I've gotten some input about this in the past from friends, but I know that my friends are a bit biased against my boyfriend. (Not because he's a bad person, he just doesn't spend time with them)
But for background, my boyfriend and I started dating in 2021, and our four year anniversary is coming up this weekend. We have been very happy together, but there's been a lot of issues in the past and now. We both dealt with mental health issues but he relied heavily on me for help with his (which we ended up partially solving), we struggled with our sex lives a lot (him recieving without giving anything back), and me struggling to balance my home life and spending time with him (we're long distance).
The worst issue happened back in april of last year (2024), after having phone sex in the morning, I went to spend the day with my dad for his birthday. We went to an arcade because we're both huge nerds, but when I came back to my phone after playing laser tag I learned that my boyfriend had sexted some stranger and sent him nudes. I was heartbroken, because of course I was, but I'd already been with him for two years and loved him more than anything, so I forgave him and we did our very best to build up trust again. Later that year it happened again, and I understood because he was doing it as a form of hurting himself, not trying to hurt me. The last time it happened was back in January (but I learned about it in February), and he apologized and told me it was for the same reasons (he missed me, he wasn't getting what he needed from me, he just wanted to hurt himself). I forgave him again, cause I always forgive him, and we tried building up trust again. Ever since that I've just had a really hard time connecting to him unless I'm with him constantly over call or playing games with him. But ever since I've been struggling more with my home life with my mom I feel like I've lost my love for him, not in the sense I don't want to try but just every time I try with him I'm terrified something is going to happen again. I'm just trying to blindly trust him and be a good boyfriend, I even started making an advent calendar type thing for the days leading up to our anniversary of gifts, poems, and art, and whenever I'm making things for him when he's gone, but when I'm with him everything just feels so detached and dissociated.
Plus, recently my best friend has been hinting at that he and his boyfriend might want to take me into their polycule. I don't think I'd want to actually date them but the idea of a fresh start and not having to worry every single day if he cheated on me again is so tempting. I feel awful. I want to stay with him, I want him to love me and to love him the same way. Why can't everything go back to the way it was? I'm pretty sure he cheated again but I haven't asked and I don't have the energy to look through his accounts. Do I ask? Do I leave him? Is he abusive or are we just confused and mentally ill? Answers and input would be appreciated