Using a throwaway account because my boyfriend uses reddit and I don't wanna deal with any additional drama.
I've been in this relationship for 17 months. Overall, I'd say our relationship has been mostly happy, but it's had its moments. He's typically a very kind and understanding partner, and obviously I'd like to continue the relationship with him since he's someone I love very much. Thing is, lately, we keep just arguing and arguing over the silliest things. If you were to ask him, he'd probably say I'm the instigator, but in my perspective he just as easily gets exasperated anytime I take slight issue with something he's said or done.
Like, for example, here's something that happened earlier: we were on the phone with each other chatting about our days. I told him all about this issue I had with getting a debt sorted out and how it took me 2 different hours of calling a bunch of different people before the matter was finally sorted. I then explained I had made a post on a reddit sub about it asking for advice, saying that it got a lot more attention than I originally anticipated and after a few hours of the post being up people started getting real nasty in the comments for no real reason. He asked if something about the tone of my post was coming off as entitled, which was a weird comment imo but I replied no, and gave a few examples of the stuff a few people were saying. He then said "Well, that's what happens on the internet, if you can't handle it you shouldn't be on reddit". I found this a bit condescending and immediately responded saying that I found it such, especially since I've been posting to this site for a long time so obviously I was enough of a "big girl" to handle it.
He then started asking why I was getting so angry with him, that he didn't do anything wrong. I then explained that I wasn't angry, I was just a bit hurt because it felt like he was being condescending. Instantly he starts huffing and going on about how I'm overreacting about this and how exhausting it is that I always have to make a big deal about everything and can never let anything go. This went on for ten minutes while I tried to calmly explain to him why it felt dismissive and condescending to say that to me. I expressed how I feel like we keep constantly having this same type of conversation in our relationship and he starts getting mad at me for bringing up the past. I say I don't appreciate him acting like me saying something upset me is an overreaction, he just restates that I'm overreacting yet again. Eventually we got to a point where he finally apologised for phrasing things poorly and that he never meant to come off as dismissive of me. It still wears on me so much because this has been a repeating pattern for the past 5 months of our relationship – I don't know what gets lost in translation but it's like he interprets everything I say nowadays in the worst faith possible.
Another semi-recent example I can think of is when we were on vacation a few weeks ago. We decided to go to this pub crawl happening in this one area but he went a bit earlier than me because I wanted to rest for an hour before going back out since it had been a big day. I then made my way to the 3rd bar scheduled for the night since I just missed the tail end of the 2nd bar, and I went in through the front and met up with him there. We drank and danced for a bit but I started feeling a bit of anxiety. It was around then that the group decided to move along to the club, and I told my bf that I would meet him outside. I went out the front and waited for a few minutes but nobody came downstairs. My anxiety was still eating at me a bit so I texted him letting him know not to wait for me since i'll meet him there. He texts asking why I wasn't at the back exit, and this is when I figure out that the place had two different exits and the group had taken the other one. He then calls me and I tell him that I was feeling a bit down and needed to go for a walk to clear my head, then I'd meet him at the club.
Fast forward after the club, we go to a convenience store for some food with this girl we met there and sit in front of this random building. Nothing is really happening until he all of a sudden hits me with "I was worried about you, I tried to get the group to wait while I checked for you inside". I then told him I didn't know there was a front and back exit and I was out the front exit for a couple minutes just as confused as he was. I then reminded him that I texted that I'd meet him there and that it didn't feel fair for him to start getting upset at me for a misunderstanding. He then accuses me of getting upset and not him, and I say that I'm not upset and was just saying I didn't think he was being fair. He still tries to say I'm upset, which ironically does start making me upset, we bicker back and forth and then he calls me a "fucking baby" which really hurt. I'm now crying and yell back at him not to call me names. The random club girl had to step in and de-escalate, which was really embarrassing ngl.
There's been so many instances like this too where he decides I'm super mad about something, then when I say I'm not he'll keep insisting I am to the point I actually do get upset because I don't like being told how I'm feeling, then he'll be like "See? I was right!". And it's so frustrating to deal with. Like, how am I supposed to respond to him doing that?
I feel like I'm going crazy because I love this guy so much and for everything big and important he's so sweet and supportive. At times he just becomes so obtuse now and I feel like I'm talking to a child who doesn't understand that tone and choice of wording influences how something is taken. He's a good person and hasn't always done this, so I don't believe this to be some secret undercover plot to reel me in and then emotionally abuse me or anything ridiculous like that. Admittedly there have been moments in our relationship where I've overreacted to things, and I struggle with some mental health issues including a disorder that makes regulating my emotions difficult, so I'm wondering if because of that he now by default assumes everything is the fault of my mental illness and therefore I must be reacting inappropriately no matter the context.
TL:DR – Boyfriend will say/do something that I find mildly offensive or hurtful, then when I calmly bring it up as an issue starts acting like I'm throwing a tantrum and being unreasonable. Having had some moments where I have overreacted in the past plus some emotional dysregulation issues may be influencing him to default to him feeling like I'm always overreacting, even when I feel like I have a valid complaint.