitive, and aggressive. But that is not the only way to be a man.
I often simplify it as a triangle chart, with one corner being “warrior” and the others being “scholar” and “poet.” At different times and in different places, each type has been valued higher than the others. But it’s a spectrum, and you can be anywhere on the chart. You can be more of a “scholar” who values knowledge and intellect, or a “poet” who values art, nature, and creativity. Or any blend of any of them.
And even my triangle graph is extremely limited, you have the freedom to determine what being a man means to you, personally. You don’t need to look to others or society to tell you how to find value in yourself.
The only time I feel unmanly is when I can’t fix things. Things like the lawn mower, the fridge, my wife, etc. But I know that this is the result of millennia of being a testosterone soaked Neanderthal.
But when I avoid situations where a fight may happen, when I used to let my preschool daughter paint my toenails, when I go see a doctor or therapist instead of toughing it out? Those are perfectly in sync with my definition of manly.
I’ll answer your question with a question.
Which male role model (or the absence thereof) made you feel this way? I only ask because this is not a healthy internal model of what it means to be a man.
Part of being a man is not giving a fuck about people’s opinions. That’s the route I go. I play video games too and don’t give a fuck about someone’s opinion on that. I’m also a good father and husband. That’s all that’s required
You need professional help. None of the things you listed are manly or unmanly.
There is no standard on what being manly is. There is no guide book. My general thought? Be kind to others. Treat people with nice unless there is a reason not to. Avoid situations that put you in harms way.
That’s it. What you wear doesn’t matter. Not wanting to punch someone doesn’t matter. Enjoying video games, or gardening, or wearing fun clothes doesn’t matter.
Yes. My ex-wife was much better at fixing things than I was. I would help her of course, but when it came to minor car repair, household appliance installation, etc. she had more experience and aptitude for that. But she would emasculate me and make fun of me for not being able to do that kind of stuff as well as her.
One of MANY reasons I’m not married to her anymore.
I don’t let that kind of thing bother me anymore, but it still is something I think about often. My dad never taught me how to be handy, but his father never taught him either. My dad just picked it up via jobs or learned from male friends. I’m comfortable not being particularly handy because I’m good at a lot of other things.
I’m going to add to the others saying that it sounds like you need to go to therapy. The stream of consciousness in your post reads like you have a lot of conflicting thoughts that loosely revolve around “manliness” and have more to do with personal insecurities.
It’s manly to go to therapy.
Not really. I don’t ever feel particularly “manly” either. I’m just here existing dog.
What do you currently dress like? In women’s clothing? I wear jeans, t shirt, and vans like 90% of the time. Haven’t been into a physical fight in like 10+ years.
Absolutely, but then I realized that being “manly” is fucking nonsense and shouldn’t ever be something that you’re concerned with.
Bro, manly is what you decide it is. Does it make you feel like what you envision manhood to entail? Then wear it with pride! Honestly, I think the most manly thing in the world is doing what you want and not giving a fuck.
one of the biggest “manly” fallacies is you have to display no emotion to be “tough”, its harder to show emotion and talk about problems than it is to stoneface and “there’s nothing wrong” your way through life. Letting your emotions show is manly, letting them control you into bad behaviors isnt
Guys, OP is 15 years old.
OP, it’s okay to ask stuff and to express your thoughts, but this topic of “manliness” isn’t one you need to think about for another decade. Comparing yourself to your peers or anyone else who seems to care about “manliness” is useless because they’re also worrying about the same exact thing. Boys your age are *pretending* to be manly. They’re *acting* tough.
Do what you want. Wear what you want. A real man is just like any other man; we’re half the population just trying to survive and have a good time when we can. Don’t worry about this “being manly” stuff, man.
To answer your question: no, I don’t ever feel “unmanly”. I’m a man. That’s all there is to it. I play video games and wear all kinds of clothes. I’m short, I don’t fight people, and I try to gain weight on purpose. If somebody said that’s “unmanly” I wouldn’t even understand what “manliness” had to do with what I do or why they even care. I don’t care and you don’t need to either.
Yes and I don’t care. I’ve never aspired to be “manly” and everyone I know who is “manly” is fucking miserable.
You have an incredibly toxic and underdeveloped idea of what “manly” is. Just from reading your post, it sounds like you think being manly is being angry and violent (starting fights and punching people), requires a certain look (the clothes you wear), or requires you to eschew things you might like. All of this is just….wrong.
The men who start fights and punch people are not manly, they’re angry people who do no have control of themselves or their temper. The men who are convinced that they must dress a certain way are more concerned about image, than they are about moral fiber. The men who think that they have to be “tough” often don’t know what tough actually is, they have a fantasy of it in their heads.
When I think about traits that men (and humans, really) should have, none of the above are part of it. Part of manliness is knowing when getting into a physical altercation is actually necessary, not seeking it out. It’s a good thing to want to look good, and wear clothes that fit, but that image can mean many things and your journey is not going to look like others. Punishing yourself for not meeting an unmeetable standard is psychologically harmful and incredibly toxic. The only thing you are doing with that is hurting yourself.
I would strongly encourage you to think about what you consider to be manly, and why you think that defines a man. I think you’ll find that whatever it is that you are reading, listening to, or watching is feeding you some toxic bullshit.
Therapy can help set you on the right path, as long as you show up to learn and question, and gather tools that help you develop. Find role models that you see actually contribute to society and actually treat other people well. Things like kindness, gentleness, good communication, conflict resolution (not conflict initiating) skills, and emotional intelligence come to mind.
People occasionally would comment on some thing about me not being right. It could be anything from how you walk, talk, sit, clothes you wear, etc. Eventually I figured out, that’s just them and their nonsensical set of rules. I’m not really interested in following it, and am comfortable with myself regardless. Sounds like you could use that?
Being a man doesn’t mean starting fights. But don’t let anyone walk over you either
Fighting? Eh… as a young man I felt that running away from a fight would be unmanly, but I would never swing first. And I never felt an ounce of shame answering “you wanna fight?” With a flat “no, i don’t.”
These days, I work in local jail. I’ve been “disrespected” plenty of times. Never felt i needed to fight about it. And the guys that do fight over that bs…. well they keep me employed.
The only time I’ve felt “unmanly” is when I was a stay home dad for a time. Many redditors will probably take issue with this, but whatever, I feel how I feel. I was a stay home dad to my son for a few months. I felt like a good dad, a good husband, but I did not feel like a “man” in ways that are meaningful to *me*
“Manly” isn’t a real thing. I never feel unmanly and I never feel manly. I just feel like me – those kinds of vague definitions born of insecurity are meaningless to my life.
Its not your fault but your definition of manliness is garbage. IMO anyway. It’s not about beating people up and looking tough. It’s about doing what’s right, leading with grace and kindness, not letting your ego control you etc I can go on and on. Dont measure youself up to arbitrary standards set by people who dont know you or give a shit about you.
No, but then I’ve never really cared too much about “being manly”. I also don’t care if someone insults me for being unmanly, that’s their problem, not mine.
Look to be fair most people who know how to fight have no desire to fight themselves. If you see someone looking for a fight they are usually very insecure, and have no idea what being punched in the face feels like. You do you bro. It’s the manliest thing you can do.
Not really.
No.
I think you’re coming from a level of insecurity and you’re projecting it onto others, specifically the “dress like a man”.
I typically don’t care what people wear. I don’t want to spend time judging people and just move on.
I also think it’s childish to get in 95% of altercations. Only way I’d fight someone is to protect someone from being harmed.
You’re living your life based on how others view you. Just figure out how you want to live life and live that way.
An Adult Man uses their words to try to reach understanding before physical violence.
I feel unmanly when I get hot headed and lose control.
You’re free to dress as you like. Work uniforms may have different requirements. There is no such thing as manly apparel— just jealous men who are insecure.
If you live your life in the shadow of fear of being unmanly, you are a boy not a man.
Build up your self confidence and esteem to combat insecurity. Once the mental and emotional core is secure, consider the physical one. There’s no need to have a perfect body. Strength and resilience comes from within.
I don’t really think about manliness.
I have felt that way and it leads you nowhere. I know who I am. I can lift heavy objects, perform car maintenance, survive in the wilderness, and defend myself. I do not need to prove myself to anyone.
I had to be brave and just start being myself. I got the right attention from the right people (luckily, I was married to one of them).
When I get pushback from other people’s expectations, I just remember the heep of joy I get from being myself versus the tiny little pile of shame that they’re trying to lay on me and I make the easy choice.