I (29M) have been dating my girlfriend (33F) for 6 months. Things have been great overall — lots of emotional and physical intimacy, making future plans, meeting friends and coworkers, etc. Early in our relationship, she told me her ex ghosted her and she struggled to get over it.
Back in May, she told me he reached out. She said she wasn’t going to talk to him. I believed her.
Last night, I happened to see her texting someone and she admitted it was him. She offered to show me the messages, so I looked.
Turns out:
– In May, she told him she couldn’t talk that night but would call him tomorrow. She says she tried calling but he didn’t answer.
– In early June, she reached out to him saying she was curious why he wanted to talk.
– He said he just wanted to “catch up.”
– Since then, she’s been curt in her replies but hasn’t blocked him or shut down contact.
She told me she just wants answers about why things ended the way they did, whether he’s married, etc. She said it’s for “closure.” I told her I wasn’t okay with this, especially because she told me she wouldn’t talk to him and then did anyway.
I left her place last night to think. Around midnight, I texted her a clear boundary:
“I’m not okay with you keeping contact with someone you’ve had a romantic history with. Especially after telling me you wouldn’t. What hurts most is that you reached out in June and didn’t tell me. That’s not full honesty, and without trust, we don’t have a relationship. If you need closure more than you need this relationship, that’s your choice, but I won’t be in something with a third person in the middle. If you want us to work, I need full transparency, no further contact, and for you to block him.”
She has not replied all day (it’s now almost 5 PM). No “I need time to think,” no reassurance, nothing.
I’m debating sending her a final message tonight:
“You’ve had more than enough time to respond to a clear boundary. Your silence tells me all I need to know. I’m not going to be in a relationship where trust and respect aren’t mutual. Take care of yourself.”
My questions:
– Should I send this tonight or wait until tomorrow?
– Am I overreacting by ending it if she won’t agree to cut him off?
– Is her silence a clear sign she’s hoping I’ll drop it?
Looking for perspective from people who’ve been in similar situations — both on the trust/closure side and on handling the silence.