Hey Reddit, I (23M) could really use some outside perspective on this.
I’ve been seeing a 35F for 8 months. We’re exclusive, have each other’s keys, and spend most days together. We go to all her friends’ to hangout and they know me and she takes me almost everywhere. She’s been stressed lately—work, a new puppy—and I’ve been doing my best to support her, taking care of the dogs, making sure she sleeps, etc. She’s always had sleep issues since childhood, and I’ve seen them firsthand.
Now here’s where things get complicated.
There’s a guy she hooked up with for a few months right before she met me. They stayed friends. He still comes over late at night for drinks sometimes—though she says he only comes if she invites him, that he’s more withdrawn and private. But i see her every single and sleep there kn her day off and we drive off together when she goes to work. Only days i dont see her at night would be me leaving her place an hour or so before he comes and he only came over 3-4 times in 6 months id say and last 4 months only twice and a space of 4 months in the middle.
Naturally, I’ve never been super comfortable with this. She told me he was one of the only people in her life she’s ever had a strong “spark” with (I wasn’t included in that list cuz i guess we met online). And while she rarely wears makeup around me, I did notice one night she wore makeup when he was coming over—which stung.
I recently saw a text she sent him while I was asleep in bed next to her that said:
“Daveeeeeee I got really drunk and wanted to say I miss you. Let’s go back to Aug–Jan. It was the best”
For context, I met her in November.
I confronted her the next morning. She said she hadn’t been drinking at all and didn’t even remember sending the message—claimed she might’ve done it in her sleep. From what i saw, he sent a like to her last message before this a day ago so he wont even have been a new notification or message and she would’ve had to scroll past other messages to get to him. She pointed out that she once bought a concert ticket in her sleep thinking it was a dream. She swore she doesn’t have feelings for him and has no idea why she sent it. Also she swore she didnt do anything with him since december.
We hugged and cried a lot as I packed some of my things and told her I’m not okay with her continuing to hang out with him. She said she doesn’t need to see him again if it makes me uncomfortable.
But even now, I don’t know what to make of it. I care about her deeply, and I don’t want to throw everything away if this really was some bizarre sleep-texting accident. But the timing, the content of the message, and her recent behavior are hard to ignore. I’m just stuck between wanting to believe her and not wanting to feel like a fool.
How would you process this if you were in my shoes?