I have a close friend I’ve known for 10 years since we were in school. In 2021, I got cheated on quite badly by my ex who had a double life and cheated on me for more than half a year. It was incredibly traumatic and still affects me to this day in many ways. My friend was with me when it happened and saw just how destructive and unfair the situation was.

In the last 2 years our friendship has been really sporadic, I knew her relationship was really tough last year given her ex bf was going to move away in December and they were going to break up when he did but we barely called as she’d been really bad at texting me. In this year we’d called once but she didn’t reply to my birthday wishes for a month and then the follow up saying I was worried for another month so it’s been really hard to keep a friendship going and feeling cared for.

This week after catching up after months of no communication she told me that she’d cheated on her ex boyfriend for 9 months last year by living in her words a double life and having an affair with a guy from work. She said it was already a dead relationship with the ex (though they hadn’t broken up for the entire time she cheated, lived together, went on holidays and he didn’t want to) and that she found it hard to end it in the years prior as he wanted to try and they’d been together for 5years and didn’t want to blow it up and be essentially homeless. The last year was basically a long breakup in her mind though they were still together exclusive according to her ex. Her ex still doesn’t know she cheated on him and she now lives with the person she cheated with and has been with him since the ex moved away in December last year.

I was quite shocked and obviously this hit home really badly however hard I was trying for it not to. I felt awfully disappointed that she did something similar to what was done to me. My first reaction was that I don’t agree with her actions at all and that by not telling him it does remove his agency over his own truth and choice during that time and that it means he’s living a lie. I was trying to be morally lecturing but I felt like I had to say my stance because I couldn’t tell if she was in justification mode or truly upset and I was shocked, triggered and felt disingenuous to be more understanding. She didn’t like it and said if I was a close friend I’d be more understanding, empathetic and ask how she’s feeling/processing it all instead of morally lecturing and being judgemental. She knew in would be tricky for me to hear but it was done now and she didn’t want to hurt her ex and expected better and more openness from a close friend rather than beating her up whilst she’s down and that I didn’t know how the situation actually was. She said she’s felt awful about it but has processed it in the last year and it was like rebringing up something done and talked about (not with me though). She also said it’s complex and people do bad things and many of her friends have done similar things and it happens, it wasn’t done in malice but it just happened like an out of body experience and she didn’t feel like herself last year.

I feel confused and so so guilty and sad if I’ve hurt her and been really out of line, I don’t want her to feel like I’m not a safe person to tell, but at the same time I weirdly feel shocked, slightly betrayed and hurt by her actions and don’t align at all with them and felt like whilst I had empathy I couldn’t lead with it as it felt so false to me. I wasn’t trying to lecture even if maybe it did seem that way but I just had to say that it is that hurtful.

Was I an awful friend and not playing my duties as a close friend by my reaction?

TLDR: close friend confessed she’d cheated on her ex for months. I was upset as I’ve been cheated on before in past and said I wasn’t happy which didn’t go down well. Feel worried I was an awful friend.


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