my husband (34m) and i (32f) have been together for 10 years. before anyone judges we met when we were in our 20s and have had A LOT of ups and downs. most of it not being our fault, but a lot of fights and toxicity from being dumb kids and having alot of outside influence. we have been through the cheating, lying, etc. and come out successfully on the other side.
we got married in 2021. mostly everything was great with a few growing pain but my parents have been a point of contention between us. i’ve just recently learned how to put up boundaries with them. about two and a half years ago we had an extremely huge blowout regarding some racial politics that my father inserted his opinion on. i would like to also say i am hispanic and my husband is black. i didnt know how to handle putting my father in his place so my husband rightfully blew up on me. but the situation escalated to extreme disrespect. things were said such as “go die. i want a divorce. you’re a ugly spoiled bxtch.” and several other things.
i was done. completely. he kicked me and our new puppy out of the apartment we BOTH pay rent in. i left to stay with my dad and here’s where the shenanigans ensued on my behalf. i was so over everything and fueled by fire i began talking to my ex. and one thing led to another and we were borderline in a relationship for a couple of weeks. meanwhile my separated husband and i were not on speaking terms and i didn’t give a f what he was doing. fast forward, plenty of drama ensued and we both decided to be honest about everything and work through it. he was also having relations with several other women when he found out i was with my ex.
again, fast forward to today. we’ve done the very ugly work of getting back together and facing our demons. a lot of tears. a lot of uncomfortable conversations. so much has happened. and we’ve stuck by each other and supported each other greatly through everything. there has been NO issues, unless obviously something is bothering either of us, then we have free reign to communicate.
well today, we went to go out to eat. we started drinking and i greatly overestimated how much i can drink because im in a calorie deficit and have lost about 10 pounds. i got a little sloppy, but he was kind and took care of me. at some point, i passed out. he decided to go through my phone while i was sleeping and dug up text messages between me and my best friend from over two years ago about me telling her how i was not messing with my ex out spite and greatly dramatizing things to her. i’ve told him time and time again, yes we had chemistry but it was short lived because i was not invested in him. he was more of a means of trying to numb what i was feeling. and yes im aware it’s horrible. again i’ve done and continue to do the work to not make bad choices like this.
my husband is now saying he wants a divorce. that he hates me. and he was looking for what he found. very confusing considering we have zero drama in our relationship anymore. we are honest with each other. when he came to me to talk about this i was confused about what he was even talking about. i had to go look for myself. i told him yes i may have said that and at the time that could have felt true. but doing the work i have recognized where my actions came from. and it was for my need of validation at the time. as i’ve said, he was sleeping around as well, but i don’t talk about it because i feel like my actions are my own and his are his. he also recently stopped being friends with a female who was being disrespectful and saying inappropriate things knowing he’s married. he went to have a conversation with her about it and it blew up and she basically cut him off saying she didn’t want to be an issue. also note, i did NOT ask him to do this. he did this on his own. and i would express to him how i felt about it, but never nagged him to stop being friends with her cause i just don’t really care enough and trust his better judgement. his excuse for going through my phone was “I looked because anytime i cut a woman out of my life i ask if it is worth it cuz i deep down dont trust what u told me”…..
somebody pls tell me how to handle this?? i’m sorry for how long this is but im trying to give as much context as i can about the situation
TL:DR, my husband is bringing up old problems that we have gotten past out of nowhere and is now wanting a divorce.