So context: ive been with my bf for 1.5 years, i tolerate a lot, my bf is a poor texter but i tolerate it because i told myself thats how he is and i love him. He doesnt say i miss you back but i tolerated that because im insane. He doesnt offer me things and i tolerated that because i didnt realize until recently. Over all, i give him the benifit of the doubt more often then not.
Recently, i found out that for a few weeks, he purposely was cold and distant. I didnt clock it as on purpose because i gave him the benifit of the doubt and thought he must be going through something he will talk to me when he can, i regret not reaching out but hindsight is 2020.
After this he became even more cold and distant, going as far as ignoring me on purpose. Again, i didnt clock it immediately because i once again, assumed that maybe i have done something so i was looking inward to see what i could do, and i planned on bringing up this change of behavior to him but he beat me to it.
He told me he felt disconnected because it seems like i don't care, and he said that he did all these on purpose to see my reaction.
This shook me because I didn't realize it was all intentional, i thought he was upset and needed space but little did i know he….with held his love for about a month to see how id react, and from my reaction he deduced that i did not care.
This upset me initially because i thought it was my fault, but then i thought about it and realized that prior to his weird behavior i was under the assumption that everything was okay amd good even, and then his behavior changed and then suddenly i make him feel un cared for, and it threw me for a loop.
We planned to talk about it, he forgot, i initiated the talk the next day, it was unsatisfying because i felt like i wasnt heard, i got no apology for his blatant manipulation and breach of trust (by purposely with holding love, affection and attention to judge my reaction) and i was just told that i needed to communicate better because "how can we have a relationship without communication" (ironic that i was getting scolded for not standing up for myself when he was literally purposely being mean to me to see if i cared)
After rhe talk we see each other a day later and everything just feels…bad. We go to get food amd he almost only orders for himself but i chime in and order for myself, we then hang the rest of the night nd he is exhibiting similar love with holding behaviors, i was literally moving him around so hed be hugging me amd was still giving me nothing, it was urterly heart breaking.
I go home and im upset, now its today and ive been sitting with this upset.
He told me i didnt care, meanwhile i send him good morning + good night texts every day, he told me i didnt prioritize him, meanwhile i tell him my schedule weekly to coordinate good days for him, he said i dont have enough effort, he has never once said he missed me while i tell him every few days, he told me to ask him for stuff meanwhile he never offers me things, he never replies to my texts, he stopped being affectionate, and none if this makes sense. He said our hangouts feel unintentional but i was under the impression he enjoyed hanging out with no plans as much as i did but i was wrong. It felt like everything was something i needed to fix and even the one thinh i mentioned about how i really disliked hos testing behaviors, he didnt even apologize.
Im very upset amd i plan on talking to him again soon. Everything i mentioned about him honestly prior to this convo bothered me a bit but not enough to be hurt or even take it personally, i thought thats just how he is so i accepted it but knowing the last month of poor behavior was on purpose and i wad oblivious to it until he scolded me has made me rethink literally everything. Im paranoid now thinking i failed other tests of his that i wasn't Aware of in the past, or im failing another test right niw, i question hos motives and feelings, im just so on edge.
I would like advice on how to bring this topic up again in a way ill be heard, right now i feel small and powerless, id like to not feel this way.
This is our first conflict, im upset ny his assumption that i can mind read and understand wht he does things, im upset he told ME to communicate better when he was the passive agressive one for over a month, bruh he didnt even give up when he realized nithings changing bc i literally dont know what is happening.
How can i approach this again with him? Im beginning to hold resentment and id like to discuss witb him before it becomes too strong. I feel betrayed by his manipulative tactics and assuming i can mind read when i cannot. I have been spiraling for weeks at this point
Thank you in advanced
TL;DR: my boyfriend tested me, i failed, i didnt know i was being tested, now im stuck because im unsure how to proceed from here.