Ok so hear me out. I think every functioning adult should have a nice bowl of ripe, seasonal fruit at their place at all times. I am not kidding. Do not underestimate the power of the fruit bowl when it comes to attracting a mate.

Your race, age, gender, income, sexual orientation, desire for casual vs serious, blue state or red state, desire or lack thereof for kids, etc. are all irrelevant. If someone might come to your house, get a fruit bowl.

And do not shame yourself by purchasing a crappy bag of cheap, out-of-season apples for your fruit bowl. You're better than that. Even if you can only afford a few nice pieces of the freshest, sweetest, in-season fruit, get that and put it in the bowl. Papaya. Pineapple. The insanely delectable and inexpensive nectarines that emerge at the end of summer. It doesn't matter. Just get the best fruit you can afford, and encourage everyone who comes over to enjoy it.

A fruit bowl makes you a good host. If someone is coming over for sex, treating them to a bunch of grapes is the least you can do. Friends popping by? Slice up the honeydew and serve it. Mom coming over with a casserole so you'll have something to eat during the first few days of college? Give her a honeycrisp. And don't be a dick about it. Don't guard the fruit bowl so jealously, thinking "but I paid $8 for those strawberries!" Don't be stingy. Share your fruit with everyone. I guess if you have a lot of housemates or friends you could always split the cost, but on the other hand, how many people are you inviting over on the daily?

And if nobody is coming over? Well, it's your fruit. It's delicious and good for you. Eat it! Treat yourself! A fruit bowl shows not only generosity but self respect. It also shows organization and good planning skills, because you went out and bought it, and it's still beautifully fresh, so you're taking care of business.

Further, it is an astonishing fact that when people see that you have a fruit bowl, they also assume that you are a healthy person who gets plenty of fresh air and exercise. If you are out of shape and just don't like the gym much, consider this: I too was once pretty out of shape. But when my date saw I had a fruit bowl at my place filled to the brim with those incredible navel oranges that aren't nubbly and taste just like candy, he looked at me like I'd just told him I'd completed the New York City marathon. He said, "all that fruit must be why you're so healthy." He ate three of those oranges and we dated for like three years. Coincidence? I think the fuck not.


13 comments

  4. At first I thought this was a little on the cray cray side. But thenI remembered I was dating (2 yrs ago) a guy that had a few different fruit trees on his property. I had so much fun picking fruits even though we got attacked by mosquitoes. On second thought maybe it was the guy and not the fruit lol

  5. Alright, this gives me an idea.

    I need a big ass box, a stick, a bowl of fruit, and a shit ton of pieces of candy.

  8. Flowers > Fruit.

    You have to watch they aren’t getting old/spotty.

    Nobody (well, me) eats fruit from a bowl on the table in the living room, especially if it needs peeling or washing. Or if you need to go get a plate or napkin or knife.

    I don’t want to encourage people to eat in random parts of my house.

    Memory unlocked: Had a friend over a few weeks ago. Had some cherries in the fridge and she helped herself.

    Later after she left I found a scrunched up paper towel with cherry pits in between the sofa cushions.

    I’m still in therapy.

  9. I had a fruit bowl but I binged on the fruit and had to throw the rest away to avoid tempting myself.

  10. I might give this a shot. Not a huge fruit eater but it is refreshing, especially in the summer

  11. > He ate three of those oranges and we dated for like three years. Coincidence? I think the fuck not.

    Persephone would like a word

  12. That was a delightful read. I’m with you, comrade. You have persuaded me.

  13. Nah. When I lived alone I just had whatever was in my fridge for a day or two’s worth of food and coffee.

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