My partner and I have been together for 13 years, since we were still teenagers. Now I’m 30 and he’s 32, and still, there’s been no proposal. We’ve talked about wedding ideas, but there are still no actual plans, just the idea.
I have to admit, when we were in our late 20s, we were both happy-go-lucky and just getting by. We had major fights around our 7th year, but we managed to resolve them and worked things out. We're still together now. It was only in our late 20s that we started getting stable jobs. But I’m starting to wonder why he still hasn’t proposed.
It’s been about a year now since he started earning really well, sometimes six digits a month. I know he has responsibilities to his family, and I understand that now that he’s making more, he wants to prioritize them. He’s been contributing to their house renovation, buying groceries, treating them to meals out, even buying his sibling an iPhone and paying for tuition.
But honestly, sometimes I feel jealous. I also have a job with decent pay, though not as high as his. There are times when I ask him for help, even just for food, and he gets in a bad mood or says something that feels like a passive-aggressive reminder that he’s already doing a lot.
What hurts is that we’ve been together for 13 years. In our early years, from year 1 to 6, he lived with my family, and everything was free for him—food, electricity, everything. He even brought his personal computer to our house. But now, when I’m the one who occasionally needs help, it feels like he resents it.
There was even one time we fought and he told me, “I won’t choose you over my family.” That really hurt. After 13 years of living together, it’s like we’re already married. I’ve become your family. Am I still not considered part of it?
He’s a good person. He does have some anger issues, but he’s not selfish. I know he genuinely wants to help his family now that he’s earning more, and that’s something I respect.
But still, I can’t help but wonder: Why can’t he propose yet? We’re already in our 30s.
I just wanted to share this and ask: What’s your view on my situation?
TL:DR
35 comments
He’ll never prioritize you. Even if you do have that wedding. Unless you’re ok with your current place of second in his life, break up and find someone who wants to put you first.
If he wanted to, he would.
You said it yourself, he doesn’t consider you family. He doesn’t want to marry you. He doesn’t prioritize you. You’re a convenience at best. Don’t fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy just because it’s been so long. If he won’t give you what you need in a relationship, you’re allowed to leave.
It’s been 13 years. I’m sorry to say but you’re not getting a ring. Income isn’t really an excuse anyways. Y’all have lived together this whole time. You can get a modest priced ring and it costs 70 bucks for a courthouse wedding. He either doesn’t want to or he doesn’t believe in marriage
Why can’t he propose yet?
Because he doesn’t want to marry you. He’ll never want to marry you and he’ll never see you as his family.
He doesn’t sound like a very good person, and from what you’ve written he sounds really selfish.
If marriage and chosen family isn’t that important to you…I guess carry on?
You’ve given him 13 years. I would not give him another year. Break up. It will not get better from here, and it will likely keep getting worse if you keep asking him to invest more in your relationship.
My view of your situation is sadness. What a sad thing to not be valued in such a fundamental way by your partner.
Hun I’ve seen a lot of post about this kind of thing.
Cut your losses, and be with someone that does want a future with you. Cause honestly, if he hasn’t proposed to you yet, it’ll only be “shut up” ring.
This is heartbreaking to hear but he will never propose to you. Listen to how long it’s been…and it sounds like you’ve been the one compromising. It seems that he is only benefiting from you. You give him a sense of stability and are probably emotionally available along with giving financial it sounds like. Please break up with this man while you’re still young and stop lying to yourself about how good of a person he is. It’s selfish of him to even say that. If you had a daughter/or any younger woman than you, would you want this for them? I’m really sorry this is happening but you need to leave him
Your SO is the person you do choose over your family* that’s literally what makes them unique. Find someone who is pacted with you against the world and not keeping a ledger, especially not a ledger that writes off when they were down.
*Under normal circumstances neither your family or your SO should ever force you to make this choice.
Oh come on OP. How many more years will it take for you to see that it’s never going to happen? Don’t waste anymore time on this guy.
If getting married is important to you, it will not happen with this man. You are asking too much from yourself! Dump this man and go find your husband.
Go check out r/waitingtowed to read some eye opening stories
You already know the answer, but it’s hard to come to terms with because you’ve invested so much in this relationship already. Also what is the context over the family remark, because ideally no one should have to choose between their spouse and their family at all.
13 years and no ring? Take the hint. This man will never marry you. If marriage is important to you, this is not the relationship to be in.
As a 42 year old woman ending a 16 year relationship (engaged for almost 8), I’m begging you to leave. I wish I had left in my 30s and am mad at myself for not believing him when he told me who he is (through words but mostly through actions and inaction).
With that being said, I’m not sure if I would’ve taken advice to leave in my 30s. Maybe if the right person had said it in the right way? So, I’m assuming that you won’t either. I don’t mean this is a mean way, but I really really hope it doesn’t take another 10 years for you to decide to put yourself first.
13 years…..holy hell I would’ve been gone after age 25 because why waste your time with someone that will never fully commit? He straight up told you that you will never be a priority over his family so why stay and continue to be strung along? You deserve better so don’t do that to yourself.
He’s used you and your family. Now he’s earning, and he will look for someone else. Literally the ONLY thing you can do to salvage this is to dump him before he dumps you. I’m sorry
I was with my ex from 19 to 34. Our relationship started off great. We were both in school, very much in love, then we moved in together at 23. I went on to do a PhD, while he got a good job, inherited money and bought a house. He did not put me on the deed, which I did not see as a red flag at the time. We talked about marriage, and he said he didn’t believe in it. I was secure and didn’t mind, and we talked about having kids in our mid-30s. However, things started to deteriorate over time. He stopped coming to weekly dinners with my family and was openly disparaging about my parents. If I needed his help, he was reluctant to give it and I felt like an inconvenience to him. As an example, I once stepped on an old nail in our backyard that went through my foot. I hobbled through the house dripping blood and asked him to take me to the dr for a tetanus shot and stitches. He was in bed and couldn’t be bothered getting up, so I drove myself. Stuff like that happened a lot. I sort of felt that he thought I was a freeloader while I was in grad school, even though I was working three jobs at times once my scholarship expired to contribute. He didn’t say as much, but he often made me feel pathetic. I remember crying once about a fight we had and him laughing in my face. He would often ignore me, literally not respond when I spoke to him, if I brought something up that he didn’t want to talk about he would close his eyes and sigh as if I was the most annoying person in the world. All of this escalated over time so it was hard to sort of notice at the time, and it made me feel crazy, lonely, and utterly miserable. He eventually cheated on me, and used this as an excuse to end our relationship. He married her about a year later.
From my perspective now, I was a placeholder until “the one” came along – he did believe in marriage, just not to me, and he was too much of a coward to just break up with me. Your story sounds a bit familiar. If he wanted to marry you, he would. Be careful not to waste your time, especially if you want kids. You’re only 30, you still have time. I think you need to have some real conversations about what you want in life and where this is heading.
I’m sorry, but he doesn’t want to marry you.
He probably cares about you and is comfortable with your dynamic, but he doesn’t want to be your husband. I would imagine the only circumstances you would get a ring in is if you decided to leave and he did it out of desperation even then would you want it like that? No cause you deserve better.
You live together and he won’t pay for food at times? That’s so weird and wrong.
Also that wedding is not going to happen. If it was he would have done it already. He’d consider you family already and be eager to get married to you. Don’t wait for a ring or proposal. Don’t ask for one either you might get a shut up ring.
You’ve known only him since highschool but he’s not the only person that could be your best match. You’ve grown in different ways from each other and you don’t seem to be a match anymore. That’s okay.
You don’t have to keep trying to make it work just because you’ve been together for so long. He’s not trying to make it work. He doesn’t consider you family after 13 years together. He is just familiar to you and it’s scary to think about being without him in your life.
However you’re still young and have a lot of life before you. Instead of being stagnant, move forward in life and explore what you might want to do and like and who you are without him. Your whole identity since highschool has been shaped around him and the life you thought he wanted to do together.
Go be free and learn who you are. Who knows maybe later on he’ll be ready for you and realize that you are his love and the person who he needs to be his family. I doubt it and recommend you walk past the fool if he does. But I can’t recommend enough to stop waiting for him, leave, and find out everything about you going forward.
Sounds like you’ve seeing him and your relationship as a sunk cost fallacy. Just because you spent 13 years together and the lions share of your young adult years, doesn’t mean you should give him your peak nesting years as well waiting for something that isn’t going to happen.
You shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t prioritise you over his family. If you have been together this long, and he is still not committed to you, I would leave. Nothing is ever going to change.
You’re not asking to much….he’s just not interested in giving it. So either accept things how they are, or leave.
Toot and boot it. You didn’t resolve anything. Find a real partner. Or even a friend. This is just a shitty roommate,
“He does have some anger issues, but he’s not selfish.”
Yes, he is selfish. He used your family for 5-6 years and he begrudges you when you need help?? He showers his family with gifts and cash, but not you? How much clearer do you want it?
He already told you… when it comes between you and his family, you lose.
Don’t waste any more time with him.
The situation is that you are having 2 different views of the relationship.
For you, you guys are the same as married and you are his family. (Legally is also the case).
For him, no. You are just a girlfriend and sounds like he will not upgrade your status or actually treat you as a partner.
In all honesty he has said quite clear: You are not my family, I would not choose them over you. Believe him, he is probably with you because he is used to be there, sorry to say it but I do not think that he really loves you even.
It is hard when is so many years, because you are also used to be there… but I will suggest break up and move on with your life.
So the different views are showing and
You’ve been with him since you were both so young. Of course it’s hard to imagine your life without him. But after 13 years, it’s completely valid to wonder why there’s still no proposal, no deeper commitment, especially when you’ve already built so much life together.
With kindness, please consider that sometimes we stay because we’ve already stayed so long. That’s the sunk cost fallacy. It’s feeling that you’ve invested so much (time, love, energy) so it would be a shame to walk away now…But the truth is, that time invested doesn’t automatically equal a future that is fulfilling or safe or fair.
You’ve presumably only ever loved this one person. And that can mean your sense of what’s “normal” in a relationship has been shaped entirely by this dynamic. That makes it harder to recognize when the bar is actually so low it’s resting on the floor. But now that you’re in your 30s with more life experience, self-awareness, and emotional clarity maybe you’re starting to see things differently.
You’ve supported him over the years and you welcomed him into your family and family home when he needed it. Now that he has hit his stride, it’s natural to hope he’d want to build something stable with you. But instead of building your future together, he is shaming you over food while spending huge sums on his family and making it very clear you’re on the outside.
You’re not being impatient wanting a commitment after 13 years nor even asking him to choose between you or his family. You are also not wrong to feel like you do. After 13 years he is not proposing, not prioritizing you, and not showing reciprocity. At this point, he’s not failing to commit. He already has, just not to you.
Things change. And sometimes clarity comes quietly, not with a bang but with a slow, aching realization that becomes harder to ignore over time. Holding on to history just delays the future you could be building with someone who enthusiastically wants to be your partner and build a life with you. You shouldn’t have to beg for a ring. He should want to give you one just as bad as you want to receive one. You deserve that kind of love.
Why do you want a proposal from someone who doesn’t prioritize you?
You’ve been together for 13 years and he balks if you need his help or support when he gives it freely to others?
You have bigger issues than a proposal, OP. Consider very carefully whether you want this man as a husband.
He has a sweet gig right now with you: companionship that’s not going away with no legal obligation of mutual support. Why would he marry you if he doesn’t want to intrinsically and you aren’t making it a condition of your presence in his life?
>But still, I can’t help but wonder: Why can’t he propose yet?
He doesn’t want to. If he wanted to, he would. It’s been *thirteen years*. There is no excuse at this point, other than him not wanting to.
He’s not going to marry you. Ever.
Sorry but, why are you with this guy???
“he’s a good person”
No. He isn’t.
He’s wasted 13 years of your life.
“He’s a good person”.
Oh OP. I’m begging you to read other posts here. Every toxic partner on this subreddit is being called a great person or good dad or some other absolute bs to minimize their behavior. Spoiler: they’re NOT great people.
“Anger issues”.
So he’s also abusive, gotcha. Even if it’s not physical, whatever it is that you don’t want to detail is likely emotionally abusive.
And he’s also not going to marry you.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
No, you are not asking too much. But this man won’t give it to you, so you have to make a decision. He’s not the last man on earth.
“he’s not selfish” proceeds to describe a selfish person who prioritizes their own wants and needs with complete disregard for you or what your family did for him
He lived with your family for free for five or six years, yet he not only doesn’t offer to help you with food, he says no when you ask?
It doesn’t make him not selfish just because he helps his family. Because when it comes to you, he is completely selfish.
He sees nothing extra to be gained by actually being married to you, he already has what he needs from you.
You will always be second place to him. This isn’t me being harsh, this is me sharing my 10 years of experience being even worse than second place, so no judgment here. But it is time to wake up because this does not sound like what you want. And it never will be.