Hi everyone,
So I know this sub is littered with posts like this, and my situation probably isn't that unique. Also, the title is about drinking, which I am concerned about, but I also am looking for advice on compatibility. But I (25F) am really struggling with what decision to make. My bf (28M) and I have been together since I was 19. He is a really cool, smart and sweet guy, and we are obviously super close and comfortable with each other. I truly love him and care about his wellbeing, and I know he cares for me. He has always been the first to make big moves in the relationship (asking me to move in, saying I love you etc.) He has often expressed that he wants us to get married and have kids. But now for some context.
When we first met, it immediately became clear that he had a serious drinking problem. Now, we were both in college, and we were at a big party school with greek life etc. (however he was not in a frat) So for a while I thought it was normal, everyone's just having fun etc. I soon realized that he was blacking out multiple times a week, not eating all day and then drinking at night. It seemed as though he was actually drinking more regularly than his friends. He even got really drunk once on valentine's day, missed our date so I sat at the restaurant alone and when I got back he was passed out in his bed. The next morning he felt so bad that he cried and apologized so many times that I honestly felt really bad and let it go. Then we lived together that summer after the school year ended and he drank a lot, and often. (including blacking out etc) This went on for quite a while, we honestly were kind of on and off for different reasons, including the drinking. But we always ended up back together because honestly we're kind of codependent but also we are best friends and always wanted to be in each other's lives.
Fast forward to now. In March he got offered a good job in his hometown. (He is in engineering.) He moved back there and wanted me to come with. I told him I would go visit my family and then move to Michigan. (his home state) and we could live there together. But I've been on the fence all summer. When we are physically together, he doesn't drink. But when I go out of town, he gets drunk alone fairly often. when I come back, I find empty bottles hidden in places. He is always saying he will go to therapy or Alcoholics Anonymous, but it never seems to happen. However, because he doesn't black out anymore/drink to the same extent he used to, I can't tell how concerned I should be. I can tell you that I don't like being around him when he drinks, he gets sullen and vacant, like he's not even in his body. His drinking seems better than it has ever been – but I still have like, a nagging feeling that he still has a problem. I don't know what to do. He is so great in so many ways, and he really loves me. I also have not always been perfect, I have hurt him and he's forgiven me, I still have plenty of growing up to do and I know that.
the thing is, my parents got divorced because my dad was an alcoholic. He wasn't physically abusive but he put my mom and our family through hell. And I know a million cases where the same thing happened. I have seen alcoholism, even "low grade" alcoholism tear families apart. I'm still young and I don't know what I want to do with my life. I love him so much, but I can't tell if I should stay with him. I also feel guilty for even considering leaving, because maybe he needs my support. But I'm also worried about putting my life on hold. I will also add – we honestly do have other compatibility issues. He is pretty jealous, I am not at all. I want a big family, he doesn't. I have looked past a lot because I really do love him, and I don't want to lose him. But at 25, I feel like I need to think about my future happiness and if that means staying in this relationship. How do you know when it's "right," ? Does the drinking I've described seem concerning? Thanks to anyone who reads this long post.
editing to add: I have begged him in tears to please get the help he needs. Like a million times. We’ve spent hundreds of hours talking about it. He always says he will go to AA soon, tomorrow etc but something always comes up. He goes between agreeing with me that he has a problem and then saying he’s fine and doesn’t need help.