Being the oldest sometimes feels like I’ll never be enough no matter what I do. I’m 21 and I’ve been helping out for as long as I can remember. Before I started really saving for a car, I’d buy dinners, pay for bills here and there, take my sisters out, and treat my mom to things I knew she couldn’t get herself. I even worked with my dad for 2 years doing flooring—ripping it out, installing it, the whole thing—and in all that time I only got paid a handful of times. Most of it I basically worked for free because it was “for the family.” Now I’m trying to save for a car, but my dad doesn’t even want me to get one and keeps steering me away from every option I look at because he doesn’t want me to move out. I’ve been going in circles for so long I swear I mentally feel like an old lady. So when my mom hit me today with “you don’t help out financially” it was such a slap in the face. Even my younger sister was like, “no way she actually said that.” I’m not lazy, I’m not selfish—I’m literally just trying to get my own life together without drowning. Sometimes it feels like oldest siblings aren’t allowed to grow up… we’re just supposed to sacrifice forever, smile about it, and be told it’s still not enough.
18 comments
Do whatever you need to do to get away from them, see if you can get a roommate and find a side hustle to have extra money. Your dad needs to be paying all the bills and they shouldn’t be stopping you from living your life, that’s not right
Poor people do this to their kids sometimes. It’s partially because they genuinely love you and want you to stay in their lives, partially because they resent that you aren’t trapped in the situation they’re stuck in, partially because they want to use you for free labor. No amount of helping out will ever be enough. Their parents probably did this too.
You’re a free adult not an indentured servant. Your parents are adults and responsible for themselves. Do what you want. It’s time to make your own plans and get on with your life.
It was tough moving out on my own at 20 years old but well worth it.
One of my brothers stayed at home until he was 27 and kept going back when relationships or marriages ended.
He never actually lived on his own and died in poverty.
I graduated college and I’m a retired teacher with a pension and social security. Not rich but not in debt or struggling to buy food.
Live for yourself. Don’t be me. I’ve lost jobs, my home, my lifestyle for everyone else. Never got married. No kids. I’m 62.
Yeah they’re taking you for a ride big time. Only you can stop letting them take advantage of you, grow up and move out.
I was “parentified” at a young age, too- cleaning, babysitting, free office labor-and it just gets worse. If you don’t learn to be your own ally, it will not change. Buying a car is a good first step. Keep it in your name and do not loan it (I am serious) and do not become everyone’s chauffeur. Wheels are freedom-go for it!
It’s the opposite for me, the youngest (by a lot) and only boy. Older sister got to enjoy her 20s without a care in the world, 2 failed marriages, 2 lost houses. Now I’m stuck with wanting to move out but worrying about how my 70yo mom will survive because she did zero retirement planning.
My oldest sibling bolted and joined Air Force at 18. Of course it was during the Vietnam war, so there is the idea of joining to avoid draft.
When he ended his service he stayed around a few months, got a job, then moved out. Soon married. And saw him only occasionally. Not sure he really sacrificed much at all. Didn’t see him much growing up either.
This is where you secretly move out in the middle of the night.
I completely understand how you feel OP. I was like a second parent to my younger siblings. Everyone used to say i was ‘old before my time’ because I was so mature my for my age. As I’ve got older it’s been a lot to unpack that the things I did / saw / dealt with weren’t quite normal. I’ve cut most of my family off now. I always go by just because their family doesn’t mean they’re good for you – the title of a parent only counts if they fulfil there role of mum or dad. Take care of yourself OP, put yourself first and don’t feel guilty for situations you can’t control, it’s a them problem, not a you problem.
Being the oldest is like being the family’s unpaid superhero, right? You do all this stuff and somehow it’s never enough. It’s wild how people forget you’re just trying to live your own life too.
You’re allowed to set boundaries, even if it feels weird at first. Sometimes you have to let people be disappointed so you can actually breathe. It’s not selfish to want your own space and goals. You’re not alone in this—so many oldest siblings are quietly fighting the same battle.
As an older sibling who went through something similar, just buy the car, move out, and stop helping for a couple years. They need to realize they’re being abusive in their expectations of you. Let them actually pay someone to do all the work you’ve been doing for free.
I’m 25, my parents used to treat me this way. When I got my first job, my paychecks went towards their bills, I was suddenly expected to buy all my necessities myself, I felt like I raised my little sister for the first couple years of her life, and any time I brought up going to college, getting my own car, or moving out, it was an argument. I ended up just leaving eventually after a huge fight, we still talk, but they make it my job to reach out to them or make plans.
It makes me sad sometimes, I feel like the runt of the family. But I also know that staying in a home where I felt used and unwanted was worse. It’s hard but sometimes you have to choose to be selfish, it’s best to focus on yourself and your goals in the long term. I waited too long and now I’m 25, finally got my first car last year, and graduate college in 1 year. My future is looking bright, however, it wasn’t done without sacrifices.
OP, it is not an oldest kid thing. It is a whichever-kid-allows-them-to-get-away-with-it thing. I was the middle kid who was in this situation. Learn this lesson. It is not because of X factor, it is because you permit it or assume that it is so (this goes with SO much in life).
Stop permitting it. Way easier said than done, but it can be done. Step up for yourself instead of everyone else around you. They will never step up for you. Take care of yourself.
The good news is that your parents have shaped you into a young adult who is responsible, mature, and ready to build a life of your own.
The bad news is that your parents will do whatever they can to prevent you from ever building a life of your own because they are blinded by their own self-interest.
The other good news is that at your age your parents can’t actually force you to do anything. They can guilt-trip you and try to manipulate you, but you are not obligated to obey. It’s gonna be tough but you have to stand firm and actively choose yourself.
I was youngest of 4. My father passed when i was 5 yo. My oldest sister by 10yrs and my brother 6yrs older never left. My oldest sister took on stuff that wasn’t asked of her. My brother came home after college and didnt ‘leave’ because he said he felt he had to the man of the house. Which is silly because he was a lazy slob. But in truth, from my vantage. They were just afraid, so it was ‘easier’ to act like me/mom and my other sister needed them vs going out into the world. My mom played into it making it easy forbthem to stay. Guess what? I left at 20. Ur family will be fine. U need to go off on ur own. Ur younger siblings are more capable than u think. And tbh, when they see u leave, they’ll know they can as well. Good luck.
You need to move before the car. There are so many alternatives to get around but as the oldest daughter who stayed too long..you will regret it. Move out like your life depends on it, because it does.