Women of reddit, what happened when your parents made you choose between either them or your partner?
August 8, 2025
And how did you deal with it?
24 comments
Can my parents and my partner be part of my life at the same time? Yes. I believe I’m mature enough and have been in therapy long enough to recognize on my own if someone in my life is truly a serious problem and to walk away if needed.
From this point on, anyone who treats this as an either-or choice and tries to pressure me into cutting someone off whom I don’t believe I should **can fuck right off out of my life instead of them.**
My father has already met this side of me. I’m happy to introduce it to anyone else who doesn’t respect my decisions.:)
Anytime anyone has given me the “it’s either me/us or them” has had the same result: I cut contact with the person issuing the ultimatum and trying to dictate my choices. I’ll make my own decisions about who I associate with; my choices about that are not up for debate.
I was disowned for a while a long time ago due to family disagreeing with my relationship at the time. I accepted that and moved on with my life. When they realized I wasn’t coming back and worked through their issues enough to apologize, I chose to rebuild my relationship with them. We have a loving and healthy relationship now and built good boundaries where we respect each other as adults.
Years ago, I chose my then partner and low contact with parents. Then eventually they came around and improved relationship with me (but after I had left that partner)
My parents said they would disown me after I married my husband. I took them at their word, and after 3 months of no contact, they called me.
Theyve never done tht bc they know im picking my husband everytime
He did not make me choose explicitly but implicitly.
When I asked him for a favour just in order to keep them at the background of my life, he initially agreed and then refused.
I still decided to choose him over them and I already knew deep down it was not the right decision.
I wouldn’t say I regret it because living with him made me see him in a better light and our incompatibility at a certain point emerged.
In the end I left him and I’m back at my parents house, hoping I could move out on my own soon.
My parents made mistakes growing up but I can never cut contacts completely with them.
It’s a difficult situation and I hoped he understood, but idk probably I was the one who couldn’t explain it properly
i moved out of my dads house and into an apartment with my partner after having known him for less than 6 months
we have now been together for 10 years and my dad has come around to being supportive of us
My mother changed her mind pretty quickly when she realised I was 100% going to move to another country to be with my partner if she didn’t support me.
Was an easy choice. Chose my partner over them and I always will. I understand that for some people, they try and balance both out but I simply cannot. My relationship with my parents has always been rocky. My partner watched it happen over the last decade- the constant physical and mental abuse, manipulation, robbing me of my money, blaming me for my sister’s issues, holding me accountable for THEIR bad financial decisions. I was just a kid and I gave them everything I had. My partner back then was a kid too and he couldn’t do much except comfort me and let me sleep in his car or take me out to eat. He’s the one that made sure I was fed, heard, secure, loved and appreciated. They badmouthed my partner for taking care of me, insulted him and he still never said a word to them.
We’re both adults now, very financially secure and my parents are still struggling. They often guilt trip me and give me ultimatums to choose between him or them. I always tell them the same thing, I made my choice a long time. They just don’t want to accept it. It’s always him ❤️
Parents think they can disrespect you and your partner even in your own home. It’s disgusting I won’t take it I’m old enough to know they can piss right off and live their own sad life by themselves. Life goes on
My parents didn’t explicitly say it, but they were extremely judgemental initially, even more than my partner’s parents. I was FIGHTING it!! We were fighting it! Lol
I don’t understand why they couldn’t just save their judgment until AFTER meeting him irl (same for his parents). It’s ironic bc my parents thought he was trying to use me, and his parents thought I was trying to use him.
Anyway, they changed their minds after *actually* spending time with him because they could see he was genuine (and vice versa with his parents)
It probably doesn’t help that I don’t tell my parents anything about my personal life (wonder why… Bc they just judge lol), so they probably think I had 0% experience in such stuff 💀
My father **absolutely hated** my first husband. Something about him just rubbed my father the wrong way. I am his only daughter and was an absolute daddy’s girl! However, he went so far as to whisper to me while walking me down the aisle that “It’s not too late. You don’t have to do this. You can back out!”
That wasn’t enough for me to go no contact with my dad. It wasn’t until I was pregnant and my father ranted to me about how I was ruining my life. I finally had enough (because my father said very mean things about my unborn son) and I cut contact.
Four years later, my father died unexpectedly. We did not get to resolve our differences. I thought I had more time. It was very difficult for me to handle. My husband (at the time, he’s now my ex) did not handle my grief well. I stopped cooking, cleaning, and went to work and came home (but nothing more) for a couple of weeks. My (now ex) husband yelled at me to get the fuck over my father’s death. That my father was an asshole who never loved me. All sorts of horrible things.
My father’s death was a catalyst for me to change my life. It also inspired my ex to plot to take my life for the life insurance and inheritance money. I literally dodged bullets from my ex and had to escape. He drained our bank accounts, hired expensive lawyers, ruined my credit history and rental history. His family came from money, whereas mine did not. There was no inheritance when my father died, despite my ex-husband demanding that inheritance.
I’ve been divorced from my ex for over a decade and remarried. I’m still dealing with the aftermath of what my ex did. I lost everything, but did gain my freedom and peace. That is priceless to me!
I wish I would have listened to my father. I wish I never married my ex. The abuse and hell I went through was not worth it. My father was absolutely right about my ex-husband. I wish he were alive for me to tell him that I am sorry I did not listen….
I don’t do ultimatums. Mom is the one that taught me you don’t give someone an ultimatum if you’re not prepared to lose. Mom also knew me well enough to know I’m not the person to give an ultimatum to because I’ll chose the partner out of spite.
My partner did that to me. Luckily, I left but it took time to repair the broken relationship I had with my parents.
It wasn’t exactly a choice between my partner and family, but rather my family was forcing me to choose religion over my partner.
No idea why they thought that someone who openly hates going to the church and never showed any devoutness would give up their partner, university and life abroad just so some imaginary entity up in the sky isn’t mad at me lol.
Later after I explicitly said that I don’t give a single f*ck about religious rules (I was already an atheist at that point) and I’m always gonna pick my partner, my mother told me it would be better if I was dying of a terminal illness than if I kept living in sin 💀 so I went LC.
Things are getting slowly better but it’s never gonna be like before. Some things, even if forgivable, aren’t forgettable.
Before cutting ties, what are your parents real fear behind that statement?
I didn’t choose. I told everyone that I loved them all and wouldn’t be taking sides. One family member became very demanding but I stuck to my guns. No one was going to tell me what to do.
FAFO
I’ve been called cold for cutting people out of my life. The reality is I have anxiety. It’s either me or them. I protect their peace or I protect my own.
In this specific instance, I chose to protect my peace because I knew I had a real shot at happiness. I felt I did my due diligence. And I knew not finding out if it would work out would eat at me on the what ifs. I decided that seemed worse. So I went for it despite my family’s “disapproval.” To be fair outside of my own mother whose criticism I consider valid.
The majority of my family’s interest in me, I viewed as performative. They all disappeared as soon as the “drama” was over and they all did it to get a shot at my mother. I’ve made my peace with that.
My mother is still a skeptic. But me leaving improved our relationship. She has finally stopped accusing my partner of being abusive towards me. (She blamed him for why I wasn’t speaking to her or the family. I’ve defended him)
Once she acknowledged that my childhood was effected by a great deal of factors that’s too lengthy to get into. The real reason I cut family out was because I had to process a great deal of trauma and bottled emotions. The person who was there every step of the way is my current partner. My family was not there because I didn’t feel safe to confide in them. They have to live with that decision.
The family that matters I have a continued relationship with. The others are yet to be determined. The ball has always been in their court. I just stopped jumping backwards for them to treat me as family should be.
Someone making such a demand is cut out of my life. It’s as easy as that.
My husband had the same choice, and he’s no contact to his family for years!
I have wonderful parents. They saw what I couldn’t as I was love blind. I am glad they talked me out of that relationship. Decade later… I am so glad for trusting my parents judgment
Thankfully that hasn’t happened. But my in laws were doing some weird stuff it got to the point where my husband told them if they keep it up he’s going to have to choose and they won’t like his choice.
They changed real fast after that.
We didn’t talk for the next 8 years. They only apologized after finding out second hand that I got married to my same sex partner and father had a health scare.
I would definitely suggest choosing the side who is not trying to force you into something you’re not willingly choosing.
Parents who would force their kid to do this are not good parents.
24 comments
Can my parents and my partner be part of my life at the same time? Yes. I believe I’m mature enough and have been in therapy long enough to recognize on my own if someone in my life is truly a serious problem and to walk away if needed.
From this point on, anyone who treats this as an either-or choice and tries to pressure me into cutting someone off whom I don’t believe I should **can fuck right off out of my life instead of them.**
My father has already met this side of me. I’m happy to introduce it to anyone else who doesn’t respect my decisions.:)
Anytime anyone has given me the “it’s either me/us or them” has had the same result: I cut contact with the person issuing the ultimatum and trying to dictate my choices. I’ll make my own decisions about who I associate with; my choices about that are not up for debate.
I was disowned for a while a long time ago due to family disagreeing with my relationship at the time. I accepted that and moved on with my life. When they realized I wasn’t coming back and worked through their issues enough to apologize, I chose to rebuild my relationship with them. We have a loving and healthy relationship now and built good boundaries where we respect each other as adults.
Years ago, I chose my then partner and low contact with parents. Then eventually they came around and improved relationship with me (but after I had left that partner)
My parents said they would disown me after I married my husband. I took them at their word, and after 3 months of no contact, they called me.
Theyve never done tht bc they know im picking my husband everytime
He did not make me choose explicitly but implicitly.
When I asked him for a favour just in order to keep them at the background of my life, he initially agreed and then refused.
I still decided to choose him over them and I already knew deep down it was not the right decision.
I wouldn’t say I regret it because living with him made me see him in a better light and our incompatibility at a certain point emerged.
In the end I left him and I’m back at my parents house, hoping I could move out on my own soon.
My parents made mistakes growing up but I can never cut contacts completely with them.
It’s a difficult situation and I hoped he understood, but idk probably I was the one who couldn’t explain it properly
i moved out of my dads house and into an apartment with my partner after having known him for less than 6 months
we have now been together for 10 years and my dad has come around to being supportive of us
My mother changed her mind pretty quickly when she realised I was 100% going to move to another country to be with my partner if she didn’t support me.
Was an easy choice. Chose my partner over them and I always will. I understand that for some people, they try and balance both out but I simply cannot. My relationship with my parents has always been rocky. My partner watched it happen over the last decade- the constant physical and mental abuse, manipulation, robbing me of my money, blaming me for my sister’s issues, holding me accountable for THEIR bad financial decisions. I was just a kid and I gave them everything I had. My partner back then was a kid too and he couldn’t do much except comfort me and let me sleep in his car or take me out to eat. He’s the one that made sure I was fed, heard, secure, loved and appreciated. They badmouthed my partner for taking care of me, insulted him and he still never said a word to them.
We’re both adults now, very financially secure and my parents are still struggling. They often guilt trip me and give me ultimatums to choose between him or them. I always tell them the same thing, I made my choice a long time. They just don’t want to accept it. It’s always him ❤️
Parents think they can disrespect you and your partner even in your own home. It’s disgusting I won’t take it I’m old enough to know they can piss right off and live their own sad life by themselves. Life goes on
My parents didn’t explicitly say it, but they were extremely judgemental initially, even more than my partner’s parents. I was FIGHTING it!! We were fighting it! Lol
I don’t understand why they couldn’t just save their judgment until AFTER meeting him irl (same for his parents). It’s ironic bc my parents thought he was trying to use me, and his parents thought I was trying to use him.
Anyway, they changed their minds after *actually* spending time with him because they could see he was genuine (and vice versa with his parents)
It probably doesn’t help that I don’t tell my parents anything about my personal life (wonder why… Bc they just judge lol), so they probably think I had 0% experience in such stuff 💀
My father **absolutely hated** my first husband. Something about him just rubbed my father the wrong way. I am his only daughter and was an absolute daddy’s girl! However, he went so far as to whisper to me while walking me down the aisle that “It’s not too late. You don’t have to do this. You can back out!”
That wasn’t enough for me to go no contact with my dad. It wasn’t until I was pregnant and my father ranted to me about how I was ruining my life. I finally had enough (because my father said very mean things about my unborn son) and I cut contact.
Four years later, my father died unexpectedly. We did not get to resolve our differences. I thought I had more time. It was very difficult for me to handle. My husband (at the time, he’s now my ex) did not handle my grief well. I stopped cooking, cleaning, and went to work and came home (but nothing more) for a couple of weeks. My (now ex) husband yelled at me to get the fuck over my father’s death. That my father was an asshole who never loved me. All sorts of horrible things.
My father’s death was a catalyst for me to change my life. It also inspired my ex to plot to take my life for the life insurance and inheritance money. I literally dodged bullets from my ex and had to escape. He drained our bank accounts, hired expensive lawyers, ruined my credit history and rental history. His family came from money, whereas mine did not. There was no inheritance when my father died, despite my ex-husband demanding that inheritance.
I’ve been divorced from my ex for over a decade and remarried. I’m still dealing with the aftermath of what my ex did. I lost everything, but did gain my freedom and peace. That is priceless to me!
I wish I would have listened to my father. I wish I never married my ex. The abuse and hell I went through was not worth it. My father was absolutely right about my ex-husband. I wish he were alive for me to tell him that I am sorry I did not listen….
I don’t do ultimatums. Mom is the one that taught me you don’t give someone an ultimatum if you’re not prepared to lose. Mom also knew me well enough to know I’m not the person to give an ultimatum to because I’ll chose the partner out of spite.
My partner did that to me. Luckily, I left but it took time to repair the broken relationship I had with my parents.
It wasn’t exactly a choice between my partner and family, but rather my family was forcing me to choose religion over my partner.
No idea why they thought that someone who openly hates going to the church and never showed any devoutness would give up their partner, university and life abroad just so some imaginary entity up in the sky isn’t mad at me lol.
Later after I explicitly said that I don’t give a single f*ck about religious rules (I was already an atheist at that point) and I’m always gonna pick my partner, my mother told me it would be better if I was dying of a terminal illness than if I kept living in sin 💀 so I went LC.
Things are getting slowly better but it’s never gonna be like before. Some things, even if forgivable, aren’t forgettable.
Before cutting ties, what are your parents real fear behind that statement?
I didn’t choose. I told everyone that I loved them all and wouldn’t be taking sides. One family member became very demanding but I stuck to my guns. No one was going to tell me what to do.
FAFO
I’ve been called cold for cutting people out of my life. The reality is I have anxiety. It’s either me or them. I protect their peace or I protect my own.
In this specific instance, I chose to protect my peace because I knew I had a real shot at happiness. I felt I did my due diligence. And I knew not finding out if it would work out would eat at me on the what ifs. I decided that seemed worse. So I went for it despite my family’s “disapproval.” To be fair outside of my own mother whose criticism I consider valid.
The majority of my family’s interest in me, I viewed as performative. They all disappeared as soon as the “drama” was over and they all did it to get a shot at my mother. I’ve made my peace with that.
My mother is still a skeptic. But me leaving improved our relationship. She has finally stopped accusing my partner of being abusive towards me. (She blamed him for why I wasn’t speaking to her or the family. I’ve defended him)
Once she acknowledged that my childhood was effected by a great deal of factors that’s too lengthy to get into. The real reason I cut family out was because I had to process a great deal of trauma and bottled emotions. The person who was there every step of the way is my current partner. My family was not there because I didn’t feel safe to confide in them. They have to live with that decision.
The family that matters I have a continued relationship with. The others are yet to be determined. The ball has always been in their court. I just stopped jumping backwards for them to treat me as family should be.
Someone making such a demand is cut out of my life. It’s as easy as that.
My husband had the same choice, and he’s no contact to his family for years!
I have wonderful parents. They saw what I couldn’t as I was love blind. I am glad they talked me out of that relationship. Decade later… I am so glad for trusting my parents judgment
Thankfully that hasn’t happened. But my in laws were doing some weird stuff it got to the point where my husband told them if they keep it up he’s going to have to choose and they won’t like his choice.
They changed real fast after that.
We didn’t talk for the next 8 years. They only apologized after finding out second hand that I got married to my same sex partner and father had a health scare.
I would definitely suggest choosing the side who is not trying to force you into something you’re not willingly choosing.
Parents who would force their kid to do this are not good parents.
Sucks big time but my mother was right about him…