Married women, what do you mean by “mental load” in marriage and parenting?
August 7, 2025
Im F,30, engaged, and I am confused about married women who say they bear an un-equal amount of the “mental load” in their marriage & parenting.
21 comments
In a lot of marriages, women become the default family manager. Keeping track of birthdays, planning holiday celebrations, managing doctor appointments and prescriptions, signing up the kids for extracurriculars, doing the meal planning and shopping, paying the bills, etc…that’s the unpaid labor/mental load that a lot of married women bear alone without independent help from their partner.
The unseen responsibilities that so often fall to women.
Meal planning, managing kids schedules (activities! Sports! Play dates! What’s needed for the school project? Do we have to send a treat in for the party? Signing permission forms), remembering to schedule doctor’s appointments, knowing what is in the house (inventory), remembering birthdays and to buy cards and gifts and plan the parties etc…. The admin of life which should be shared by both partners.
Not married, but what this means is the planning, logistics, scheduling, etc. that goes on in managing a household + children.
Whose the one getting presents for birthdays/holidays/etc? Whose the one doing all the shopping? Whose the one making grocery lists? Whose the one doing all the cleaning? Whose the one taking care of appointments for doctors/dentists/car services/etc? Whose the one who is actively taking care of the children, having to literally parent them, discipline/teach/etc? Whose the one who is making note of all the shit that needs to be done around the house? Whose the one picking/dropping off kids from school/after school activities? Whose the one actively keeping tabs on the family schedule/calendar? So on and so on and so on….
Most of the time, a lot of it falls on women. Which is why it is so important that you choose your partner wisely. Getting married, having a partner for the long haul, is the biggest most important decision you will make in your life. So choose wisely.
Men typically get uo from bed and go to work and spend the whole day at work. Then come home to dinner on the table or being cooked. Kids are ready for bed and house is in a ok state. Who is the one who books hospital appointments, arranges time off work to attend, think of the shopping do the shopping. Remember the bins need to go out and which one. Birthday gifts for family members. Making sure have a stock in of nappies, formula, the favourite meals, the dinners. All while holding down a job
Think of it as project management. It’s remembering to do tasks, anticipating what needs to be done, recognizing what needs to be done, scheduling things, planning. All of these take mental effort but you don’t physically see that effort. Many men (of course not all) don’t do things unless they are specifically told to. The woman (again, not all) is the one scheduling things, and reminding the man or asking thean to do a task is still a task in itself. Thus the woman becomes the manager of the house. Then this is seen as “nagging,” but if they don’t ask it doesn’t get done. Lots of stories on Reddit where the man thinks he’s doing a lot, but as soon as the woman stops managing things he does nothing.
Me and my partner have ADD, so the mental load is really tough for me. I just want him to think of things on his own and do them so I don’t have to worry about it. For a long time that worry was only on me.
This is of course all a generalization and sometimes roles are reversed.
My husband focuses on himself when he gets up in the morning. He can travel for work and doesn’t worry about having to arrange back up care.
When I get up in the morning I have to get myself ready, get my son ready, make sure I take something out for dinner. Make sure the daycare has extra clothes, diapers, wipes etc. if my son gets sent home sick or the daycare closes that’s on me. I can’t adjust my schedule because of daycare pick up. My husband will help if I ask but I have to ask and I have to explain what needs to be done. Having to delegate the tasks is just another thing for me to do .
It’s all the little things that require thought to keep a household running. You’re not just doing the laundry. You are keeping track of how often the laundry needs doing, keeping inventory on laundry supplies, what clothes the kids are outgrowing, which pieces of clothing you need to throw out, what clothing items you need to replace, where to store the clothing. Someone has to think about all this stuff and it often falls upon the woman.
A big clue as to whether you carry the mental load is if hear yourself saying, “He’s really helpful, but I need to ask him to do things.” The mental load of knowing what needs to be done is labor.
I have to admit it didn’t really hit me as a concept until after we had kids. We thought we had a pretty equal marriage, but kids threw that out the window. Happy to report it’s a lot better now.
My partner and I share the mental load.
It’s stuff like remembering to buy clothes for the kids bc they’ve grown out of them, making the dentist and doctor appointments (not just taking them), remembering to sign up for the sport/school year, remembering to clean bathing suits for water play at school, rsvping to kids birthday party (not taking them) etc.
When you don’t have kids it’s stuff like planning the vacation, making sure your doctor’s appointments are made and you have clean clothes. Lots of people have partners that just wouldn’t do anything bc their partner does everything. Like they’ll wake up in the morning and realize they have no clean clothes. Our house also needs home admin tasks done so we are thinking ahead on those things too. Like filing for our state’s tax rebate so we can some money back on our insane property taxes.
The “mental load” is all the non-physical stuff you do to get through life. It’s actually a really simple concept. So while making the appointment is the mental load, taking them to the appointment is part of the physical load.
For me, it’s things like:
-being the only one who has to plan dinner every day and get/make it
-being the one who gets the kids up, ready, and to school everyday. Being the one who picks them up. Being the one who knows their schedules and gets them to where they need to be. Being the one who knows who their teachers are, what supplies they need, what field trips they have, what events they need to be at.
-making all of the appointments for the kids and being the one who needs to take time off to take them.
-being the one who is contacted about all things kids related.
-being the one who has to keep track of all family events and what we need to do/bring for them.
-being the one who has to make sure we’re not out of something, and if we are, being the one who has to go out and get it.
-being the one who notices when the trash needs to go out, the dishes need to be washed, the toilet needs to be cleaned, etc.
-being the one who has to plan all trips and pack everything for everyone, except for husband. He does his own packing and nothing else to prepare.
Basically, all of the things he had no problem doing when he was single, but suddenly has forgotten how to do them or can’t communicate about them.
We both work full-time, but somehow all of these things fall to me, and if I try to offload things onto him, even with a list (which I have to create), he will forget to do them or do them wrong. Not like, oh, they didn’t fold the laundry right. More like, we needed a small tree cut down, and after showing him which one, he still somehow started cutting down the wrong tree.
It’s when your partner says “don’t worry about it! I’m on it” and you definitely still worry
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It’s being like the manager of the house, I’d say.
My husband is good about doing things I ask him to do, but I have to ask.
I maintain the grocery list and handle the shopping. I am the one who loads and runs the dishwasher about 80% of the time. I plan dinners, even though the cooking is split (last night I made pasta, tonight I’m telling him to make chicken quesadillas).
I keep track of birthdays and holidays coming up and make sure we have gifts.
When it comes to childcare, I do most of the stuff for our son – morning routine and daycare drop off, daycare pick up, making his lunches. My husband does bath time and I do bedtime books. I’m the one who makes doctors appointments and takes our son.
I don’t feel like it’s necessarily a bad thing, but it does get frustrating when my husband doesn’t acknowledge all the work I’m doing.
The mental load is project management for the entire household.
Many women who talk about bearing the mental load for their families are handling all of the household and personal management tasks for an entire home full of people. These are all tasks that would have staff people being paid for them in a situation outside of a family. Things like tracking and managing schedules, setting appointments, arranging and managing transportation, keeping track of the inventory of groceries, purchasing groceries, keeping track of all of the household chores and handling those chores, etc. these are the invisible things that make a place run successfully. In a business, you’d have an office manager to handle all of these types of tasks and maybe a project manager or other specialists for specific tasks. In a home, you generally have the adult members of that home available to take on these tasks. In many homes, that means that the woman takes on the majority of the mental load because that is often considered part of her social role as a married woman.
If a person in the household is able to simply wake up, do their personal maintenance tasks, go about their day, come home, enjoy a meal, and go to bed without ever having to think about or worry about any of the things that are happening in the running of that home to make those things available to them, they are not participating in managing the household mental load.
The mental load refers to the work that needs to be done outside of physically executing the task. For example, grocery shopping. Going to the store and getting items is the physical task, but who takes stock of the pantry? Who takes note of if the household is running low on toilet paper, laundry detergent, or other items? Who is planning the meals for the week so you know what to buy? Who makes the list for whoever will physically go to the store? Who is comparing prices or checking sales to try and save money?
Parenting wise it refers to things like: Do you know when your kid last saw a dentist/doctor? Medical appointments need to be scheduled weeks in advance usually, so someone is keeping mental track of when the last appointment was, if the next appointment has been scheduled, and when that next appointment is. Who are their teachers? What after school activities are coming up and who is taking care of signing up and paying fees? Who is tracking school events like field trips and field days? Parents usually need to remember to sign permission slips and ensure their kid brings it to school. Maybe your kid needs a specific item brought to school on a specific day. Who is tracking that and making sure your kid remembers to bring it? Are there parent teacher conferences scheduled? Which parent will attend? Your kid has a playdate at the park on Saturday. Who is coordinating drop off and pickup? Does a parent need to stay and be present during the play date? Are there any activities happening during the play date that your kid may need money for? How much are those activities going to cost? Does a lunch need to be packed or does the kid need money to buy lunch? Is the weather supposed to be nice or is there a chance of rain? That mental note is taken so you can make sure your kid doesn’t wear a T-shirt to go play at the park in 50F weather.
It’s typically women who complain because they are the ones keeping track of all this. Husband may physically go to the grocery store, but if the wife didn’t know the house was running low on toilet paper and add it to the list you may be sitting on the toilet when you finally realize you’re out. Dad may drop off the kid to school, but did he remember it’s picture day and make sure their kid has a nice shirt on and hair brushed?
Good partners, men and women, keep mental track of the details to ensure they’re properly prepared. They don’t make their partner remember it all by themselves, they equally prepare for things.
I explain it as this scenario:
Say we are invited to a friend’s child’s birthday party a couple of towns over. It’s a potluck and it’s outside at a park. I let my husband know, and he notes the date in his calendar. The day of the party, I ask him to help me get our child ready for the party. He asks me, “what should he wear? Where are his shoes? Does he need sunscreen on? Where are my green shorts? Have you seen my baseball cap? Do we have any granola bars?”
Meanwhile, behind the scenes, I purchased and wrapped a gift for the party, packed snacks for our child, packed essentials in the diaper bag, did the laundry to ensure we’d all have clean clothes for the day, made a list/shopped for/prepared the snack we were asked to bring, managed our appointments/plans for the rest of the day to make sure nothing overlapped, shopped for/prepped dinner so it wouldn’t be a big rush for dinner and bedtime once we got home, and made sure the house was tidy. All the while, fielding questions from the other parent who lives in the same house about simple tasks that are a daily part of our life.
Unfortunately, this is a real scenario that I’ve lived through. Most of these behind the scenes tasks and instances of labor fall on women, especially moms. It’s really important to choose a partner who understands this and does not want to be complicit in you being the primary parent and adult.
Do you remind your partner about upcoming events, his friends’ and family’s birthdays? Do you remind him about doctor appointments? Do you buy presents for his family members? Do you remind him to take out the trash? Do you remind him that you’re running out of milk or toothpaste?
My partner is absolute fantastic and incredibly competent and takes initiative when it comes to cleaning. That said, I take on more of the mental load. I don’t mind it most of the time. And, when I do mind, I tell him to take it off my plate and he’ll handle it. In my experience, a lot of dudes will not.
I handle all the finances, pay all the bills, I handle the mortgage and escrow accounts, and the car titles are both in my name and so is the insurance. I also handle the retirement plans (401k, HSA, Savings, Roth IRA, and our brokerage account). He runs two businesses. So he is handling an entirely different set of financials and I like to keep them as separate as possible. It doesn’t make sense for us to split the personal finances as it would be too many cooks.
I make a mental note of when we are about to run out of anything. My husband would absolutely go out and buy toilet paper or laundry detergent if we ran out. But I make a mental note of when we are running low on anything and get it before we ever run out. This is every household good and hygiene product, including things exclusively used by my partner.
When it comes to planning trips, I am the person who books everything. Because I handle the credit cards, I also handle all the travel miles and will book things at either a steep discount or for free using the points. I’ll forward the travel details to his account but he’s going to ask me a dozen times when we need to leave for the airport and with what airline. When our friends (mutual) get married, it’s just assumed I will book everything, know the dates/times, and be in charge of planning and keeping us on schedule. However, if we are camping, he will 100% take over. I love getting in the car having only packed my bag and he’s packed all the food, supplies, booked the campsite, and drives my carefree ass to the campground. Sometimes I don’t even know what city we’re travelling to. He handles the schedule and all the details and I’m oblivious. It’s a nice switch up.
I have booked every single vet appointment for our dog. I found the vet, I am the one who gets the reminder emails, I am the one who handles the medication, and I handle all the grooming appointments. However, my husband takes much more responsibility for the day-to-day care of the dog. He exercises her way more than I do and I am very appreciative of that in this 100 degree heat wave.
I have been in previous relationships where my partners expected me to pack their bags for them on trips. They’d ask annoying questions like “did we pack an extra phone charger” and I’m like “What is this ‘we’? You didn’t pack shit!”. They’d not have a clean workshirt and somehow they’d want to make it my responsibility. Booking boyfriends medical appointments and then making sure they got to their appointment is something I’m not doing any more. I had an ex whose sister was the one who got married. He was in the wedding party. Yet, I was in charge of getting his suit together, scheduling his fitting and finding the tailor, making sure he showed up to everything on time because god forbid he read an email, and was the one who bought and wrapped the gift. He didn’t even know what “we” got his sister for her wedding gift. I have had exes who I couldn’t rely on going grocery shopping on their own. I would have to “make them a list”. Meanwhile I regularly swing by the store on the way home because it’s convenient. My husband is a wonderful cook and an excellent host. When he plans a meal or an event, I can lay back and relax. He’ll do everything and I’m not on the hook for his plans. Meanwhile previous partners have invited people over and if I don’t handle it, it isn’t getting done. They’ll have zero food, performed no cleaning, and are stumped as to why it didn’t just magically happen.
I asked my husband to text the landlord about our broken dishwasher three weeks ago. He still hasn’t done it 🙃
Is it easy? Yes. But I’m refusing to do it because I do all the “easy” things and the easy things add up to hard work
My husband knows I like cooking and I’m good at it therefore I’m the default chef of the house. However, I hate everything that goes into preparing meals for the family. It’s not the physical work of chopping, cooking, and tidying, it’s the mental math to get there.
To cook dinner one must consider what’s in the cupboards, the different tastes/dietary restrictions of everyone eating, which dishes are clean, timing of prep and when dinner will be ready, what ingredients need to be prepped, preheating the hob/oven, what in the cupboard needs to be used up soon, what’s been eaten recently, plus the added complexities of ensuring balanced diets and overall healthiness. And that’s before any of the actual cooking happens. I work all day and have a toddler, I’m mentally exhausted.
Now imagine that every single night for YEARS. Kids in the picture? More people to feed, more opinions to note, plus people yapping at you and asking questions the entire time. It doesnt seem like a lot at first, until you start feeling the repetition.
Further, when my husband asks “how can I help” that adds MORE mental load because then I have to decide what I can delegate and then have to explain what needs doing and quite frankly it’s usually easier and faster to do it myself. Ask someone to chop an onion? “How many?” “Diced or sliced?” “Is this small enough?” “Are you sure we don’t need more?” “Where should I put this?” “Do you still need the cutting board?” “Where’s the knife?”… 🥲
I’ve talked to my husband and stepdaughters about this and they’re starting to get it. Yesterday I was cooking dinner and my stepdaughter came in and just started doing the dishes without having to ask or be told what to help with. It was magical ✨️ (she’s 22, it’s taken a decade to get here lmao)
My marriage is fine but I’m used to doing most of it but my sister talks about working full time and being the only one who bathes the kids, cooks, cleans, does laundry, plans kids events (birthdays/holidays/weekend fun), hauls the kids to sporting events, shops for family, etc.
A lot of weight gets dropped on women, especially moms in marriages (not all marriages) and it’s much harder if they work too. I’m a SAHM so I do not see that side but I’m sure I would too.
An example for me is: we were going to a wedding, my husband got himself ready and spent most the time in the bathroom. I got the 4 kids (ages 7 and under) and myself ready. Women do most of the behind the scene work.
I am the wife. I’m also he maid, the secretary, the cook (most of the time if we don’t order out), the primary parent etc. I also have to constantly manage my husband. If we have to be somewhere early I wake him up, pack, get the baby ready.
All the little details and lists that wouldn’t get thought about otherwise. Do we have enough or the correct laundry? What’s in the pantry? What’s for dinner? Does it meet the preferences of my husband and baby or is husband fending for himself? Does baby have enough diapers, forumla, solids, wipes, clothes etc.
Did baby get his medicated creams for his eczema. Or a bath?
Granted I AM a SAHM but I was doing a lot of this stuff when I was working and pregnant too.
21 comments
In a lot of marriages, women become the default family manager. Keeping track of birthdays, planning holiday celebrations, managing doctor appointments and prescriptions, signing up the kids for extracurriculars, doing the meal planning and shopping, paying the bills, etc…that’s the unpaid labor/mental load that a lot of married women bear alone without independent help from their partner.
The unseen responsibilities that so often fall to women.
Meal planning, managing kids schedules (activities! Sports! Play dates! What’s needed for the school project? Do we have to send a treat in for the party? Signing permission forms), remembering to schedule doctor’s appointments, knowing what is in the house (inventory), remembering birthdays and to buy cards and gifts and plan the parties etc…. The admin of life which should be shared by both partners.
Not married, but what this means is the planning, logistics, scheduling, etc. that goes on in managing a household + children.
Whose the one getting presents for birthdays/holidays/etc? Whose the one doing all the shopping? Whose the one making grocery lists? Whose the one doing all the cleaning? Whose the one taking care of appointments for doctors/dentists/car services/etc? Whose the one who is actively taking care of the children, having to literally parent them, discipline/teach/etc? Whose the one who is making note of all the shit that needs to be done around the house? Whose the one picking/dropping off kids from school/after school activities? Whose the one actively keeping tabs on the family schedule/calendar? So on and so on and so on….
Most of the time, a lot of it falls on women. Which is why it is so important that you choose your partner wisely. Getting married, having a partner for the long haul, is the biggest most important decision you will make in your life. So choose wisely.
Men typically get uo from bed and go to work and spend the whole day at work. Then come home to dinner on the table or being cooked. Kids are ready for bed and house is in a ok state. Who is the one who books hospital appointments, arranges time off work to attend, think of the shopping do the shopping. Remember the bins need to go out and which one. Birthday gifts for family members. Making sure have a stock in of nappies, formula, the favourite meals, the dinners. All while holding down a job
Think of it as project management. It’s remembering to do tasks, anticipating what needs to be done, recognizing what needs to be done, scheduling things, planning. All of these take mental effort but you don’t physically see that effort. Many men (of course not all) don’t do things unless they are specifically told to. The woman (again, not all) is the one scheduling things, and reminding the man or asking thean to do a task is still a task in itself. Thus the woman becomes the manager of the house. Then this is seen as “nagging,” but if they don’t ask it doesn’t get done. Lots of stories on Reddit where the man thinks he’s doing a lot, but as soon as the woman stops managing things he does nothing.
Me and my partner have ADD, so the mental load is really tough for me. I just want him to think of things on his own and do them so I don’t have to worry about it. For a long time that worry was only on me.
This is of course all a generalization and sometimes roles are reversed.
My husband focuses on himself when he gets up in the morning. He can travel for work and doesn’t worry about having to arrange back up care.
When I get up in the morning I have to get myself ready, get my son ready, make sure I take something out for dinner. Make sure the daycare has extra clothes, diapers, wipes etc. if my son gets sent home sick or the daycare closes that’s on me. I can’t adjust my schedule because of daycare pick up. My husband will help if I ask but I have to ask and I have to explain what needs to be done. Having to delegate the tasks is just another thing for me to do .
It’s all the little things that require thought to keep a household running. You’re not just doing the laundry. You are keeping track of how often the laundry needs doing, keeping inventory on laundry supplies, what clothes the kids are outgrowing, which pieces of clothing you need to throw out, what clothing items you need to replace, where to store the clothing. Someone has to think about all this stuff and it often falls upon the woman.
A big clue as to whether you carry the mental load is if hear yourself saying, “He’s really helpful, but I need to ask him to do things.” The mental load of knowing what needs to be done is labor.
I have to admit it didn’t really hit me as a concept until after we had kids. We thought we had a pretty equal marriage, but kids threw that out the window. Happy to report it’s a lot better now.
My partner and I share the mental load.
It’s stuff like remembering to buy clothes for the kids bc they’ve grown out of them, making the dentist and doctor appointments (not just taking them), remembering to sign up for the sport/school year, remembering to clean bathing suits for water play at school, rsvping to kids birthday party (not taking them) etc.
When you don’t have kids it’s stuff like planning the vacation, making sure your doctor’s appointments are made and you have clean clothes. Lots of people have partners that just wouldn’t do anything bc their partner does everything. Like they’ll wake up in the morning and realize they have no clean clothes. Our house also needs home admin tasks done so we are thinking ahead on those things too. Like filing for our state’s tax rebate so we can some money back on our insane property taxes.
The “mental load” is all the non-physical stuff you do to get through life. It’s actually a really simple concept. So while making the appointment is the mental load, taking them to the appointment is part of the physical load.
For me, it’s things like:
-being the only one who has to plan dinner every day and get/make it
-being the one who gets the kids up, ready, and to school everyday. Being the one who picks them up. Being the one who knows their schedules and gets them to where they need to be. Being the one who knows who their teachers are, what supplies they need, what field trips they have, what events they need to be at.
-making all of the appointments for the kids and being the one who needs to take time off to take them.
-being the one who is contacted about all things kids related.
-being the one who has to keep track of all family events and what we need to do/bring for them.
-being the one who has to make sure we’re not out of something, and if we are, being the one who has to go out and get it.
-being the one who notices when the trash needs to go out, the dishes need to be washed, the toilet needs to be cleaned, etc.
-being the one who has to plan all trips and pack everything for everyone, except for husband. He does his own packing and nothing else to prepare.
Basically, all of the things he had no problem doing when he was single, but suddenly has forgotten how to do them or can’t communicate about them.
We both work full-time, but somehow all of these things fall to me, and if I try to offload things onto him, even with a list (which I have to create), he will forget to do them or do them wrong. Not like, oh, they didn’t fold the laundry right. More like, we needed a small tree cut down, and after showing him which one, he still somehow started cutting down the wrong tree.
It’s when your partner says “don’t worry about it! I’m on it” and you definitely still worry
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It’s being like the manager of the house, I’d say.
My husband is good about doing things I ask him to do, but I have to ask.
I maintain the grocery list and handle the shopping. I am the one who loads and runs the dishwasher about 80% of the time. I plan dinners, even though the cooking is split (last night I made pasta, tonight I’m telling him to make chicken quesadillas).
I keep track of birthdays and holidays coming up and make sure we have gifts.
When it comes to childcare, I do most of the stuff for our son – morning routine and daycare drop off, daycare pick up, making his lunches. My husband does bath time and I do bedtime books. I’m the one who makes doctors appointments and takes our son.
I don’t feel like it’s necessarily a bad thing, but it does get frustrating when my husband doesn’t acknowledge all the work I’m doing.
The mental load is project management for the entire household.
Many women who talk about bearing the mental load for their families are handling all of the household and personal management tasks for an entire home full of people. These are all tasks that would have staff people being paid for them in a situation outside of a family. Things like tracking and managing schedules, setting appointments, arranging and managing transportation, keeping track of the inventory of groceries, purchasing groceries, keeping track of all of the household chores and handling those chores, etc. these are the invisible things that make a place run successfully. In a business, you’d have an office manager to handle all of these types of tasks and maybe a project manager or other specialists for specific tasks. In a home, you generally have the adult members of that home available to take on these tasks. In many homes, that means that the woman takes on the majority of the mental load because that is often considered part of her social role as a married woman.
If a person in the household is able to simply wake up, do their personal maintenance tasks, go about their day, come home, enjoy a meal, and go to bed without ever having to think about or worry about any of the things that are happening in the running of that home to make those things available to them, they are not participating in managing the household mental load.
The mental load refers to the work that needs to be done outside of physically executing the task. For example, grocery shopping. Going to the store and getting items is the physical task, but who takes stock of the pantry? Who takes note of if the household is running low on toilet paper, laundry detergent, or other items? Who is planning the meals for the week so you know what to buy? Who makes the list for whoever will physically go to the store? Who is comparing prices or checking sales to try and save money?
Parenting wise it refers to things like: Do you know when your kid last saw a dentist/doctor? Medical appointments need to be scheduled weeks in advance usually, so someone is keeping mental track of when the last appointment was, if the next appointment has been scheduled, and when that next appointment is. Who are their teachers? What after school activities are coming up and who is taking care of signing up and paying fees? Who is tracking school events like field trips and field days? Parents usually need to remember to sign permission slips and ensure their kid brings it to school. Maybe your kid needs a specific item brought to school on a specific day. Who is tracking that and making sure your kid remembers to bring it? Are there parent teacher conferences scheduled? Which parent will attend? Your kid has a playdate at the park on Saturday. Who is coordinating drop off and pickup? Does a parent need to stay and be present during the play date? Are there any activities happening during the play date that your kid may need money for? How much are those activities going to cost? Does a lunch need to be packed or does the kid need money to buy lunch? Is the weather supposed to be nice or is there a chance of rain? That mental note is taken so you can make sure your kid doesn’t wear a T-shirt to go play at the park in 50F weather.
It’s typically women who complain because they are the ones keeping track of all this. Husband may physically go to the grocery store, but if the wife didn’t know the house was running low on toilet paper and add it to the list you may be sitting on the toilet when you finally realize you’re out. Dad may drop off the kid to school, but did he remember it’s picture day and make sure their kid has a nice shirt on and hair brushed?
Good partners, men and women, keep mental track of the details to ensure they’re properly prepared. They don’t make their partner remember it all by themselves, they equally prepare for things.
I explain it as this scenario:
Say we are invited to a friend’s child’s birthday party a couple of towns over. It’s a potluck and it’s outside at a park. I let my husband know, and he notes the date in his calendar. The day of the party, I ask him to help me get our child ready for the party. He asks me, “what should he wear? Where are his shoes? Does he need sunscreen on? Where are my green shorts? Have you seen my baseball cap? Do we have any granola bars?”
Meanwhile, behind the scenes, I purchased and wrapped a gift for the party, packed snacks for our child, packed essentials in the diaper bag, did the laundry to ensure we’d all have clean clothes for the day, made a list/shopped for/prepared the snack we were asked to bring, managed our appointments/plans for the rest of the day to make sure nothing overlapped, shopped for/prepped dinner so it wouldn’t be a big rush for dinner and bedtime once we got home, and made sure the house was tidy. All the while, fielding questions from the other parent who lives in the same house about simple tasks that are a daily part of our life.
Unfortunately, this is a real scenario that I’ve lived through. Most of these behind the scenes tasks and instances of labor fall on women, especially moms. It’s really important to choose a partner who understands this and does not want to be complicit in you being the primary parent and adult.
Do you remind your partner about upcoming events, his friends’ and family’s birthdays? Do you remind him about doctor appointments? Do you buy presents for his family members? Do you remind him to take out the trash? Do you remind him that you’re running out of milk or toothpaste?
My partner is absolute fantastic and incredibly competent and takes initiative when it comes to cleaning. That said, I take on more of the mental load. I don’t mind it most of the time. And, when I do mind, I tell him to take it off my plate and he’ll handle it. In my experience, a lot of dudes will not.
I handle all the finances, pay all the bills, I handle the mortgage and escrow accounts, and the car titles are both in my name and so is the insurance. I also handle the retirement plans (401k, HSA, Savings, Roth IRA, and our brokerage account). He runs two businesses. So he is handling an entirely different set of financials and I like to keep them as separate as possible. It doesn’t make sense for us to split the personal finances as it would be too many cooks.
I make a mental note of when we are about to run out of anything. My husband would absolutely go out and buy toilet paper or laundry detergent if we ran out. But I make a mental note of when we are running low on anything and get it before we ever run out. This is every household good and hygiene product, including things exclusively used by my partner.
When it comes to planning trips, I am the person who books everything. Because I handle the credit cards, I also handle all the travel miles and will book things at either a steep discount or for free using the points. I’ll forward the travel details to his account but he’s going to ask me a dozen times when we need to leave for the airport and with what airline. When our friends (mutual) get married, it’s just assumed I will book everything, know the dates/times, and be in charge of planning and keeping us on schedule. However, if we are camping, he will 100% take over. I love getting in the car having only packed my bag and he’s packed all the food, supplies, booked the campsite, and drives my carefree ass to the campground. Sometimes I don’t even know what city we’re travelling to. He handles the schedule and all the details and I’m oblivious. It’s a nice switch up.
I have booked every single vet appointment for our dog. I found the vet, I am the one who gets the reminder emails, I am the one who handles the medication, and I handle all the grooming appointments. However, my husband takes much more responsibility for the day-to-day care of the dog. He exercises her way more than I do and I am very appreciative of that in this 100 degree heat wave.
I have been in previous relationships where my partners expected me to pack their bags for them on trips. They’d ask annoying questions like “did we pack an extra phone charger” and I’m like “What is this ‘we’? You didn’t pack shit!”. They’d not have a clean workshirt and somehow they’d want to make it my responsibility. Booking boyfriends medical appointments and then making sure they got to their appointment is something I’m not doing any more. I had an ex whose sister was the one who got married. He was in the wedding party. Yet, I was in charge of getting his suit together, scheduling his fitting and finding the tailor, making sure he showed up to everything on time because god forbid he read an email, and was the one who bought and wrapped the gift. He didn’t even know what “we” got his sister for her wedding gift. I have had exes who I couldn’t rely on going grocery shopping on their own. I would have to “make them a list”. Meanwhile I regularly swing by the store on the way home because it’s convenient. My husband is a wonderful cook and an excellent host. When he plans a meal or an event, I can lay back and relax. He’ll do everything and I’m not on the hook for his plans. Meanwhile previous partners have invited people over and if I don’t handle it, it isn’t getting done. They’ll have zero food, performed no cleaning, and are stumped as to why it didn’t just magically happen.
I asked my husband to text the landlord about our broken dishwasher three weeks ago. He still hasn’t done it 🙃
Is it easy? Yes. But I’m refusing to do it because I do all the “easy” things and the easy things add up to hard work
My husband knows I like cooking and I’m good at it therefore I’m the default chef of the house. However, I hate everything that goes into preparing meals for the family. It’s not the physical work of chopping, cooking, and tidying, it’s the mental math to get there.
To cook dinner one must consider what’s in the cupboards, the different tastes/dietary restrictions of everyone eating, which dishes are clean, timing of prep and when dinner will be ready, what ingredients need to be prepped, preheating the hob/oven, what in the cupboard needs to be used up soon, what’s been eaten recently, plus the added complexities of ensuring balanced diets and overall healthiness. And that’s before any of the actual cooking happens. I work all day and have a toddler, I’m mentally exhausted.
Now imagine that every single night for YEARS. Kids in the picture? More people to feed, more opinions to note, plus people yapping at you and asking questions the entire time. It doesnt seem like a lot at first, until you start feeling the repetition.
Further, when my husband asks “how can I help” that adds MORE mental load because then I have to decide what I can delegate and then have to explain what needs doing and quite frankly it’s usually easier and faster to do it myself. Ask someone to chop an onion? “How many?” “Diced or sliced?” “Is this small enough?” “Are you sure we don’t need more?” “Where should I put this?” “Do you still need the cutting board?” “Where’s the knife?”… 🥲
I’ve talked to my husband and stepdaughters about this and they’re starting to get it. Yesterday I was cooking dinner and my stepdaughter came in and just started doing the dishes without having to ask or be told what to help with. It was magical ✨️ (she’s 22, it’s taken a decade to get here lmao)
My marriage is fine but I’m used to doing most of it but my sister talks about working full time and being the only one who bathes the kids, cooks, cleans, does laundry, plans kids events (birthdays/holidays/weekend fun), hauls the kids to sporting events, shops for family, etc.
A lot of weight gets dropped on women, especially moms in marriages (not all marriages) and it’s much harder if they work too. I’m a SAHM so I do not see that side but I’m sure I would too.
An example for me is: we were going to a wedding, my husband got himself ready and spent most the time in the bathroom. I got the 4 kids (ages 7 and under) and myself ready. Women do most of the behind the scene work.
I am the wife. I’m also he maid, the secretary, the cook (most of the time if we don’t order out), the primary parent etc. I also have to constantly manage my husband. If we have to be somewhere early I wake him up, pack, get the baby ready.
All the little details and lists that wouldn’t get thought about otherwise. Do we have enough or the correct laundry? What’s in the pantry? What’s for dinner? Does it meet the preferences of my husband and baby or is husband fending for himself? Does baby have enough diapers, forumla, solids, wipes, clothes etc.
Did baby get his medicated creams for his eczema. Or a bath?
Granted I AM a SAHM but I was doing a lot of this stuff when I was working and pregnant too.