Hi all,
I could use some advice.
My friend (33F) and I (34F) have been part of a wider group for several years. We’ve always been very close, and she’s also close with another friend in the group. She’s lovely and outgoing, and currently single, while most of the rest of us are in relationships.
I recently announced that I’m getting married, and she’s one of my bridesmaids. Around the same time, she made some big life changes that mean she won’t be around the group as much anymore. Still, she has FOMO and wants to stay included, which we’ve all tried to be mindful of.
But lately, she’s been quite mean to me, like making small, snide comments, contradicting me for no reason (e.g., if I say “let’s go left,” she’ll say “right”), and generally undermining what I say. At first, I brushed it off, but it’s been escalating to the point where I now feel anxious before group meet-ups, especially when I know she’ll be there.
It’s a weird dynamic, it feels like she’s deliberately trying to exclude or challenge me, while still wanting the group (including me) to stay close. I can’t fully make sense of it anymore, and it’s starting to really affect me.
It all came to a head recently when she acted evasive and a bit manipulative about plans I had with other friends, like going around me to try to change the plans behind my back. This behavior has been going on for months.
I’ve decided I want to have a one-on-one drink with her and have an honest conversation. I plan to tell her that I’m hurt by what’s been happening, and to ask if I’ve done something to upset her.
A bit of backstory: I went through something similar about 10 years ago, a group of three friends, one of whom turned on me without ever saying why. The third friend stayed neutral, and I ended up walking away from the group. Years later, that friend told me she regretted not standing up for me — it felt like bullying in hindsight. I don’t want to walk away this time, but I’m starting to feel like I’m in that same situation again.
Any advice please? I want to see whether I can save the friendship, but also don’t want to constantly walk on eggshells.
Also, if anyone can recommend some book I can read on this topic, I find myself often receiving light form of bullying, including at work. There must be something I am doing to enable people to feel they can act like that with me.
TL;DR:
A close friend in my group (I’m 34F, she’s 33F) has been acting cold and subtly mean toward me since I announced my engagement. She’s part of our wider friend group and is a bridesmaid, but lately she’s been contradicting me, making comments, and even going behind my back to change group plans. It’s making me feel anxious and excluded. I want to have a frank, kind conversation with her to clear the air, but I’ve been through a similar situation before where I ended up walking away from a friendship. I don’t want that to happen again. Looking for advice on how to approach this.