Original post for anyone curious: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1mgkro9/i_27f_just_found_out_my_husband_28m_saw_his/
Okay so I just want to say first that I am appreciative of everyone for giving me solid advice, or at least the people who tried to.
It's been an interesting couple of days, but things are looking up. He's been sleeping in the spare room since the argument but we've had a couple conversations and have come to a conclusion. We have a counselling session booked in for next week, and until then we have decided to keep our distance, as in seperate bedrooms. Thank you to everyone who recommended counselling, for some reason my brain completely forgot that was an option.
I want to give him time before we go to our first appointment to really think about what he wants. He kept saying that he didn't mean what he said, but I need to be sure of that before proceeding. If, on the off chance, he truly believes what his ex said, then I need him to come to that conclusion himself, because I don't think I could take it if I knew he was staying with me because of pride and not because he loves me.
We're going on a date tomorrow night, he's taking me to the restaurant we went to on our first date, and he seemed excited when he told me so I guess that's good. I am excited to have some normalcy return to our marriage, so I hope that maybe it's a turning point.
As for his ex…
To give some context I didn't give in the last post, my husband met her at a bar, not at her apartment or a hotel room. Apparently she looked distraught, or at least like she had been in a bad situation for a while. And I do empathise, I don't want any woman to be in a relationship that is abusive, or emotionally draining. I do believe that my husband didn't cheat on me, and I know many of you might think I'm being naive about it, but I know my husband. Or at least I think I do.
I asked him why he said it if he didn't mean it, and he said he's not sure, which is concerning to me, so I hope he can figure it out in time for the counselling session and we can unpack it.
I love my husband and I know he loves me, so while my anxiety is through the roof right now, I hope we can sort this out because I can't imagine a world where he and I aren't together.
28 comments
Yeah girl. Good luck with all that. I still think you are too forgiving.
Even with this framing, I don’t know if that makes it worse?
You say that she was heartbroken and distraught from her previous relationship, and your husband thought it was appropriate to not only reveal that he went to see her before your engagement but also use that distress as an information weapon against you as a means to hurt you and your feelings.
Is he the one taking the steps to set up counseling? Is he the one doing the work to rebuild trust here?
It’s good that you’re being conscious, keep doing that and being realistic.
You are more forgiving than me, but I think counselling is a good idea. To say it means he does think about it at some level. I don’t think meeting up with the ex is necessarily terrible if it was in a public place, but she wanted him back because her life was spiraling. Your husband has a lot of work to do to rebuild your trust.
He didn’t say something he didn’t mean, or make that up on the spot. He said something he’s too smart to say to you when he’s in control of himself. He went there because it’s something that he’s thinking about often, so it came to his mind as a weapon to hurt you with.
An innocent version of this situation would’ve had you aware of it from the start. Instead, at best, she was trying to get him away from you and he was willing to sneak off to see her and consider her offer.
It’s a complete lack of respect for you. You “know he loves” you, but his behavior is where that’s actually proof to be seen… and this dude was secretly hanging out with his ex-girlfriend the night before he proposed.
Oh, also: the fact that he met with her that particular night meant that she was in contact with him about his plans! Decent chance *he* set up the meeting to try to talk her into getting back together with him.
Show yourself the respect that he won’t and get out of there.
I understand not wanting to walk out because of this. You’ve put three years into this relationship, you’re married, and your lives are entwined in so many ways. People here will judge you for fighting for this, but it’s completely understandable that you want to.
What I want you not to forget is how you felt when he said those words. I don’t want you to forget how you felt that entire night locked in that room. I don’t want you to forget the anxiety you are feeling right now. And I don’t want you to forget that your husband deliberately said one of the most hurtful things you could say to a partner when having a stupid fight about nothing. He could have said anything, and he went far below the belt. If those are the verbal punches he throws when you’re fighting about nothing of consequence, what is he going to say when you’re fighting for something of very real consequence?
I think that putting this out there with a neutral 3rd party is a good thing.
Because you’re not going to be happy or content in your relationship until this all gets talked out. And that includes arguments and what trigger them.
Good you’re going to counseling. Take it step by step and really get to the bottom of this because as I see it you have 2 issues. 1) Why meet up with his ex in the first place, even if she was distraught, why did she call him specifically? Are they still good friends? And if they are why the secrecy? He could’ve told you he was meeting her because she had problems. He secretly met up with her and tbh you don’t know what really happened cause the fact he didn’t tell you, tells you he’s capable of lying. 2) why say that to you during an argument? Is he going to say this every time you have an argument? It was meant to hurt you and make you feel he’s doubting his decision to marry you. Is he going to use this as a weapon each time you argue? OP I hope the therapy helps you and you’ll get clarity you need for your future, good luck OP. Updateme.
Hey OP
Glad you’re getting into counselling, I think it will really help. I am aware that some religious groups require engaged couples to have counselling before they get married and really think this is something everyone should do. We seem to generally rush into marriage for love and then immediately fall apart because we aren’t ready for compromise or the commitment and constant negotiation that makes a long lasting partnership.
Ultimately this should make your marriage stronger.
Obviously I don’t know you or your husband, but it sounds like he said the thing purely because he knew it would hurt you and it may have been playing on his mind. I’ve said some pretty horrible things in anger, that I always regret afterwards. The problem with words though is that once said, you can’t stop them. All you can do is hope the partnership is strong enough that you know what’s true or false.
I think you’re right in that your partner didn’t cheat, but I do think what his ex said has been playing on him. Marriage isn’t easy, you’re going to have fights…..just always remember that as long as you have the same goals and are heading in the same direction you aren’t incompatible. And hopefully your strong points offset your partner’s weak points and you acknowledge what each other brings to the relationship.
Yet another typical poster with no self-respect who is staying with a partner because they’re afraid they can’t do any better, it is so sad to see. Don’t complain years down the road when you look back on today and wish you had gotten out now. Know that you are purposely making a bad decision, that could’ve easily been avoided.
>I know my husband
Really, cause it seems like you’re forgetting he met with his ex in secret and then used that to hurt you?
Update me
27 yo ,3 years of marriage and like this. He said something that destroyed you that night,this man is untrustworthy and you know it. Best of luck sweetie but you deserve better
Well, therapy is definitely the path to take.
Personally, I would have a very hard time forgiving those words. They were intentional – meant to hurt you deeply. I don’t know if I could stay with someone who could (and did!) choose to be cruel to me.
Good luck OP. Keep your eyes open.
So he didn’t close off his damsel in distress ex girlfriend, he was hiding their meeting, he discussed your relationship with her and spilled the tea enough for her to say that he shouldn’t be rushing things (so apparently he talked bad about you, if it was all honey and happiness she would have congratulated him and wished him well in life), he married you while still keeping secrets from you, and in a small argument he’s cruel enough to try to hit you at the weakest spot he could find. In the best version.
Well, success with your marriage I guess. You will need it.
>I asked him why he said it if he didn’t mean it, and he said he’s not sure, which is concerning to me, so I hope he can figure it out in time for the counselling session and we can unpack it.
Because right at that moment: He meant it. He doesn’t need to figure anything out. This is what happens when you are in a heated emotional situation. Doubts that you have – that each and everyone of us has deep down in the dark parts of our brains – will suddenly surface and you just blurt them out because right at that moment you want to lash out. And the moemnt you did you realise that you never meant to do that but you were just seeing red.
Tbh. your husband can’t figure that out because he has that doubt deep in his mind – if he hadn’t had it before that meeting with his ex he has it since then. It doesn’t matter because we all have that doubt: Was that the right decision? Did I rush thing? Shouldn’t we have waited? What if…?
And if you are honest you would admit that you have those doubts too – at least since that argument. As long as you bth reflect on those thoughts and come to the conclussion that “No, it was the right decision” you don’t need to worry.
Let’s assume this all works out, your question about why he said it seems to be the million dollar question. And at least part of that is to work on not yelling at each other, and not letting fight like that escalate. I don’t know the whole situation that lead up to that, but let’s just assume you both had reason to be upset with each other, you two need a way to stop those situations from escalating. Once your blood pressure is raised and your heart rate escalates, it’s physiologically almost impossible to reason with your own feelings. So identifying that and taking a break to cool down, not to stew, but to examine your own feelings and your partners feelings. My wife and I are pretty passionate people, and when our emotions get crossed, we have a keyword that we use to call the timeout. Now, I assume you didn’t say anything nearly as hurtful while yelling as what he said, so he obviously has more work to do, and he should be 100x as motivated to learn how to never get there again and practice it. Life sometimes likes to take a big wet shit on us, you’re going to be upset with each other again at some point, so you both just need to be prepared to handle it better.
And this guys is how denial presents itself… 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
UpdateMe! Please
You are so in denial its insane.
Keep us updated in 6 months when all goes to shit
“I know my husband”.
No you don’t. Until a few days ago, you thought everything was hunkydory until he admitted seeing his ex, agreed with her doubts and then used that against you in an argument.
I think you’re far too forgiving but good luck, I guess.
“He doesn’t know why he said it”…. he said it to hurt you. He needs to focus on unpacking why he wants to hurt you. He needs to be the one making these appointments to repair.
I wouldn’t stay with anyone that not only kept such a secret from me, not only clearly believed it, but that would hurt me in such a way over *nothing.*
He wanted to hurt you, and he did. I wish you luck OP, I hope this was a one off.
I’m pretty sure I know EXACTLY why he said it. He was mad and he wanted to hurt your feelings, and that was the best ammunition he had to do it. When you do the counseling, if you guys decide that you do want to work through this and fix the relationship, healthy communication is gonna need to be a huge focal point. He needs to learn how to talk through a disagreement without taking shots at you.
He weaponized his being disloyal to you. Cheated then or not, he met up with her in secret. Talked about you with her. Then he used this information to hurl at you during an argument. You don’t know your husband as well as you think you do. Did you know he had it in him to do all of those things?? What else is he hiding that he’ll hit you with during your next argument?
Just remember he said that to emotionally hurt you.
Your husband is an immature a-hole. Cares very little for your feelings. It’s all about him. Sure, he can plan a date & suck up to you to avoid consequences but that’s all performative. He lies, deceives & intentionally inflicts pain onto you in order to make himself feel good. This isn’t a good man nor a good husband.
I don’t think the problem is whether he loves you or not. I think the problem is how you guys fight. Or, more precisely, how he fights.
Why did he go for the jugular? Why was he so cruel?
I may be wrong, but I suspect that is what you guys need to focus on. Not “does he really love me and want to be with me?” But “what are we going to do when we get really angry with each other? Can he learn not to reach for the cruelest thing he can do?”
No you don’t know your husband. He would rather open up and talk about your relationship to his ex than with you. You are really naive if you think nothing happened. I hate all of this.