I am currently dating a guy. We have been in contact for a month and he is already draining me. I really really tried-but it won’t work out. When i talk about my goals and ambitions, like working out, he belittles me. He says that i dont need to workout because i already look good. He compares me to other women who go to the gym and says i will end up looking ugly and too manly. He told me that thats not me, working out won’t look good on me. When i tell him that i want to cut my hair a little shorter, he tells me that he loves long hair and begs me to not cut mine. When i dont immediately text him good morning right after i wake up he gets pissed. I told him i just wanted a break from my phone and he immediately turns it about him, how i dont want to text him and starts guilt tripping me. I told him that thats not nice of him and he asks me if i am in a bad mood. Like he didn’t do anything wrong, i am just being irrational. So done. I am so drained. He goes out of his way to do everything for me like he wants to buy me. He doesn’t respect my boundaries and my wish for a slow start. I still have a few things from him that i would like to return so i will have to see him again. But even the thought of seeing him stresses me out.
I dont know why i am writing all this, i am just tired and wanted to vent. Maybe i am overreacting. Maybe i am too much. Maybe someone has some advice for me.
28 comments
Controlling, gaslighting and not respecting boundary is a really really bad combo. If you want to return things but don’t want to see him just ask one of your mutual friend to give them back to him.
You are not overreacting at all. This guy sounds like a man child. I promise, not all of us are like that – but I appreciate this is enough to put you off dating entirely!
Keep your hopes up, you will meet someone mature who is comfortable enough with themselves to not only allow you to live how you want, but will encourage it and let you thrive.
Hang on in there, most importantly look after yourself!
Ew he’s already being this controlling and manipulative just one month in?! You’re absolutely NOT overreacting nor being unreasonable, he’s showing a plethora of red flags. Good for you for not letting it drag on any longer. Have someone else return his items to him, or at least take someone assertive with you. Don’t give him a moment longer than it takes to hand him his things. Expect him to pull out all the manipulative tactics in his repertoire, don’t fall for any of it.
Women who are buff or toned look great. Women with short hair also look great. Be who you want to be, and never be with someone who only likes you a certain way.
“He didn’t do anything wrong”? You’re “being irrational”? You said yourself he doesn’t respect your boundaries. He doesn’t support your goals.
There are men who will respect your boundaries, and who will think it’s amazing you like to work out.
You’re not tired of dating; you’re just not dating the right guy. This guy sucks for you.
Hey youre not over reacting. This person is a dud please dont settle.
Just walk away, and congratulate yourself for being a responsible adult.
You don’t have to live like this? I was single and barely dating until I randomly agreed to meet someone on hinge. Now my current bf who Id love to marry. It just takes one good dude. Keep trying but don’t force anything
NOR. Exhausting is right! He’s one of “those” men who wants a malleable “yes” girl. He comes off as controlling and needy all at the same time. I’ve been there. Yuck! Don’t change your life for the whims of some clown who probably has 5 other women on a waiting list. The right guy won’t push or smother.
Sounds like you need to drop this guy.
Drop his shit off in a box at his door when you know he’s home.
After you’ve gotten back in your car and driven away, text him to tell him they’re outside.
Then block him and move on with your life.
Idk why are you still there. Make sure you healed after that don’t go and look for validation that’s not how healing works.
Middle school is tough. Kidding. You can’t do better.
Good news; you drop this guy and regain your energy, self love, confidence and find a guy who isn’t manipulative etc. Bc now you’ve experienced what you don’t want in a bf, it’s easier to see this earlier and be ok with saying goodbye.
He is not respecting ur decision he should be supportive he gaslighting you I think ur best choice is too run away from him he not a good person and if u know one of friends just ask them to take him stuff back and ur definitely not overreacting
You’re not overreacting at all, OP. If he’s already guilt tripping you, that’s one of the many red flags that any person shouldn’t have. I’m sorry you had to deal with a loser like him. I can relate to having the same mistreatment with being guilt tripped and especially with manipulation with a former friend who kept treating me like a taxi driver for her own needs.
You’re not overreacting at all. Controlling behavior dressed up as “caring” is still control. It’s exhausting to constantly defend your choices, especially when someone dismisses your goals and boundaries like that. You’re allowed to want space, independence, and respect—those aren’t big asks, they’re basics. Trust your gut. You’re not too much—he’s just not enough
All this after one month! After a year you would find yourself locked in a room with hair to your knees and fingernails growing out ! And he would be telling you you’re too ugly for anyone else to like you. Please take care that he doesn’t start stalking you. Men like him get obsessed and are dangerous to their exes health.
He’s very controlling and narcissistic. That’s why you feel drained and overwhelmed. A right guy won’t be like that. But usually before I get involved with a guy, I would know he would be controlling. Like the last guy? He asked me to get a certain brand of expensive running shoes and he didn’t respect what I wanted. The long hair is pretty common among men btw. But controlling men especially. It’s ok he tells you I like a woman who has long hair. But it’s not ok for him to tell you not to cut your hair or direct you to do things and if he doesn’t get his way he gaslights you. That’s not ok.
The trick is you identify red flags early on so you can save time and heart aches that you may experience by dating these controlling and emotionally abusive men. I only went on a few dates with the last guy and I talked to him daily for a few hours everyday for a week. I knew then he was a control freak and misogynistic one. The text I used to dump him included “you’re disrespectful towards women, and you always talk about money…” as he flaunted wealth which I disliked. And I dumped his ass and blocked him. You can identify red flags early to save yourself next time. But a right guy won’t be like this. I dated nice men too. They aren’t all like this.
A man that drains you is not for you.
Sounds like you’ve already made up your mind. Just drop him, take a break, and when you’re ready to start dating again to find a man that respects your boundaries….by all means do.
Here’s a rule of thumb that anyone can use: Never date someone who encourages you to NOT exercise.
Why are you with this person? Sounds exhausting just reading his childish behavior. He should be appreciating your goodness and cherishing your ambitions! He is laying the groundwork for more control, and then there will be more control, and before you know it, you won’t have any friends because he pushed them away. After that, it’s the full on press. You think I’m kidding?
He is immature, insecure, and controlling. Dump him and block him and don’t feel bad about it. You deserve better. He needs to change but that’s not your responsibility
Even the thought of him stresses you out.
Either send him a quick text and block or just block.
Use this as a learning experiment. Make a list on your phone of the negative qualities to look for with future guys/dates.
Red flags: He tries to lecture me about my exercise decisions.
He’s afraid and angry about physically strong women.
He demands immediate text responses or he melts down.
He’s so insecure that the lack of a good morning text enrages him.
End it before it all gets MUCH worse.
You’re not overreacting. He belittles your goals, doesn’t want you to go to the gym or cut your hair and gets mad if you don’t text him as soon as you wake up.
His controlling behavior will probably get worst. If you want to return items to him, I’d take a friend along for your safety.
Sounds like he’s a narcissist